The Ten Spot: 10 Non-traditional Movie Weapons
Taking over from the immortal Jim Law, I want The Ten Spot to remain a bastion of civility and class. So, I am going to take my first list and rank the best non-traditional weapons from movie history. Seeing as TAKEN 2 opens this weekend and Liam Neeson's Bryan Mills is a master at utilizing his intellect and the materials at his disposal, this list will consist of no guns, knives, swords, or explosives. No, my friends, we are taking completely out of left field items used to beat the shit out of an opponent. Feel free to add your suggestions in the Talk Back below.
As the old saying goes: "The pen is mightier than the sword". Well, at least it is when you a government trained killer who can use a Bic to cut a bitch. Both Jason Bourne and Martin Blank are former military who are trained to kill by any means necessary. Sometimes that means shoving a pen in your attacker's neck.
Both the 1973 original and the 2004 remake arm their protagonists with a piece of wood. Therefore, bad guys better watch out! Your bullets won't do jack shit against a guy with a Home Depot charge card! You know you are in back country when your sheriff can't even afford a baseball bat. It's the wood that makes it good!
Remember the good old days when men wore hats everywhere and they didn't have sports teams or brand logos on them? Fifty years ago, we had some class and dudes wore some sweet headgear in public. Take Oddjob: his hat was not only stylish and debonair, but it could decapitate a marble statue from a hundred yards away! I would like to see you find one of those at Urban Outfitters!
The lawnmower scene from DEAD-ALIVE kicks ass for the Lord! Stewart has no choice when that blasted Sumatran Rat-monkey turns everyone in his sleepy New Zealand town into oozing zombies! Screw a hatchet or even a firearm. Good old Stewart goes right for the landscaping equipment and liquifies the undead. But wait, he also uses a blender to destroy that nasty zombie baby! Double points!
This one is for all your hipsters out there. You may think listening to your music on vinyl is the way music is meant to be heard, but did you realize that your old Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits double record is also a handy tool for destroying the undead? Shaun and Ed learn that the jagged edges of a broken LP are just sharp enough to pierce the soft flesh of a zombie. And, if that doesn't work, grab your cricket bat and a Cornetto and kick some ass!
Good old Marion knows the best way to do away with pesky Middle Eastern henchmen and Nazis is with a cast iron skillet! Who knew you could fry an egg and save mankind with the same implement. Add that to the fact that nothing screams independent woman than having her defend herself with a cooking utensil. Ah, the good old days of chauvinism.
So, when your lawnmower, cricket bat, and vinyl records just won't do the trick (or if your undead opponent is a little more evil) you can always use the power tools route. Ash knows that if you shop smart at your local S-Mart, a handy chainsaw is your best bet. Don't forget your boomstick and go battle that army of darkness!
Ah, the pencil: sharp and to the point. When you combine that with a magic trick as brilliant as that of The Joker, you have a very unexpected and dangerous weapon.
What a way to go. You think you are being a patron of the arts and you go and buy a giant white cock to display in your home and some ruffians break in and proceed to beat you with it. Can you imagine the police investigation of this crime? What was the weapon? Oh, a huge sculpture of a phallus. Poor bastard never saw it coming. Get it? Coming? Classic.
If you don't like SHOOT 'EM UP, get the f*ck out of my office. Name another movie with death by carrot? Yeah, I didn't think so. Add to that Paul Giamatti and Monica Bellucci as a lactating hooker and you have the biggest Oscar snub in history. But, man, when Clive Owen stabs that dude in the head with carrot, everyone knew there would be no better weapon to be number one on this list.