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05.04.2011by: Jim Law

Top 10 '80s Spin-Offs I would have watched

I opened up the floor of Movie Fan Central and asked my fellow schmoes for new Ten Spot ideas (I'm lazy as fuck) and got some great responses. This week's column comes courtesy of GR-44_Benny and I hope to extend it in the coming weeks with a 90s version. The only rules I gave myself were that the character had to be of the supportive category and they weren't dead. That's not too much to ask, is it?

10. Winston Zeddemore in ZED VS. THE DEAD

With the ghost infestation of New York City under control The Ghostbusters are forced to lay-off Winston just as quickly as they hired him. He moves back to Cleveland (why not!) with his four crazy brothers and finds himself on the ass-end of an industrial accident that is turning the entire city into flesh eating zombies.

9. Matt Hooper in TWICE BITTEN

After it's revealed that Hoop was secretly banging the bejesus out of Chief Brody's wife for most of the original film, he packs his shit and slips out in the middle of the night. He ends up in another beach town with a very familiar problem. This time it's personal. Yup, I just wrote that.

8. Dudley Dawson in BOOGER

Booger finally graduates from college and moves home to start a garbage disposal company. When rival garbage men set out to destroy his dream, Booger must unite his misfit employees to win the Garbage Wars. There are 607 fart jokes in this film. It is awesome.

7. Jimmy Chitwood in BOXED OUT

A heartwarming tale follows the struggles of Jimmy's rookie season in the NBA with the New York Knicks. Battling rumors of retardation and blatent racism, Jimmy finally gets his chance to shine in game seven of the finals. He hits 40 of 41 shots and scores 96 points, including a full court game winner at the buzzer (falling out of bounds). Sorry for the spoiler.

6. Clubber Lang in PAIN

Pissed that he never got his rubber match against Balboa, Lang retires from boxing and takes his skills to the underground street-fighting association of Detroit. Ironically, he faces off with a giant Russian roid-freak named Levil the Devil whom he must kill to claim the billion dollar prize. So he kills him.


Years have passed since the day (off) that ruined Ed Rooney's life. Fat, homeless, and suicidal, the former principal finally catches up with Mr. Bueller and his loathsome gang of conspirators. One by one he brutally murders Cameron, Sloane, and Jeanie before finally coming face to face with his nemesis. This time there's nobody left to save Ferris. C'mon, that's awesome shit right there.

4. Carl Spackler in IN THE HOLE

Due to a series of wacky circumstances, Carl makes his way on to the PGA tour caddying for the number one golfer in the world at The Masters. When Augusta is suddenly and viciously attacked by dancing gophers, there's only one man that can save the tournament. Cameo by the Dalai Lama.

3. Mr. Creosote in BUCKET

The long awaited origin story of the world's fattest bulimic. After witnessing his entire family die in a tragic anorexia accident, Creosote promises himself that he will never succumb to the disorder and decides to never stop eating. This was, of course, filmed in 3-D.


After all the other Goonies are slaughtered by the back-stabbing Sloth, Data takes it upon himself to exact revenge and rid the Earth of every last Fratelli. Think RAMBO meets HOME ALONE.

1. John Blutarsky in THE SENATOR

It was just a little credits blurb at the end of ANIMAL HOUSE but I've always wondered about the awesome circumstances it took to get Bluto in the Senator's seat. Now I know, it all went down at the greatest keg party the world has ever given birth to. Babies were conceived, born, and aborted. Animals were sacrificed. Orgy-food-fights, sex Olympics, cigar duels, and the evolution of the planet's most fantastic leader.



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