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07.27.2012by: Jim Law

The Ten Spot: My Favorite Stupid Criminals in Movies

Movies have taught me endless ways to commit the perfect crimes. Any free time I have on the weekends is spent executing elaborate heists, cracking safes, and dragging giant vaults throughout the otherwise quiet streets of my small Canadian town. I haven't been arrested yet. And as much as the films teach WHAT to do, they also show me what NOT to do with a continuous onslaught of dumb-ass characters and their dumb-ass plots. While everybody else is laughing at these twats, I'm learning. And drinking. And imagining how awesome I am.

10. Jacob - A SIMPLE PLAN

I know Jacob is a little slow, and I don't mean to pick on him but dude needs to think things through a little before going ahead with a plan. He could have either made up a story and split the $4 million dollars with his brother or had his brother shoot him and carry on with the exact same plan. The only difference is he's dead. Guess which one he chose.

9. Ray & Friends - SMALL TIME CROOKS

When your bank heist skills fail you, you'd better hope your wife makes some mean cookies. These guys become millionaires because of a fake bakery they made up as a cover. I've been pretty stupid over the years. Never have I been this lucky though.

8. The Soggy Bottom Boys - O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?

The Coen Brothers thrive on stupid criminals (as we'll find out). I wonder what their inspiration is for creating such dumb assholes over the years. I like to imagine their father was a life-long fuck-up with a good heart. I'd research this but I'm sleepy. So sleepy.

7. Vinny, Sol, & Tyrone - SNATCH

Guy Ritchie is the British version of the The Coens when it comes to idiot criminals. I could have included the entire main cast of LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS and most of ROCKNROLLA. Even in this film I could have included pretty much everybody. Nothing beats the bookie robbery scene though. Tyrone pushing the door open gets me every time.

6. Earl Mott - RUTHLESS PEOPLE

"This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him." This was my favorite line of dialogue for years. The pure enormity of Mott's stupidity in this film is more entertaining than most comedies that come out nowadays. I beg you to see this film if you haven't. Or don't, the fuck do I care? So confused.

5. Wayne & J.D. - SAVING SILVERMAN

There's a special place in my heart for SAVING SILVERMAN. And even though I recently realized I hate Jason Biggs, I'll always love this film. From the moment they decide to kidnap Amanda Peet this movie could be the video version of one of those "....For Idiots" books. Does that even make sense? Being an Idiot For Idiots? You'd buy it.

4. Todd Parker - BOOGIE NIGHTS

It's not like the other dudes are remarkably smart in this scene, I just decided to center out Todd because of his stubborn stupidity. Their first half-brained idea seems to work fine. Take the money and run. Literally. Todd decides he wants more and fucks up everything, most importantly his life. However, Dirk did realize how awesome and important his cock was almost immediately after this so..... that's cool.

3. H.I. McDunnough - RAISING ARIZONA

Imagine if Nicholas Cage had a role like this right now? We'd slaughter the poor bastard. At what point does acting like a crazed lunatic become not cool? Maybe a sequel to this movie is exactly what he needs. Or maybe he needs a bowl of crack. Who can tell?

2. Harry & Marv - HOME ALONE

Their original plan was pretty smart, I guess. The fact that they get their dicks handed to them for an hour by a kid does not look good on the resume however. I need to teach my kid some of this shit at some point. If this happened to him he'd be so deep in a pile of Fruit Loops and X-Box, he wouldn't even notice we were getting robbed.

1. Jerry Lundegaard - FARGO

Once again, I could have included the entire cast here but Jerry inches out the top spot by how ridiculously bad he reacts to everything. This movie is greatly underestimated in it's awesomeness. Just writing this paragraph has moved it up at least 10 spots on my all-time list. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how I roll.
Tags: The Ten Spot

