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07.27.2012by: Jim Law

The Ten Spot: My Favorite Stupid Criminals in Movies

Movies have taught me endless ways to commit the perfect crimes. Any free time I have on the weekends is spent executing elaborate heists, cracking safes, and dragging giant vaults throughout the otherwise quiet streets of my small Canadian town. I haven't been arrested yet. And as much as the films teach WHAT to do, they also show me what NOT to do with a continuous onslaught of dumb-ass characters and their dumb-ass plots. While everybody else is laughing at these twats, I'm learning. And drinking. And imagining how awesome I am.

10. Jacob - A SIMPLE PLAN

I know Jacob is a little slow, and I don't mean to pick on him but dude needs to think things through a little before going ahead with a plan. He could have either made up a story and split the $4 million dollars with his brother or had his brother shoot him and carry on with the exact same plan. The only difference is he's dead. Guess which one he chose.

9. Ray & Friends - SMALL TIME CROOKS

When your bank heist skills fail you, you'd better hope your wife makes some mean cookies. These guys become millionaires because of a fake bakery they made up as a cover. I've been pretty stupid over the years. Never have I been this lucky though.

8. The Soggy Bottom Boys - O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?

The Coen Brothers thrive on stupid criminals (as we'll find out). I wonder what their inspiration is for creating such dumb assholes over the years. I like to imagine their father was a life-long fuck-up with a good heart. I'd research this but I'm sleepy. So sleepy.

7. Vinny, Sol, & Tyrone - SNATCH

Guy Ritchie is the British version of the The Coens when it comes to idiot criminals. I could have included the entire main cast of LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS and most of ROCKNROLLA. Even in this film I could have included pretty much everybody. Nothing beats the bookie robbery scene though. Tyrone pushing the door open gets me every time.

6. Earl Mott - RUTHLESS PEOPLE

"This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him." This was my favorite line of dialogue for years. The pure enormity of Mott's stupidity in this film is more entertaining than most comedies that come out nowadays. I beg you to see this film if you haven't. Or don't, the fuck do I care? So confused.

5. Wayne & J.D. - SAVING SILVERMAN

There's a special place in my heart for SAVING SILVERMAN. And even though I recently realized I hate Jason Biggs, I'll always love this film. From the moment they decide to kidnap Amanda Peet this movie could be the video version of one of those "....For Idiots" books. Does that even make sense? Being an Idiot For Idiots? You'd buy it.

4. Todd Parker - BOOGIE NIGHTS

It's not like the other dudes are remarkably smart in this scene, I just decided to center out Todd because of his stubborn stupidity. Their first half-brained idea seems to work fine. Take the money and run. Literally. Todd decides he wants more and fucks up everything, most importantly his life. However, Dirk did realize how awesome and important his cock was almost immediately after this so..... that's cool.

3. H.I. McDunnough - RAISING ARIZONA

Imagine if Nicholas Cage had a role like this right now? We'd slaughter the poor bastard. At what point does acting like a crazed lunatic become not cool? Maybe a sequel to this movie is exactly what he needs. Or maybe he needs a bowl of crack. Who can tell?

2. Harry & Marv - HOME ALONE

Their original plan was pretty smart, I guess. The fact that they get their dicks handed to them for an hour by a kid does not look good on the resume however. I need to teach my kid some of this shit at some point. If this happened to him he'd be so deep in a pile of Fruit Loops and X-Box, he wouldn't even notice we were getting robbed.

1. Jerry Lundegaard - FARGO

Once again, I could have included the entire cast here but Jerry inches out the top spot by how ridiculously bad he reacts to everything. This movie is greatly underestimated in it's awesomeness. Just writing this paragraph has moved it up at least 10 spots on my all-time list. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how I roll.
Tags: The Ten Spot

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