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10.05.2011by: Jim Law

The 12 Worst Movie Neighbours

I got one of those neighbours that cuts his lawn twice a week. His kid's trampoline hovers over my swimming pool like a bouncy lifeguard chair and I'm pretty sure his oldest son steals beer out of my garage. As far as I know he hasn't killed anybody but I wouldn't put it past him. What kind of man cuts his lawn that much? Psycho. Still, I've got it pretty good when you look at the assholes on this list. Come to think of it, one more beer goes missing and I might become one of the assholes on this list. See how fun that fucking bouncy castle is when it's engulfed in flames, John Deere.

Honorable Mention: Vic & Ramona - NEIGHBORS

I don't remember much of this movie but I do recall these two being bat-shit crazy. And the fact that Aykroyd and Belushi should have switched roles. I immediately hate any neighbor that sports that hair though. Makes me want to destroy something beautiful.

12. Sid - TOY STORY

He's so low because he's the only one I know I could bitch slap if things got out of control. And, uh.... if he was real. Thing is, I think I was this kid back in the day. I would burn anything I could get my hands on, toys, squirrels, spare tires, smaller children. I hate myself.

11. Abel Turner - LAKEVIEW TERRACE

God forbid I get jungle fever around this ass-hat. I rode in an elevator with Samuel L. Jackson at Comic Con one year and was legitimately scared. Don't even know why. If you're him, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

10. Frank & Cornall Crawford - MOVING

I can't help but imagine this is what it's really like living next to Randy Quaid. If you should so happen to get a room in that motel for the night. There`s no celebrity I rather run into at some random dive bar and get shit-faced with. And there`s no other celebrity I`d have a better chance with.

9. Carter Hayes - PACIFIC HEIGHTS

How's that new tenant treating you? Oh, you mean the dude that changed the locks, hasn't payed for rent yet, and likes to come over and slap my wife around after stealing my identity and taking out a restraining order on me? Great. Batman's a dick.

8. Deebo - FRIDAY

When I was a little douche I had my brand new bike destroyed by a bunch of hooligans down the street from my house. I dragged it all the way crying my eyes out. My mom promptly stormed down the block and tore every one of them a new asshole. Deebo would have knocked her the fuck out. I don't even know where Deebo lives, he sort of just lingers around the neighbourhood, claiming shit.

7. Max - THE RESIDENT

What a fucking nightmare this guy is. Not only is he walking around inside your walls and watching you poop, he's also slipping you drugs so he can come back later and slam into your crotch while you power-nap. I've went through 645 sheets of drywall since I watched this film.

6. Eddy Otis - CONSENTING ADULTS

Call me crazy but I'd never go through with the old secret wife swap trick. Everything that could go wrong, would. The key he gave me wouldn't work, I'd somehow kill their cat, I'd put it in the wrong hole, I'd get crabs, and I'd most definitely be blamed for her murder in the morning. I'm not even gonna swap books with you, so don't ask.

5. Lars Thorwald - REAR WINDOW

I might be okay with some random dude offing his wife, but then he had to go and kill a dog. That's fucked up. I also would send my girlfriend over there to beat him up. When that failed I would shut my drapes and mind my business. If I ever saw that dude looking at me while I was spying on him through binoculars I'd shit my heart out. If anybody is upset that DISTURBIA is not on this list, draw a picture of David Morse on your monitor, just above this paragraph, and read it again. Presto!

4. The Langs - ARLINGTON ROAD

If your new neighbours are terrorists you better pray they haven't been stealing your internet. The next time you try to cross the border with so much as a toothpick and you're getting fisted in the name of home security for the next five hours. You don't want to know what happens when they find the bomb that was stashed in your trunk.

3. The Klopeks - THE 'BURBS

If anybody ever moves in next to you with a neck-beard, call the police. If you find a human skull and other ridiculously creepy shit in their basement, move out and then call the police. If that skull has a neck-beard, you're already dead.

2. The Castevets - ROSEMARY'S BABY

All old people seem nice as pie until you find out they want to give your baby to the devil. I don't care if Satan did slip you a roofie and banged the hell out of (in to) you, a woman has her rights! Best custody hearing ever.

1. Jerry Dandrige - FRIGHT NIGHT

There's no worse neighbour than a vampire. They're up all night killing bitches, flying all around your windows, and staring at you through their windows with their evil red eyes. Don't forget the fact that they want to eat your mom and girlfriend and will always be more awesome than you. Until you kill them.
Tags: The Ten Spot

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