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3:43AM on 07/30/2012
I would have put Eddie and his gang from Baby's Day Out
I would have put Eddie and his gang from Baby's Day Out
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3:24AM on 07/30/2012
My favourite part in the sequel was when Kevin asks "You guys give up?" then Marv defiantly shouts "NEVER!!!". The execution of that line gets me everytime.
My favourite part in the sequel was when Kevin asks "You guys give up?" then Marv defiantly shouts "NEVER!!!". The execution of that line gets me everytime.
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3:20AM on 07/30/2012
My favourite part in the sequel was when Kevin asks "You guys give up?" then Marv defiantly shouts "NEVER!!!". The execution of that line gets me everytime.
My favourite part in the sequel was when Kevin asks "You guys give up?" then Marv defiantly shouts "NEVER!!!". The execution of that line gets me everytime.
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6:45PM on 07/29/2012
Lloyd and Harry shoulda been on the list after all they did sell a blind kid a bird, Killed a guy with rat posin, Spent all the ransom money which I highly dought they would pay back which means they stole all the money.
Lloyd and Harry shoulda been on the list after all they did sell a blind kid a bird, Killed a guy with rat posin, Spent all the ransom money which I highly dought they would pay back which means they stole all the money.
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10:59AM on 07/28/2012
I think because in the mid-90s Cage decided to try his hand at straight action roles, he's gotten a lot more shit for taking on loony characters. Few actors can commit the way he can to just going all out. Now if he could just not sign onto every script that comes his way.
I think because in the mid-90s Cage decided to try his hand at straight action roles, he's gotten a lot more shit for taking on loony characters. Few actors can commit the way he can to just going all out. Now if he could just not sign onto every script that comes his way.
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10:46AM on 07/28/2012

"And then we're off to Haiti." "Tahiti!" "...I knew that."

I love this movie. Earl is easily my favorite character in it. Such a lovable dumb-ass. I still can't believe this was Bill Pullman's first movie.
I love this movie. Earl is easily my favorite character in it. Such a lovable dumb-ass. I still can't believe this was Bill Pullman's first movie.
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+0
7:44AM on 07/27/2012

Missed opportunity

Not a bad list but you forgot one of the most important ones (if not the most important)...Otto from A Fish Called Wanda. Kevin Kline was PERFECT in that movie.

"I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF A PERSON WOULD ROB HIS OWN HOUSE?!?!?!? I'm sorry, I'm sorry" hahaha!! So good.
Not a bad list but you forgot one of the most important ones (if not the most important)...Otto from A Fish Called Wanda. Kevin Kline was PERFECT in that movie.

"I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF A PERSON WOULD ROB HIS OWN HOUSE?!?!?!? I'm sorry, I'm sorry" hahaha!! So good.
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11:04AM on 07/28/2012
I was about to agree with you, but then it hit me, he wasn't a bad criminal, just an insult to stupid people, and way too personally involved.
I was about to agree with you, but then it hit me, he wasn't a bad criminal, just an insult to stupid people, and way too personally involved.
+0
7:39AM on 07/27/2012
Airheads! That was the first movie that popped into my mind when I read the title.
Airheads! That was the first movie that popped into my mind when I read the title.
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7:24AM on 07/27/2012
The best moment in this for me is when Danny DeVito answers the 'wrong number' phone call.
The best moment in this for me is when Danny DeVito answers the 'wrong number' phone call.
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2:13AM on 07/27/2012
Was hoping I'd see these guys on the list!
Was hoping I'd see these guys on the list!
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1:15AM on 07/27/2012
The first thing I thought when I saw the list's title is : "If they forgot Home Alone or Fargo, I'm gonna be pissed..." So needless to say I'm really happy to see them occupying the top two spots! :)
The first thing I thought when I saw the list's title is : "If they forgot Home Alone or Fargo, I'm gonna be pissed..." So needless to say I'm really happy to see them occupying the top two spots! :)
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+0
1:09AM on 07/27/2012
I've always thought that this scene was loosely based on the Wonderland murders.You know, the one where John Holmes was at the center of a drug deal gone bad, and just about everyone died except Holmes.
I've always thought that this scene was loosely based on the Wonderland murders.You know, the one where John Holmes was at the center of a drug deal gone bad, and just about everyone died except Holmes.
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10:48AM on 07/28/2012
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what this was inspired by.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what this was inspired by.

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