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09.07.2011by: Jim Law

Top 10 Features in My Movie Dream House

Whenever I get drunk and wear a nacho hat I get overly-excited. Why can't I build everything out of nachos, I ask myself. Then it is decided, I will build a guest house out of nachos and live there on the weekends. Nobody will be allowed in unless they bring me fresh guacamole or a spicy seven layer dip. Together we will throw legendary parties where nobody leaves until the very last crumb of foundation is eaten. I argue with a picture of my family about this dream for hours. They hate nachos. Nachos hate them. Here are some other things I'll never get.

10. Extravagant Landscaping - EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

I hate cutting the lawn with a passion. I would rather re-shingle my roof once a week than push that devil machine around my yard for two hours. Movie Dream House would have a fleet of green-thumbed freaks to do my dirty work. I'd have hedges that would re-enact the boulder scene from RAIDERS, flowers so gorgeous women's panties would fly off and ring my doorbell as they walked by on the sidewalk. My grass would be so fucking green you could see it from space. And it would spell out "EAT A DICK", because I am a complete asshole.

9. A Bowling Alley - THERE WILL BE BLOOD

I don't even bowl but I'm thinking my dad might visit more often. Who the hell bowls anymore? Stop it. It's like curling, with way less skill involved. And curling is awful. Maybe I'll get a curling rink too. Just a whole wing filled with the worst sports ever that I'll never use. "Hey Jim, can I come over and use your indoor soccer field?" Shut up.

8. An Interdimensional Wardrobe - THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

It has to be the right one though. If I crack open the back of this bitch and see a shitload of snow and some sort of fucked-up goat-boy limping around I'll seal it back up and put it on Craig's List right away. I want a gateway to Woman Beach-Volleyball Land or the like. A place filled with sweaty Brazilian asses bouncing around in pairs. The animals can speak but they better not talk any shit. I will slap the piss out of a lion. And lots of nachos.

7. A Panic Room - PANIC ROOM

I would abuse the shit out of this place for sure. I'm pretty sure what qualifies as a panic attack for me isn't listed in the handbook. Friends show up unannounced with a board game - panic room. Wife wants to talk about having another baby - panic room. It might as well just become my bedroom after a while.

6. A Gigantic Hottub in My Bedroom -SCARFACE

It just makes me giggle looking at it. How ridiculous do you have to be to have this put in your bedroom? And why would you ever leave when it got there? Those first couple nights might be rough though when you get up to go piss.

5. Surveillance - SLIVER

Not so much for security reasons (we'll get there) but for the slightest chance Emmanuelle Chriqui shows up and asks to use my shower. It's less intrusive than peeping through a hole in the wall, which I would probably also do. It would also let me catch the little bastards that steal my socks and put holes in my underwear. And I can play Big Brother with all my (female) friends. This is getting weird.

4. A Robot Butler - ROCKY IV

Not only can it fondle my kids like in the picture above but it can get me beers, shave my head (back), fight off evil ninjas, and make my bed. As long as it's not sassy like that bitch from 'The Jetsons'. Why hasn't anybody made a movie of The Jetsons? Because of that stupid bitch robot-maid. Probably.

3. A Danger Room - X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

There's nothing wrong with keeping your crime-fighting abilities on high alert. However, I would fuck around with this thing so much it would turn into an amusement park more than a training facility. I'd program it with all my favorite scenes from movies and thrust my obnoxious ass into all sorts of awesome situations. There's me, shitting all over myself as the T-Rex attacks our tour car. Hey Quint, you need some help getting that shark off your nutsack? I'm going to build one of these.

2. A Batcave - BATMAN

Not so much as a secret headquarters, but somewhere to keep all my bats. My wife is petrified of bats so the thought of having a cave full of the little shits to release upon her during any given argument is an option I'd like to have. She starts talking smack. I motion to the bat hatch button securely latched on to my belt. I win. Sex.

