Last Updated on August 3, 2021
1. Laurie Jupiter – WATCHMEN
She can take half a dozen blue dongs at the same time. She kicks crime in the ass while wearing a costume that requires a Brazilian wax to pull off. Her mom is a Super MILF, literally. And, if you just happen to be around after said ass-kickery, she’ll strap on to you like a spider monkey and hump the hair off your chest.
2. Susan Storm – FANTASTIC FOUR
What if Reed and Sue’s powers had been switched? Would things have worked out differently for them. Think about it, one of the smartest men on the planet now has the ability to become invisible and do whatever the hell he wants (think HOLLOW MAN) and Sue, while still heroic in every sense of the word, has a vagina that can wrap around a baseball park. Fantastic.
3. Ramona Flowers – SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
I don’t know how hard I’d fight for this chick once I realized how much she got around. Don’t get me wrong, she’s hot as shit, but I’m just not the type of dude to throw hands for sloppy ninths. Except for the one chick. I’d beat her ass.
4. Tina Carlyle – THE MASK
You can actually see Tina get wet when the mask is in play in this film. I would have glued that fucker to my face. I went home with some random chick years ago and she made me wear a Tom Selleck mask while we fooled around. Every time I tried to take it off for some smooches she would elbow me in the face. It was awesome. Kinda.
5. Mary Jane Watson – SPIDER-MAN
If that scene above was never in SPIDER-MAN she’s probably not on this list. She might not have even been in the sequels. Pointy nipples make careers. Fact. Spidey should have kept lowering himself until she said stop. Is there a porn version of this film? Did that happen in it?
6. Selina Kyle – BATMAN RETURNS
She bangs Bruce Wayne by day and beats up Batman by night. And she does this after falling out a window a thousand stories in the air and being licked back to life by a few dozen alley-cats. There are some serious issues with this woman. She can’t sew worth a shit either.
7. Elektra Natchios – DAREDEVIL
Her name means “awesome nachos”, which is 95% of the reason I included her here. The other 5% is because I loved this character in the comics. You know what didn’t happen in the comics? A flirty acrobatic duel in a playground that makes me cringe even thinking about it. I do love me some fucking nachos though.
8. Roxanne Simpson – GHOST RIDER
The curves on this chick will light a fire under yo’ ass. You like that? How about this – Roxanne is so hot she makes you wear a fire retardant condom before you can get in dem guts. That was horrible. I hate this movie.
9. Katie Deauxma – KICK-ASS
“Girlfriend” takes on a bit of a different meaning here as Katie thinks bro is gay for most of the movie. I always hated this plot device. Is this what teenage girls really do? They just whip their tits out and gossip about bullshit for hours? How are there not more lesbians in the world?
10. Abby Arcane – THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING
Swamp Thing is on Aquaman-like-levels of horrible superheroes. An he’s still pulling ultimate tail. If I ever approached a woman wearing a nightie she’d probably scream so loud her face would explode. This dude has poison ivy growing out of his ass-crack and he still gets Heather Locklear to rub her junk all over him.
Honorable Mention: Vicki Vale – BATMAN
There’s something sultry going on with Vicki that’s trying to escape. If you look past the fact that she dresses like a German secretary you might catch a glimpse of her moistening those perfectly plump lips or ever so slightly arching her back. And that’s when you have to adjust your batarang. By the way, I’m strictly sticking to comic book based superhero movies for this list. I should have mentioned that in the opening paragraph but I was distracted by Lucy Pinder’s under-boob.
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