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10.19.2011by: Jim Law

The Cast of My Ultimate Nightmare

Being brought up on horror movies doesn't have very many advantages. A lot of the shit I think about doesn't translate well into the real world. Every time my wife's cell phone dies I tell her she's going to be horrifically murdered and run away from her as fast as possible. I once told my grandmother to aim for the head if my grandfather ever came back to life. During his funeral. When I fall asleep things get even worse. There are nights of never-ending terror so intense that Freddy Kruger would quietly tap-out and wish me luck as he slid out the nearest cortex. If I could bundle up all these bastards into one epic power nap, this is what it would be like.

10. Father Karras' Mom - THE EXORCIST

Never even met the woman, yet there she is, judging me for all the horrible shit I've done over the last 38 years. "Oh, Jimmy, why you poop your pants at the Cheech and the Chong movies? You killed me, Jimmy. You killed me." Leave me alone you creepy bitch. Where's my fucking pillows?

9. Chatterer - HELLRAISER

I finally get the old lady to stop busting my balls and this freak sneaks up behind me. What the fuck? Is he eating his own face? What makes things worse, I've always imagined he wore a mask and played the role of The Gimp in PULP FICTION. He wants to kill me with the butt sex.

8. The Crate - CREEPSHOW

There's this box sitting in the middle of the room just asking to be cracked open. Sooner or later my curiosity will get the better of me and I'll get dead. What was this thing's problem by the way? You'd think it would be grateful for someone letting him out of a 4x4 box. Instead he just rips their face off and eats them. Back in the box with your bullshit, bitch. I'm really tough in these dreams.

7. A Hungry Vagina - TEETH

Things start to look up as I stumble upon the random naked hottie asking me to get it in. A couple pumps in and I realize I'm balls-deep in the world's tightest sarlacc pit. As she makes her way up my torso I give Chatterer a high five for getting laid. He likes to watch.

6. Melty Dog - THE FLY II

I call out to my childhood puppy to offer me some comfort. Out comes melty dog and my psyche implodes. He slithers over to his water dish as I form my noose out of my shoelaces. Just writing about this scene makes me want to jump off a building.

5. Rape Forest - THE EVIL DEAD

I escape the house of horrors and find myself in the middle of acre upon acre of ass-raping woodland. I'm violated numerous times and left on a piles of leaves with splinters in places no man should ever have to use tweezers. The trees lead me back into the house while snickering and calling me a slut.

4. Zelda - PET SEMATARY

From the upstairs bedroom I can hear Zelda demanding her dinner. I scoop a couple handfuls of Melty dog on to a plate and ascend. Just watching her writhe around on the bed makes me want to tear my flesh off. By the time she springs out of bed and makes her way toward me I decide to kill myself when I wake up. This can not be unseen.

3. A Facehugger - ALIEN

All night long I've been hearing, what sounds like, a thousand little legs scampering all around me. I usually don't have a problem with spiders. However, a giant boney hand-spider that wants nothing more than to fuck my mouth? Problem.

2. Pennywise - IT

The child in me wants to play with his clever little balloon animals. The pussy in me wants to curl up in a ball and make the bad man go away. Let me get this straight, you'll paint my face if I let you psychologically annihilate me and then devour my body after transforming into your true hideous form? Can you paint me like Spider-Man?

1. The Pale Man - PAN'S LABYRINTH

I like to eat. You can imagine the appetite I've worked up roaming around this fucking maze of terror all night. So when I get to the buffet room I don't even think twice about sitting down and stuffing my face. As Johnny Surprise-Eyes gnaws his way up to my neck I throw down a couple more grapes, close my eyes, and wait for the alarm.
Tags: The Ten Spot

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+1
10:36PM on 10/21/2011

Wow, just... wow.

I know I say this all the time but seriously, this list tops them all. Great shit man, now if only I can find a way to fall asleep...
I know I say this all the time but seriously, this list tops them all. Great shit man, now if only I can find a way to fall asleep...
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+0
9:50AM on 10/21/2011
My ultimate nightmare...
Being the middle of the human centipede, my dog turning into the dog from The Thing, the suicidal mom from the Sixth Sense...
That is really about it, but still, horrifying thought experiment. Good article.
My ultimate nightmare...
Being the middle of the human centipede, my dog turning into the dog from The Thing, the suicidal mom from the Sixth Sense...
That is really about it, but still, horrifying thought experiment. Good article.
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+0
5:14PM on 10/20/2011
As a side note, he's got some very nice white teeth.
As a side note, he's got some very nice white teeth.
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+1
6:10PM on 10/19/2011
I might be a sucker for overused Japanese horror tropes, but that raspy chick from ju-on really got to me the first time.. nice list though, and thanks for not adding Freddy.
I might be a sucker for overused Japanese horror tropes, but that raspy chick from ju-on really got to me the first time.. nice list though, and thanks for not adding Freddy.
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6:07PM on 10/19/2011

good list

but that's not a 'melty dog'. That's Bartok after a trip inside the Telepod with Brundle Jnr
but that's not a 'melty dog'. That's Bartok after a trip inside the Telepod with Brundle Jnr
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9:34PM on 10/19/2011
Yeah, it took me a while to find a pic of the actual dog. Thanks!
Yeah, it took me a while to find a pic of the actual dog. Thanks!
+3
5:07PM on 10/19/2011

