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04.08.2009by: Jim Law

Top 10 Awesome Movie Babysitters

I have no recollection of any of my babysitters when I was a little arsehole. Unless you count my brother, who forced me to stay up and watch Dracula movies with him until I cried, at which point he'd make fun of me and send me to bed and prop something in front of my door. Yup, I remember that. Anyhoo, I sure as hell never had anybody as cool as these fine folks below. It might have something to do with the fact that there were no serial killers in my neighborhood or my tendency to stare at the television instead of getting myself into trouble. Wait! I just remembered puking on one of my babysitters when she gave me an expired piece of cheese. Good times.

Honorable Mention: Charlie Hinton - DADDY DAY CARE (2003)

I find myself shit-mouthing Eddie Murphy way too much on this site so I decided to include him here. I still think he's wasting his time with these types of movies but this film has it's moments. It doesn't hurt that I'm a father of two now either. I still want the old Eddie to come up with some new Mr. T butt-sex jokes though.

10. Ted the Bellhop - FOUR ROOMS (1995)

May not officially be a babysitter but when a father gives you $500 to check on his kids every half hour, what do you call it? Especially when these two brats do nothing but cause shit the moment their parents leave the room. Drinking, watching softcore porn, discovering dead bodies under their matress. Grow up.

9. Shirley Lyner - THE BABYSITTERS (2007)

Hard to put on the list due to the fact that she never really baby-sits anyone throughout the movie. Easy to put on the list because of those abs, prostitution ring, and willingness to bang old dudes. You wish your daughter had the business sense Shirley has, minus all the sucky-fucky.

8. Brand Walsh - THE GOONIES (1985)

Their mom was just running to the grocery store for a few minutes and Brand's only job was to not let his little brother outside. An hour and a half later they're discovering lost treasure, fighting off crime families, saving their entire community, and rolling with a seven foot deformed retarded dude dressed as a pirate. To be honest though, Brand would have made this list just for working out in the living room to Cyndi Lauper videos.

7. Rachel Carruthers - HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS (1988)

She had some pretty big shoes to fill and was up to the challenge. Even after she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her with that slut she still had the presence of mind to not let little Jamie Lloyd get killed by the masked mass murderer. Kind of bit her in the ass at the end but her heart was in the right spot.

6. The Crazy Babysitter Twins - GRINDHOUSE (2007)

"Hey, after you're done with the kid can you grab a couple machine guns and help me kill mutating zombies down the block?" "Si, senor. Queremos matar monstruos y tener pechos grandes." All babysitters I hire in the future will have extensive zombie survival training. And be hot.

5. Mary Poppins - MARY POPPINS (1964)

Isn't it every kids dream to have a babysitter show up with a grab-bag full of magical shit? Cut all the singing and dancing hoo-ha and you start to realize that this bitch can fly, yo. I watched this film as a stupid child one gusty afternoon and immediately climbed to the roof with an umbrella. Everything went wrong after that. The umbrella folded itself over and stabbed me in the eye, my right ankle exploded, the lawn chair I landed on disintegrated, and my mom made me a necklace out of my teeth, right before she grounded me for eight years.

4. Buck Russell - UNCLE BUCK (1989)

I have an uncle similar to Buck. He's as useless as a mop with no water, drinks like a dehydrated tequila worm, and hangs out in some weird dark basement dwelling with pictures of dead people all over the walls. Here's where their story differs - my uncle never has those special life lessons. He doesn't grow to be a responsible man and make good with family and friends (if he had friends). If his life were a movie it would end kind of like LEAVING LAS VEGAS with a pinch of SCARFACE and AMERICAN PSYCHO.

3. Kari - THE INCREDIBLES (2004)

May not be as popular as some of the other entries here but very few had to put up with what Kari did. Baby on fire, floating baby, baby passing through walls, laser beams coming from baby's eyes. Kari handles all this shit quite well and gets mind swiped by the government for her time. At least give her a raise.

2. Laurie Strode - HALLOWEEN (1978)

There's nobody better to have over, carving pumpkins, when you want to cheat death. Laurie set the rules for all slasher survivors in the years to come. Don't have sex and encourage all your friends to dress like whores and have as much sex as possible. Two simple steps that gave her the majority of the night to herself and the stamina to kick a little ass when the Boogeyman comes calling.

1. Chris Parker - ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING (1987)

Anybody that knows me is kind of perplexed at my passing over of Laurie Strode for Ms. Parker. Thing is, babysitting should be about entertaining the kids - not constantly having to save their lives and having to send them running down the street screaming so someone can come rescue you as you hide in a closet. Chris provides a night full of fun shit to do for these kids. Sure, there are some situations that need a bit of saving, but it's PG-13 - nobody's going to die and nobody's getting laid.

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