1. Security - DESPICABLE ME

Number one priority on my list is to keep away as many people as possible from my awesome new pad. I have enough friends. Go away. So there you have it, just some of the many options I'll be writing in my offer the next time I win a trillion dollars. You can have the nacho house.
Tags: The Ten Spot

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9:55PM on 09/07/2011
Never a live action Jetsons movie, but there was a cartoon movie released in theatres in like 89 or so. I don't remember the year. And if I wasn't so fucking lazy right now I would check on imdb. Oh fuck, I think I just gave Hollywood a new idea to do a live action Jetsons movie. Fuck!
Never a live action Jetsons movie, but there was a cartoon movie released in theatres in like 89 or so. I don't remember the year. And if I wasn't so fucking lazy right now I would check on imdb. Oh fuck, I think I just gave Hollywood a new idea to do a live action Jetsons movie. Fuck!
Your Reply:



+4
9:23PM on 09/07/2011
BEST. LIST. EVER. Seriously, this is like the best top ten I can remember reading on JoBlo in a long, long time. And I agree, that would be one awesome house.
BEST. LIST. EVER. Seriously, this is like the best top ten I can remember reading on JoBlo in a long, long time. And I agree, that would be one awesome house.
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4:53PM on 09/07/2011

Well Played

Jim Law....you magnificent pimp you.
Jim Law....you magnificent pimp you.
Your Reply:



4:39PM on 09/07/2011
I would be happy with tony starks crib in malibu! or wayne manor
I would be happy with tony starks crib in malibu! or wayne manor
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4:10PM on 09/07/2011
yeah having a danger room would be like having your own laser tag arena x100
yeah having a danger room would be like having your own laser tag arena x100
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4:00PM on 09/07/2011
I would take Francis' pool from Pee Wee's Big [link]'s and all!
I would take Francis' pool from Pee Wee's Big [link]'s and all!
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3:59PM on 09/07/2011
I think we would all want a panic room, as far as the movie, I think its one of finchers most underrated films & the visuals were nice.
I think we would all want a panic room, as far as the movie, I think its one of finchers most underrated films & the visuals were nice.
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3:46PM on 09/07/2011
Wasn't the robot in Rocky IV???
Wasn't the robot in Rocky IV???
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3:04PM on 09/07/2011

I would add

a Hawaiian Punch fountain like in Mr Deeds
a Hawaiian Punch fountain like in Mr Deeds
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+1
1:38PM on 09/07/2011
In Raul Julia's voice: OF COURSE!
In Raul Julia's voice: OF COURSE!
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+0
1:38PM on 09/07/2011
But you'd also need Paulie for it to be as much of funas in the movie... hell, I would drop a robot and just buy Paulie
But you'd also need Paulie for it to be as much of funas in the movie... hell, I would drop a robot and just buy Paulie
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+1
1:36PM on 09/07/2011
Scarface AND BTTF part 2! Biff owned that tub even more
Scarface AND BTTF part 2! Biff owned that tub even more
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4:01PM on 09/07/2011
i do believe the biff in alternative 1985 was a homage to Tony Montana & Scarface.
i do believe the biff in alternative 1985 was a homage to Tony Montana & Scarface.
+3
1:35PM on 09/07/2011
or maybe to use Louis CK quote it should spell: Suck a Bag of Dicks
or maybe to use Louis CK quote it should spell: Suck a Bag of Dicks
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12:49PM on 09/07/2011
Nice place. Although the robot is from Rocky IV.
Nice place. Although the robot is from Rocky IV.
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12:20PM on 09/07/2011
I chuckled a bit on the Scarface bit.
I chuckled a bit on the Scarface bit.
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12:20PM on 09/07/2011

Even though it won't "technically" be real..

"...a gateway to Woman Beach-Volleyball Land or the like. A place filled with sweaty Brazilian asses bouncing around in pairs."

