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09.07.2012by: Jim Law

The Ten Spot: 10 Movie Chicks That Would Kick My Ass

While imagining getting my ass handed to me by hundreds of ladies for this article I came to the conclusion that it should stick strictly to hand-to-hand combat. Any crazy bitch can shoot me in half (sorry, Selene) or crush me with a walking jitney (up your butt, Ripley). I want fair fights here, just straight-up fisticuffs with some badass females repeatedly busting me in the chops. Superheroes are also out. It's cheating. And for the record, I think I could beat Hit-Girl's ass. Prove me wrong.

10. Jordan O'Neill - G.I. JANE

I'm cautious to throw hands with any military folk. 90% of their tours involve training on how to kill people. The other 10% is spent actually killing people. And she shaved her head. This bitch is crazy.

9. Lori - TOTAL RECALL

Strictly based on the fact that she lasted more than 2 seconds with an Arnie character in his prime. Look how sweaty he is. I'm also a sucker for the tube-top. Any woman wants to fight me in that outfit has already won.

8. Alabama Whitman - TRUE ROMANCE

This crazy broad went toe-to-toe with Tony Soprano when he was a fat slob. She takes a hit better than Homer Simpson. Plus, there's no way I'm as mean as Tony is in this scene. The first sign of blood and i'm all "Ohhhhh... are you okay?" And then my nuts are gone.

7. Azumi - AZUMI

This teenage nightmare has to fight Warlords, what the hell am I going to do? It would be my dream to get to fight some teenage girls - just straight up fist-blast them in the face. Not this one, however.

6. Sarah Conner - TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY

I would have totally kicked her ass in the first movie. Seriously, I would have knocked her gigantic perm all over the room. Then she started working out and got ripped in order to save the world. Just watching her do those pull-ups makes me put me my head down and turn the other way. Her son is still a douche.

5. Any Pam Grier Role - ANY PAM GRIER MOVIE

The trick here is all about her boobs. She usually sets some asshole up by exposing her perfect fucking breasts and then ass-kicking him the second he thinks about his dick. I always think about my dick.

4. Yu Shu Lien - CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON

"Excuse me, Ma'am, can I walk you across the street?" Kabooyah! My ass is laid out in a heartbeat by some old Asian chick I thought needed help. Old Asian people hate me. No idea why.

3. Natasha Romanoff - THE AVENGERS

That's the look she'll give me just before my clavicle is shattered into a million pieces. Chances are I too will have her all tied up nicely in my "special" room for safe keeping. It simply won't matter, the only person she's scared of is The Hulk. I get angry, but not that angry.

2. The Bride - KILL BILL

Pretty much every woman in these movies would destroy me. I pick Beatrix because she's the last bitch standing. I can only hope when she gives me the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique that I'm standing near my Xbox. And a toilet. I'm not moving. Ever.

1. Mallory Kane - HAYWIRE

She gets major points (and the top spot) because, movie character or not, this girl would kick the ever-living crap out of me at any time, any place. This movie was basically made just because of how tough she is. No movie will ever be made for me, unless somebody wrote a script about the best mini-van driver on the planet. I'm that good.

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+0
2:59AM on 09/23/2012
Great top 10. And I will put my skills of a mini-van driver against yours any day sir.
Great top 10. And I will put my skills of a mini-van driver against yours any day sir.
Your Reply:



8:36PM on 09/08/2012

FAIL

For starters, Ripley should have made the list. Second, I would choose another Mallory as the top spot....Mallory Knox. She would kill you just for the fun of it. Just ask Jack Scagnetti, Wayne Gale, or her mom.
For starters, Ripley should have made the list. Second, I would choose another Mallory as the top spot....Mallory Knox. She would kill you just for the fun of it. Just ask Jack Scagnetti, Wayne Gale, or her mom.
Your Reply:



8:41AM on 09/11/2012
I failed!?!?!?!?!?!? This is awful news. Go fuck yourself.
I failed!?!?!?!?!?!? This is awful news. Go fuck yourself.
8:33PM on 09/08/2012
....another top 3.
....another top 3.
Your Reply:



8:31PM on 09/08/2012
Alabama should be top 3.
Alabama should be top 3.
Your Reply:



11:33AM on 09/08/2012
Love that Pam Grier is on here. I'd let her kick my ass all day.
Love that Pam Grier is on here. I'd let her kick my ass all day.
Your Reply:



12:50AM on 09/08/2012

Nope...

No Vasquez from Aliens?!?
This list is invalid!!!
No Vasquez from Aliens?!?
This list is invalid!!!
Your Reply:



2:43PM on 09/08/2012
She doesn't even fight. Why can she beat you up? Pussy.
She doesn't even fight. Why can she beat you up? Pussy.
12:45PM on 09/07/2012
"And she shaved her head. This bitch is crazy."
And toned as fuck! Think creamed myself the first time I saw that shower scene.
(0_^)

Oh and "Colonel! Suck my DICK!!!" gets me every time.
"And she shaved her head. This bitch is crazy."
And toned as fuck! Think creamed myself the first time I saw that shower scene.
(0_^)

Oh and "Colonel! Suck my DICK!!!" gets me every time.
Your Reply:



12:44PM on 09/07/2012
double post
double post
Your Reply:



11:20AM on 09/07/2012
I would have to agree. This girl was fucking people up in this movie! That opening fight scene was pretty rough. I would definitely watch a part 2.
I would have to agree. This girl was fucking people up in this movie! That opening fight scene was pretty rough. I would definitely watch a part 2.
Your Reply:



+5
11:20AM on 09/07/2012

Good pick for #1

Honorable mention should go out for Cynthia Rothrock
Honorable mention should go out for Cynthia Rothrock
Your Reply:



-1
11:18AM on 09/07/2012
I thought you said no superheroes?
I thought you said no superheroes?
Your Reply:



12:00PM on 09/07/2012
She technically doesn't have any super powers. Just a highly trained fighter, spy, sniper chick.
She technically doesn't have any super powers. Just a highly trained fighter, spy, sniper chick.
11:12AM on 09/07/2012
Yeah she could probably kick anyone's ass.
Yeah she could probably kick anyone's ass.
Your Reply:



11:10AM on 09/07/2012

double post

Pitiful.. how a vet like me get a double post?
Pitiful.. how a vet like me get a double post?
Your Reply:



11:07AM on 09/07/2012

I love this movie!

