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11.16.2011by: Jim Law

The Ten Spot: The 10 Biggest C*ckteases

So I'm sitting around after basketball with all my tall buddies slamming back a shitload of fine Canadian lager and smelling like the bottom of a pile of assholes. We're awesome, just ask us. Suddenly, somebody says "I wish whatshername would have showed her cans in that movie." BOOM! Ten Spot. That's how easy it is, folks. As long as I hang out with drunk idiots that love to talk shit I'll never run out of ideas for this column. That last sentence is going on my business cards. First, though, I'm going to get business cards. Thanks to Lee, Jon (kinda), Sovs, Steve, Al, and whoever was sitting to my right. It was blurry there.

10. Alex Owens - FLASHDANCE

I had to include this scene because it basically introduced me to the phrase, "cocktease" (I'm pretty sure my dad screamed it at the screen in the theater). I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that the dancing lady kept searching in her shirt for something and eventually found some sort of lacy slingshot. Why was Daddy so angry with her?

9. Veronica Vaughn - BILLY MADISON

How good would you have done in school if your teacher was this hot and gave you this kind of after-school help? This was the first time I was ever pissed at Adam Sandler for being an idiot. It happens a lot more often nowadays. And for the record, Tempting Titties Tutoring is a flawless entrepreneurial opportunity that will educate children and eventually save the planet. You read it here first.

8. Dolores Haze - LOLITA

Cocktease: The Movie. I struggled with including this film because of the age of the character and actress. Then I thought to myself, I didn't make the fucking movie. And with that, me and myself were cool. Look at her, she's just begging to be on this list. Who the fuck reads books that way? Again, just so we're clear, I did NOT make this movie.

7. Laure - FEMME FATALE

She'll tease your cock alright, and then she'll lop it off and feed it to you right after you spill all the information she so desires. Then you have to sit there with your dick in your mouth as she gets dressed and puts her secret knives away. It's all very awkward. Bitch.

6. Vanessa Kensington - AUSTIN POWERS

I went through a phase where all I wanted to do was see Elizabeth Hurley's boobs. It was weird. And then this fucking movie comes along with it's cute almost nude scene and I'm on the edge of turning into Stabby McStabberson. Then I got the internet and we were straight. I love you, internet.

5. Jewel Valentine - ONE NIGHT AT McCOOL'S

This classic cocktease move was also pulled off by Denise Richards in WILD THINGS and more recently by Cameron Diaz in BAD TEACHER. Nobody does it better than Liv though. This should be a lesson to all men - you ever see an incredibly hot chick washing her car like a stripper, there is about to be a massive storm of shit hovering over your head.

4. Helen Tasker - TRUE LIES

Sometimes the teasing of cocks can be positive. When it's an evil cock and it's for the good of the nation. And even thought the scene above was neither of those, and actually led to the exact opposite scenario, Helen had her heart in the right spot. And a great rack.

3. Allison Lang - HAVOC

Bullshit. I don't even know what else to say. Anne Hathaway is diddling herself on a couch 6 feet away from you and your invitation was lost in the mail. Wait, was that a nipple? Kill me. This is like a whole different level. Let's call it cocktorture and move on.

2. Brooke Meyers - THE BREAK-UP

In the handbook titled "100 Reasons To Not Live With Your Ex-Girlfriend" I'm pretty sure "she'll shave her box and parade her hot little ass all over the apartment" is really close to the top. I think it's somewhere between "she'll go down on some dude in the kitchen" and "she'll shit on your toothbrush".

1. Darcy Sears - VARSITY BLUES

This has never happened to me. I can only imagine how much it must suck. I fucking love whipped cream, dude. Apparently, Dawson doesn't and ends up screwing the entire male population by NOT screwing her home-made pie thus creating the ultimate teaser of cocks. Cock.
Tags: The Ten Spot

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7:12PM on 11/24/2011

Classic

Surprised the car wash scene from Cool Hand Luke didn't at least get an honorable mention.
Surprised the car wash scene from Cool Hand Luke didn't at least get an honorable mention.
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12:10AM on 11/17/2011

Good list

but I'm amazed that no one's bitched about Jessica Alba, especially that shower scene in Machete.
but I'm amazed that no one's bitched about Jessica Alba, especially that shower scene in Machete.
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3:47AM on 11/17/2011
It's fake CGI side-boob. My cock remained un-teased.
It's fake CGI side-boob. My cock remained un-teased.
6:51PM on 11/16/2011
Cameron Diaz wasn't in Horrible Bosses, the car wash scene was from Bad Teacher. JS
Cameron Diaz wasn't in Horrible Bosses, the car wash scene was from Bad Teacher. JS
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9:23PM on 11/16/2011
Good cal. I'm always mixing those movies up.
Good cal. I'm always mixing those movies up.
11:41AM on 11/16/2011
Great list. I would've thrown in Jessica Biel's character in Rules of Attraction. She's the college slut, gets gang banged by the football team, and what do we see? Nada.
Great list. I would've thrown in Jessica Biel's character in Rules of Attraction. She's the college slut, gets gang banged by the football team, and what do we see? Nada.
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9:11AM on 11/16/2011

You made this list for me didn't ya Jim? ;)

Thank you so much for including the underrated Jamie scene in TRUE LIES. That for me was the blue balls scene of the decade.
I also would have thrown in Jessica Rabbit.
Thank you so much for including the underrated Jamie scene in TRUE LIES. That for me was the blue balls scene of the decade.
I also would have thrown in Jessica Rabbit.
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