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05.18.2011by: Jim Law

Top 10 Characters Killed by a TV

So I asked my wife the other day, "Can you think of any movies where somebody gets killed by a television?" She just looked at me like I was speaking Frussian (a fine mixture of French and Russian, the two most annoying languages on the planet, by the way). And there you have the weekly routine of writing this column, riddling those closest to me with useless and trivial questions about film that should have no part in any conversation. Mom - "Hey, Jim, how's work? Me - "Good. Can you think of any movie scenes where a baby shits on somebody's face?" Enough, let's do dis.

10. Ike Koffin - MOTHER'S DAY

It only seemed logical, after emptying a nail gun in his face and feeding him industrial cleaner, that you finish this sick bastard off with a 20-inch screen to the dome. By the way, these scenes are going to be a thing of the past once movie characters start replacing their old sets with flat screens. Thanks a lot, technology.

9. Tiffany - BRIDE OF CHUCKY

There are many things I'd like to do to Jennifer Tilly in a bathtub. Killing her is pretty far down there (but still on the list for some reason). Chucky doesn't give a fuck about her hotness though, at least until he can get her squeezed into a doll so it can go down on him without feeling weird.

8. Ethel - TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE

Not physically killed by the set but devoured within it. She kind of deserved it too. If I had this ability I would throw myself into all sorts of TV shows. I'd get drunk with Hank Moody, beat up the entire cast of 'Glee', and have my way with Kelly Monaco's character on 'General Hospital'. Hopefully none of them would kill me though.

7. Stu - SCREAM

That was a big TV, yo. And not only did it smash your giant mouth shut, it also electrified the living shit out of you. It was kind of a shitty night for Stu and Billy, especially after having every single event go perfectly for him leading up to this night. Ghostface should really look into getting a gun.

6. Dirk - CLUB DREAD

One second you're getting all wet with Brittany Daniels and the next your submersed boner is being blackened by the world's biggest makeshift hot tub. This movie gets better with every viewing. Try it.

5. Max Renn - VIDEODROME

Okay, the TV doesn't actually pull the trigger but it did cause the brain tumor. And if you watch this scene real close in slow motion while standing on your head wearing old school 3D glasses, you CAN see the tumor pull the trigger. Honest.

4. The Fence - HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER

In the video section of the Urban Dictionary this is the scene that plays for "Going Ape-shit". It starts with Otis and Henry destroying their TV for no particularly sane reason and then trying to buy a new one from some small time crook whom they eventually stab repeatedly with a soldering iron and smash over the cranium with the only TV they could afford. Try using it in a sentence.

3. Noah - THE RING

This set will tell you it's innocent but there's no way Noah dies in this scene if it doesn't turn on by itself and barf Samara out on the living room floor. This TV is a filthy asshole and, quite frankly, I'm disappointed in it's lies.

2. Grocer - GROSSE POINT BLANK

POPCORN, Mutherfucker! Aykroyd's last GREAT role goes out in style here as Blank (John Cusak) pops up like some sort of television-wielding ninja and ends their friendship. It's pretty impressive too. You ever lift one of those things? What the hell is in there, a couple wires and seven sandbags?

1. Jennifer - NOES 3: DREAM WARRIORS

I always wondered how the clueless staff wrote this one off as a suicide. She's eight-feet in the air with no chairs or tables around her and has her head jammed into the front of a television. I tried this - it's impossible. Whatever, I guess, who the hell tries to keep themselves awake by watching Dick Cavett interview Zsa Zsa Gabor anyway? Bitch.

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