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09.13.2006by: Jim Law

Top 10 Beach Moments

Summer is coming to an end and I haven't even come close to pulling out the thong and strutting around the sandy confines of our local beach. Before I had to start waxing my back I used to enjoy running around in knee deep waves as the crispy old ladies settled into their loungers trying to get that last bit of sun on their three foot long cleavage. I loved playing volleyball and seeing who could find the sharpest shard of broken glass in the play area. Hollywood is no stranger to watching the tide roll in either so pack up your picnic basket, spike the Gatorade with vodka, and oil up your beach balls - it's time for some fun in the sun.

10. THE KARATE KID (1984)

As a long day of training comes to a close for Danielson (Ralph Macchio), Miyagi (Pat Morita) finally gets some alone time and decides to spend it standing on a log whilst kicking imaginary evil doers. It's our first glimpse at the Crane technique and a subtle use of foreshadowing. Who would of guessed Macchio would pull this out in the end and bitch slap Johnny into liking him?

9. POINT BREAK (1991)

Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) had been waiting his whole life to surf one of these "Fifty Year Storm" thingies. When he finally gets his chance, Johnny f*cking Utah (Keanu) shows up and wants to fight. After Utah gets his ass handed to him he decides it's better for everyone if Bodhi hangs ten on a tsunami rather than arresting him. If you can't get your hands on a copy just watch THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS and replace really fast cars with surfboards.

8. BEACH PARTY (1963)

Seeing Annette Funicello bouncing around in a bikini in this film would be like seeing Britney Spears do Playboy back when she was hot. The Walt Disney Company tried to make her put some clothes on due to her innocent upbringing on The Mickey Mouse Club but Annette and American International Pictures decided it was time to release the cannons. My Dad really appreciated it.

7. DEEP IMPACT (1998)

Knowing that time on Earth is shortening by the second, Jenny (Téa Leoni) decides to make things right with her father. After a long talk and a peaceful stroll along the beach they get treated to the biggest wave in the history of the world coming down upon them in a rage of fury and global destruction. This was the wrong night to watch the sun set.

6. LORD OF THE FLIES (1963)

As the power struggle reaches it peak on the island, Ralph (James Aubrey) finds himself running for his life as Jack (Tom Chapin) and the rest of the psychotic little f*ckers hunt him down like a wild animal. Having a hard time not noticing that the island is on fire, some passing soldiers decide to pay the boys a visit and interrupt the deadliest game of tag ever played. They're saved but nobody seems too happy.

5. 10 (1979)

Without this scene 'Baywatch' might have never existed. As Bo Derek ran down the beach in slow motion her popularity and status as a sex symbol couldn't have risen any faster. The flesh coloured bathing suit didn't hurt and watching that crazy braided horse-hair bounce around was oddly stimulating. I don't remember a single thing about the rest of this movie.

4. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953)

This scene was considered so erotic back in the fifties that projectionists showing the film would cut out frames to keep as souvenirs making the film run a little shorter than normal. The beach it took place on in Oahu became a major tourist attraction for years. I wonder how many people have done the dirty in that exact spot. That's a lot of sandy cracks.

3. PLANET OF THE APES (1968)

It was Earth the whole time! They might as well of strapped George (Charlton Heston) to a tree and repeatedly donkey kicked him in the nuts. All the shit he was talking to those damn dirty apes about humans being the dominant species turns out to be a tad off after he figures out we killed each other years earlier in a massive world war. Monkeys are funny.

2. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (1998)

I looked exactly like Tom up there while watching this scene and I'm pretty sure there were people on fire in the back of the theatre. This scene wastes no time grabbing you by the nuts and shooting them off. It's hard not to be in awe as you watch limbs go flying, soldiers drown, bullets rain down from above, and explosions that seem to pop up every five feet. An unforgettable scene taken straight out of the history books.

1. JAWS (1975)

People could have walked out of the theatre after this opening scene (and I'm sure they did) and still made up their mind to never go swimming again. The world's first blockbuster starts out with, arguably, the scariest moment in the history of film without even giving a glimpse of the predator or an once of blood. I wouldn't even go near a waterbed after seeing this for the first time and all these years later, I'm just as horrified.

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