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07.15.2009by: Jim Law

Top 10 Awesome Ex-Cops

I originally started thinking about The 10 Greatest Movie Cops and got a little overwhelmed. It also seemed too pointless since anybody and their mother knew I would put John McClane at number one (or would it be Robocop? Whatever.). So I quit. Not unlike some of these dudes below. Whether it be for sweet revenge, some sort of injustice, or the bottom of a bottle, all our entries have hung up the badge and baton for a life more interesting. I could never be a cop. Think of how many people would make fun of the pig named Officer Law.

Honourable Mention: Larry Hedges - LITTLE CHILDREN

The guy might come off as a complete asshole for most of the film but I have a hard time believing I would be any different if a child molester moved into my neighborhood. It would take everything I had to not go out and rent one of those giant inflatable monkeys for his front lawn that read "I touch little boys and girls. Stay away!"

10. Dwight Riley - SCREAM 2

I'm only listing SCREAM 2 here because he was still a cop in SCREAM and he was annoying as fuck in SCREAM 3 (wasn't everybody?). You felt sorry for Dewey in this film - the severed nerve in his back that makes him walk like a gimp, the weird little arm syndrome, and then he gets stabbed to shit just for trying to be there for Sid. There's no way a guy like this could score a chick as hot as Gale weathers. Wait..... oh.

9. Lenny Nero - STRANGE DAYS

Why be a cop when you can deal erotic SQUID recordings? It's an issue all the boys in blue will have to come to grips with sooner or later. Write traffic tickets or slip in a mini disc of your favourite porn star getting banged so you can pretend you were the one doing the banging? You could always quit and then get SQUID recordings of someone giving out traffic tickets I guess. Everybody wins!

8. Howard Payne - SPEED

People tend to credit the surprising success of this movie to Keanu's manly man-ness and Sandra Bullock's adorableness. They're wrong. It's because of Dennis Hopper being crazy. In fact, insert Dennis Hopper being crazy into any film in history - it's rating goes up by two stars and it makes 25 million more dollars. This is fact, deal with it.

7. Hartigan - SIN CITY

Imagine sitting in prison for eight years. Now imagine the first day you get out you wander into a bar and Jessica Alba is doing some crazy-sexy cowgirl teaser dance on the stage. Now imagine she jumps off the stage and starts rubbing up on your junk and wants to play kissy kissy. I'd be right back in prison before the night was through.

6. Dean Keaton - THE USUAL SUSPECTS

First you're a cop and you screw it up because you're corrupt. Then, in the midst of going clean, you get thrown into a lineup and get talked into robbing other corrupt cops by a Baldwin brother. Then Keyser Söze's lawyer blackmails you into destroying $91 million dollars worth of cocaine. You get tricked, lied to, swindled, and just plain abused, mentally, before being shot. My advice to you? Stop doing stuff.

5. Frank Castle - THE PUNISHER

Seeing your family gunned down by the mob is enough to make any man quit his job. Unless you're in a different, more powerful mob. Then you can declare bloody murder on another family and still collect a paycheck. Anyway, Frankie traded in his badge for that grunge t-shirt and killed everybody. The end.

4. John Cutter - PASSENGER 57

How "Always bet on black!" isn't in AFI's 100 Greatest Movie Quotes is beyond me. I use this shit constantly. My wife wonders if I can finish eating all twelve hard-boiled eggs - Always bet on black! My boss asks how I can write three articles and watch four movies while still doing my job - Always bet on black! I'm white.

3. Jack Walsh - MIDNIGHT RUN

If I ever quit my job I would definitely become a bounty hunter. My only mission, day-in and day-out, would be to find the owner of the dog who keeps shitting on my lawn. I would beat this man senseless and make him eat all the poop, which I keep in a bowl in my garage for evidence. That or work at Blockbuster.

2.5. Clifford Worley - TRUE ROMANCE

That Dennis Hopper sure can play an ex-cop. He's a little less crazy this time around but, even with less screen time, he leaves us with one of the most memorable speeches in history. Eggplant or not, I would have just kept this guy around just to tell stories when I was bored.

2. Creasy - MAN ON FIRE

Maybe I should be a bodyguard instead. My only weapon would be the ass-bombs Creasy uses in this film. Somebody rubs up on the sweet little hottie I've been hired to protect - ass-bomb. Another dude takes a picture of my ladies boobs while sun tanning in her backyard - ass-bomb. Who's going to fuck with that?

1. Max Rockatansky - THE ROAD WARRIOR

There's not much to do in a post-apocalyptic world after you've killed everybody responsible for the murder of your family. Why not stroll around the wastelands until you're attacked by crazy masked marauders and somebody kills your dog with a crossbow? It's better than fighting Tina Turner (aka the original Sugar-Tits).

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