I suggest you purchase the wonderful Xbox360 game known as Dead Or Alive Xtreme Beach VB. And, *sits back "Al Bundy" style in La-Z-Boy*...Ahhhh... :)
"...a gateway to Woman Beach-Volleyball Land or the like. A place filled with sweaty Brazilian asses bouncing around in pairs."

I suggest you purchase the wonderful Xbox360 game known as Dead Or Alive Xtreme Beach VB. And, *sits back "Al Bundy" style in La-Z-Boy*...Ahhhh... :)
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12:12PM on 09/07/2011

I know it's not the *same movie* as stated above but...

"You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain....Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero!"

"...It's a league game, Smokey"

sorry, couldn't resist.
"You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain....Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero!"

"...It's a league game, Smokey"

sorry, couldn't resist.
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11:55AM on 09/07/2011

I haven't even progressed to #9-1 yet...

"...hedges that would re-enact the boulder scene from RAIDERS"
"Flowers so gorgeous women's panties would fly off and ring my doorbell as they walked by on the sidewalk."
"My grass would be so fucking green you could see it from space & it would spell out "EAT A DICK", because I am a complete asshole."

Mr. Law, Say hello to your new roomie! lol :)
"...hedges that would re-enact the boulder scene from RAIDERS"
"Flowers so gorgeous women's panties would fly off and ring my doorbell as they walked by on the sidewalk."
"My grass would be so fucking green you could see it from space & it would spell out "EAT A DICK", because I am a complete asshole."

Mr. Law, Say hello to your new roomie! lol :)
Your Reply:



+21
11:05AM on 09/07/2011
10. Extravagant Landscaping - EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

9. A Bowling Alley - THERE WILL BE BLOOD

8. An Interdimensional Wardrobe - THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

7. A Panic Room - PANIC ROOM

6. A Gigantic Hottub in My Bedroom -SCARFACE

5. Surveillance - SLIVER

4. A Robot Butler - ROCKY III

3. A Danger Room - X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

2. A Batcave - BATMAN

1. Security - DESPICABLE ME

You're welcome.
10. Extravagant Landscaping - EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

9. A Bowling Alley - THERE WILL BE BLOOD

8. An Interdimensional Wardrobe - THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

7. A Panic Room - PANIC ROOM

6. A Gigantic Hottub in My Bedroom -SCARFACE

5. Surveillance - SLIVER

4. A Robot Butler - ROCKY III

3. A Danger Room - X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

2. A Batcave - BATMAN

1. Security - DESPICABLE ME

You're welcome.
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3:47PM on 09/07/2011
Thanks!
Thanks!
12:09PM on 09/07/2011
Thank you!
Thank you!
10:20AM on 09/07/2011
Batcave = awesome underground den with secret exits
Batcave = awesome underground den with secret exits
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10:19AM on 09/07/2011
Hell Yeah! Danger Room - where you can do all the action and extreme stuffs in ultra virtual reality.
Hell Yeah! Danger Room - where you can do all the action and extreme stuffs in ultra virtual reality.
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10:18AM on 09/07/2011
Hmm, "Chopping Mall", anyone?
Hmm, "Chopping Mall", anyone?
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10:17AM on 09/07/2011
The downside of this room is that assuming you have this room in mid 90s, it must be a pain to upgrade all the monitors and cables and so on.
The downside of this room is that assuming you have this room in mid 90s, it must be a pain to upgrade all the monitors and cables and so on.
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10:16AM on 09/07/2011
Yep. Definitely a must have for any house.
Yep. Definitely a must have for any house.
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8:31AM on 09/07/2011
HELL YEAH! It does look silly as anything but c'mon it's awesome!
HELL YEAH! It does look silly as anything but c'mon it's awesome!
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8:30AM on 09/07/2011
I have always wanted this, definitely glad to see this on the list Jim Law!
I have always wanted this, definitely glad to see this on the list Jim Law!
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8:06AM on 09/07/2011
Great list, man.
Great list, man.
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