Good List

To this day I still can't watch the scene in Pet Semetary where Zelda is calling for her sister. Creeps me the fuck out.
To this day I still can't watch the scene in Pet Semetary where Zelda is calling for her sister. Creeps me the fuck out.
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+8
2:10PM on 10/19/2011

LMFAO

Haha...world's tightest sarlacc pit....holy shit!
Haha...world's tightest sarlacc pit....holy shit!
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1:19PM on 10/19/2011
CUTE!!
Another Supermodel with a successful diet !
CUTE!!
Another Supermodel with a successful diet !
Your Reply:



1:18PM on 10/19/2011
Haaa, Tim, Tim, TIM, TIIIIM... You should have been JARVIS in the AVENGERS movie (yeah, I know, this has nothing to do with this column, sorry !)!!!!
Haaa, Tim, Tim, TIM, TIIIIM... You should have been JARVIS in the AVENGERS movie (yeah, I know, this has nothing to do with this column, sorry !)!!!!
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1:15PM on 10/19/2011
This is NOT the dog, but the bad guy, at the end of the movie...
This is NOT the dog, but the bad guy, at the end of the movie...
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9:35PM on 10/19/2011
I couldn't find a pic of the dog. Finally did though. Thanks!
I couldn't find a pic of the dog. Finally did though. Thanks!
12:53PM on 10/19/2011
This is a solid list.
This is a solid list.
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12:24PM on 10/19/2011

This Bitch is the reason why I wore pull-ups till the age of 9!

I was wondering when good old, creepy-as-fuck "Z" was going to show up on a list such as this!

Next to Chucky & spiders (all of 'em, in general), this chick singlehandedly made my childhood slumber a fucking battlefield of terror! Good choice sticking her on the list, Jim.
I was wondering when good old, creepy-as-fuck "Z" was going to show up on a list such as this!

Next to Chucky & spiders (all of 'em, in general), this chick singlehandedly made my childhood slumber a fucking battlefield of terror! Good choice sticking her on the list, Jim.
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11:33AM on 10/19/2011
The concept for this 10 Spot is fantastic! Some truly epic nightmares going on here. Great job, this entertained the shit out of me.
The concept for this 10 Spot is fantastic! Some truly epic nightmares going on here. Great job, this entertained the shit out of me.
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10:12AM on 10/19/2011
haha I can't imagine how scary this must be for men
haha I can't imagine how scary this must be for men
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9:41AM on 10/19/2011

Good lord Jim Law

Your nightmares are gonna give me nightmares, next time keep the ass rape to yourself! Seriously though a worthy list, i remember being terrified of the shower drain as a kid because of Pennywise, hell im 27 and just seeing a pic still gives me the chills, its kindve of wussy i know.
Your nightmares are gonna give me nightmares, next time keep the ass rape to yourself! Seriously though a worthy list, i remember being terrified of the shower drain as a kid because of Pennywise, hell im 27 and just seeing a pic still gives me the chills, its kindve of wussy i know.
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11:22AM on 10/19/2011
@violentcop - sorry, I accidentally clicked the red instead of the green. I am a bit off right now after looking at some of these photos!
@violentcop - sorry, I accidentally clicked the red instead of the green. I am a bit off right now after looking at some of these photos!
9:36AM on 10/19/2011
Next thing you know, your hands stuck in a sewer and then the horror begins.
Next thing you know, your hands stuck in a sewer and then the horror begins.
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9:34AM on 10/19/2011
Now that this on is on the list, I'm expecting to see (original) The Thing creature in here at some point.
Now that this on is on the list, I'm expecting to see (original) The Thing creature in here at some point.
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9:33AM on 10/19/2011
I'd leave the crate alone and that's it.
I'd leave the crate alone and that's it.
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9:32AM on 10/19/2011
If I see this dude next to me, I'd probably die from screaming very loud.
If I see this dude next to me, I'd probably die from screaming very loud.
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9:22AM on 10/19/2011
'The Crate' always scared the crap out of me. Great memories from Creepshow "meteor shit!"
'The Crate' always scared the crap out of me. Great memories from Creepshow "meteor shit!"
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