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02.20.2008by: Jim Law

Top 10 Characters my Wife Would Leave Me For

I've recently knocked up my wife, Jessica, for the second time, doubling her family obligation and further blurring the fact that she's married to a factory worker who writes internet articles part-time. I'm safe for now. Her love for movies is strange to say the least. Never have I met someone that can watch LEGALLY BLONDE, SWEET HOME ALABAMA. and HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS on a continuous loop while having no interest in seeing THE GODFATHER, BRAVEHEART, or JAWS. Her favourite movie of all time is THE USUAL SUSPECTS, which is pretty cool, and she has memorized every movie featuring The Brat Pack and/or John Cusack that was made in the eighties, which is both impressive and annoying. I follow all the rules when it comes to being a good husband (i.e. leave my shirt on, rub feet, fetch Coke) but sometimes it just doesn't matter. If any of these guys below walked off the screen and offered her their hand I'd be shit out of luck.

Honourable Mention: Aragorn - LORD OF THE RINGS

Look at those piercing eyes, the hint of a giant sword, battle-worn chain mail, and the flowing locks of well kept hippie. She might have fallen for the innocent looks of Legolas in her younger years but the more mature Jess found something about Viggo's portrayal that got her own personal eye of Sauron aflame.

10. Brand Walsh - THE GOONIES (1985)

It might have something to do with the sweet headband or possibly the high-tech workout regime but really, when it comes down to it, the guy is a Goonie. Who can blame a girl for falling for a Goonie (unless it's Sloth, then you've got some seriously f*cked up issues)? The younglings were fun to watch but Jess found more than one adventure for Brand to lead her on while dreaming at night. All involved forbidden treasure.

9. Frank Martin - THE TRANSPORTER (2002)

That could be my wife in the picture above. Ironically, that's how I put her to bed at night when she starts talking shit about Jason Statham. This film was her first experience with The Stath and I'm convinced she has no idea what it was about. Around here it's just known as The Movie Where the British Guy Goes Shirtless a Bunch of Times.

8. Keith Fenton - TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME (2001)

Look at this guy. Total player and yet my wife falls for his shit every time. Between him and Statham I'm beginning to think she gets turned on by gigantic foreheads. It has nothing to do with the rippling chest and pulsating abdominal muscles, just the forehead. Thank god I started balding in grade nine.

7. Jake Perry - SWEET HOME ALABAMA (2002)

Who wouldn't love a guy that rests his entire life on the chance of lighting striking down on a beach so he can collect the crazy glass thingies and sell them to the local retards for a quick buck. It doesn't matter with Jess though. Any guy that gets shit on and ends up winning the hearts of everybody around him by the end of the movie is perfect in her book. I tried explaining that these guys don't really exist once and she just bit me until she saw blood.

6. Jacques Mayol - The Big Blue (1988)

Nice head apparatus. I'd never even heard of this guy until Jess pulled him out of a hat to replace my unconditional love. Apparently he's good with the dolphins and deep sea diving. To counter I told her I'm really good at driving drunk and burp-singing. It doesn't compare.

5. Noah Calhoun - THE NOTEBOOK (2004)

Wet shirt and manly beard aside, I think it's just because the guy gets shit on for 90% of the flashback and then kicked in the nuts when his aging wife forgets him in the end. Jess wouldn't forget. Any guy that can build a mansion with his bare hands, spew poetry, and write love letters 365 days a year deserves her respect.

4. Westley - THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987)

Easily the most quoted film over the course of our 12 year relationship. The woman just waits for you to set her up by uttering something that resembles dialogue from this film and then pounces all over you with dramatic playback of the next few lines. I grew a cheesy moustache once because I thought it looked like Westley's and she made me sleep in my car.

3. Lloyd Dobler - SAY ANYTHING (1989)

Nice jacket. Why is it all women love Lloyd Dobler for his determination and dedicated love while all I want to do is slap him in the face and tell him to move on? The chick doesn't want to go out with you dude, pack up your ghetto blaster and roll out. If my wife me dumps after reading this article and I tried the old "Peter Gabriel love song" trick I'd look like the biggest loser in the world. Lloyd not only wins back his woman with it, he gets every girl to ever watch this film teary eyed and love-struck.

2. Chris Chambers - STAND BY ME (1986)

At 11 years old, watching Chris Chambers was to witness the epitome of cool. I wanted to be like him, Jess wanted to marry him. So much so that when River Phoenix tragically died in the Fall of '93, Jess cried like a baby. Her dreams shattered, she searched elsewhere for the strength and courage displayed by Chris. His loyalty and quiet confidence made her settle for nothing less than a man of high standards. She found me. I think farts are funny.

1. Jake Ryan - SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984)

How cliché. If Jake Ryan was smart (and real) he could have landed more ass than Wilt Chamberlain, Casanova, and Fonzie combined. There isn't a woman out there that doesn't wish she was Molly Ringwald at the end of this film. Shit, I'd prop myself on that table if it meant gazing into those big brown eyes free cake. You can't even mention his name around here without Jess sighing and staring upwards into a dreamland where only they exist. And that's okay, as long as she keeps coming to me to get pregnant and stuff.

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