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09.07.2012by: Jim Law

The Ten Spot: 10 Movie Chicks That Would Kick My Ass

While imagining getting my ass handed to me by hundreds of ladies for this article I came to the conclusion that it should stick strictly to hand-to-hand combat. Any crazy bitch can shoot me in half (sorry, Selene) or crush me with a walking jitney (up your butt, Ripley). I want fair fights here, just straight-up fisticuffs with some badass females repeatedly busting me in the chops. Superheroes are also out. It's cheating. And for the record, I think I could beat Hit-Girl's ass. Prove me wrong.

10. Jordan O'Neill - G.I. JANE

I'm cautious to throw hands with any military folk. 90% of their tours involve training on how to kill people. The other 10% is spent actually killing people. And she shaved her head. This bitch is crazy.

9. Lori - TOTAL RECALL

Strictly based on the fact that she lasted more than 2 seconds with an Arnie character in his prime. Look how sweaty he is. I'm also a sucker for the tube-top. Any woman wants to fight me in that outfit has already won.

8. Alabama Whitman - TRUE ROMANCE

This crazy broad went toe-to-toe with Tony Soprano when he was a fat slob. She takes a hit better than Homer Simpson. Plus, there's no way I'm as mean as Tony is in this scene. The first sign of blood and i'm all "Ohhhhh... are you okay?" And then my nuts are gone.

7. Azumi - AZUMI

This teenage nightmare has to fight Warlords, what the hell am I going to do? It would be my dream to get to fight some teenage girls - just straight up fist-blast them in the face. Not this one, however.

6. Sarah Conner - TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY

I would have totally kicked her ass in the first movie. Seriously, I would have knocked her gigantic perm all over the room. Then she started working out and got ripped in order to save the world. Just watching her do those pull-ups makes me put me my head down and turn the other way. Her son is still a douche.

5. Any Pam Grier Role - ANY PAM GRIER MOVIE

The trick here is all about her boobs. She usually sets some asshole up by exposing her perfect fucking breasts and then ass-kicking him the second he thinks about his dick. I always think about my dick.

4. Yu Shu Lien - CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON

"Excuse me, Ma'am, can I walk you across the street?" Kabooyah! My ass is laid out in a heartbeat by some old Asian chick I thought needed help. Old Asian people hate me. No idea why.

3. Natasha Romanoff - THE AVENGERS

That's the look she'll give me just before my clavicle is shattered into a million pieces. Chances are I too will have her all tied up nicely in my "special" room for safe keeping. It simply won't matter, the only person she's scared of is The Hulk. I get angry, but not that angry.

2. The Bride - KILL BILL

Pretty much every woman in these movies would destroy me. I pick Beatrix because she's the last bitch standing. I can only hope when she gives me the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique that I'm standing near my Xbox. And a toilet. I'm not moving. Ever.

1. Mallory Kane - HAYWIRE

She gets major points (and the top spot) because, movie character or not, this girl would kick the ever-living crap out of me at any time, any place. This movie was basically made just because of how tough she is. No movie will ever be made for me, unless somebody wrote a script about the best mini-van driver on the planet. I'm that good.

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