Oh hell yeah!!.. Baddest samurai chick ever! She took her opponents out quick, none of that trading sword attacks bullshit. Awesome choice and I did not expect it.
Oh hell yeah!!.. Baddest samurai chick ever! She took her opponents out quick, none of that trading sword attacks bullshit. Awesome choice and I did not expect it.
Your Reply:



11:01AM on 09/07/2012
Yes, she was indeed a tough girl. She made a good villain.
Yes, she was indeed a tough girl. She made a good villain.
Your Reply:



10:41AM on 09/07/2012
You're NOT that good of a mini-van driver
You're NOT that good of a mini-van driver
Your Reply:



9:13AM on 09/07/2012

Seriously....

This site is really devolving the discussion of movies into Maxim-Magazine like levels of stupid.
This site is really devolving the discussion of movies into Maxim-Magazine like levels of stupid.
Your Reply:



+1
8:30AM on 09/07/2012
I'd let her hand me my ass on a platter any day.

I'd regret it later though :-/
I'd let her hand me my ass on a platter any day.

I'd regret it later though :-/
Your Reply:



+3
8:24AM on 09/07/2012
LOL
LOL
Your Reply:



11:10AM on 09/07/2012
:) That was my reaction too.
:) That was my reaction too.
+6
8:24AM on 09/07/2012
Good morning Jim Law. How's the knee?
Good morning Jim Law. How's the knee?
Your Reply:



6:20AM on 09/07/2012
I know not a movie...(or maybe)... but a special mention of Buffy, would have been good!
I know not a movie...(or maybe)... but a special mention of Buffy, would have been good!
Your Reply:



8:46PM on 09/08/2012
Movie was superior to the show in my opinion.
Movie was superior to the show in my opinion.
8:05AM on 09/07/2012
Buffy was a movie before TV. She actually kicked some serious ass in that film.
Buffy was a movie before TV. She actually kicked some serious ass in that film.
4:35AM on 09/07/2012
Am I the only one that liked this movie?
Am I the only one that liked this movie?
Your Reply:



12:49PM on 09/07/2012
makes two of us asking, though I felt the ending was a little anti-climatic but still good.
makes two of us asking, though I felt the ending was a little anti-climatic but still good.
4:33AM on 09/07/2012
Vasquez - Aliens
Trudy Chacon - Avatar
Vasquez - Aliens
Trudy Chacon - Avatar
Your Reply:



+7
3:11AM on 09/07/2012

Dig the List!

The Bride is #1 hands down
spoilers!
Bullet to the head doesn't stop her, burying her alive doesn't stop her, a gang of 88 attacking her at once doesn't stop her, she knows how to make your heart explode with the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, slays 5 master assassins..
come on now?!
The Bride is #1 hands down
spoilers!
Bullet to the head doesn't stop her, burying her alive doesn't stop her, a gang of 88 attacking her at once doesn't stop her, she knows how to make your heart explode with the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, slays 5 master assassins..
come on now?!
Your Reply:



8:44PM on 09/08/2012
Joblo's got some issues with these double posts.
Joblo's got some issues with these double posts.
8:44PM on 09/08/2012
I would agree with you, except that she has been trained to do those things. Mallory Knox, is just your average (albeit psychotic) girl next door.
I would agree with you, except that she has been trained to do those things. Mallory Knox, is just your average (albeit psychotic) girl next door.
10:00AM on 09/07/2012
Second Place is nothing to shake a stick at.
Second Place is nothing to shake a stick at.
3:01AM on 09/07/2012
Ellen Ripley? She kills aliens dude.
Ellen Ripley? She kills aliens dude.
Your Reply:



12:07PM on 09/07/2012
Ripley's a badass, but not because of the way she fights. She actually doesn't fight any xenomorphs hand-to-hand except the queen (let's ignore the Ripley clone from Resurrection). She's a badass survivor, able to get out of tricky situations without actually having to shoot her way out (with some minor exceptions).
Ripley's a badass, but not because of the way she fights. She actually doesn't fight any xenomorphs hand-to-hand except the queen (let's ignore the Ripley clone from Resurrection). She's a badass survivor, able to get out of tricky situations without actually having to shoot her way out (with some minor exceptions).
8:34AM on 09/07/2012
Law opens up the article explaining he won't include Ripley because her edge is her skill with weapons (power loader).
Law opens up the article explaining he won't include Ripley because her edge is her skill with weapons (power loader).
3:14AM on 09/07/2012
yeah good call, slipped my mind, maybe it slipped his too

yeah good call, slipped my mind, maybe it slipped his too

+3
2:55AM on 09/07/2012
Azumi, very nice. Her final battle is friggin nuts.
Azumi, very nice. Her final battle is friggin nuts.
Your Reply:



2:50AM on 09/07/2012
No Samantha Caine/Charlie Baltimore from The Long Kiss Goodnight? I would rank her pretty high. She forced her daughters to skate with a broken arm for fuck sake, how hardcore can you get?
No Samantha Caine/Charlie Baltimore from The Long Kiss Goodnight? I would rank her pretty high. She forced her daughters to skate with a broken arm for fuck sake, how hardcore can you get?
Your Reply:



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