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07.11.2005by: Jim Law

Top 10 Cheesiest Sex Scenes

What can I say about sex scenes in movies? They’re crap! They’re glamorized and exaggerated crap. Usually these scenes involve gorgeous people merging in perfect harmony, with perfect model bodies, climaxing in unison. Watching these scenes cause men to think that’s there’s not much to pleasing a woman, and us women sit there daydreaming that there are actual men out there than can get us there as quickly as they do in the movies. Unfortunately, when the opportunity for hot loving does arrive, both sexes (well, mostly the female sex) realize that they’ve been living in disillusioned fantasies. This usually subjects us women to run to the newsstands every month for the latest Cosmo looking for a hot new position that will hopefully make us get off, while making the guys look like they’re the ones who are doing it. But, occasionally there are sex scenes that are so far-fetched, so unreal, that cause both men and women to roll their eyes in the back of their heads while saying, “Oh come on!” Here are a select few of love scenes that have probably caused that reaction out of the majority of people who have seen them. Submitted by Serena Whitney.

10. TAKING LIVES: Angelina Jolie & Ethan Hawke

Before Brad Pitt came along, Ethan Hawke and Angelina Jolie were creating a buzz about their onscreen/off-screen chemistry. However, when it came down to their love scene, we as audience are subject to seeing a fully dressed Hawke painfully mounting a very naked Jolie against a dresser. Watching this scene was probably the longest two minutes of my life, due to the fact that I was watching it with JoBlo, who I had just met that day. (If I watched the unrated and extended version, I probably would have wanted to kill myself!) I’ve always been used to watching sex scenes with men revealing the bare minimum of nudity, but this is absolutely ridiculous. As a woman, I know our bodies are better to look at, but the fairer sex would also like to see more movies with men bearing it all, rather than watching a fully clothed man (who in real-life is known for his indiscretions) undress and hump a United Nations Goodwill Ambassador. I guess this is my cue to say, “I am woman, hear me roar!”

9. GIGLI: Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez

The American Film Institute recently aired the best 100 quotes on film, but if they had to make up the top 100 worst quotes, believe me when I say the line, “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble!” (Uttered by J.Lo in this film’s notoriously bad sex scene) would be charting the list. Obviously, she wasn’t boning up on her Cosmo, because every woman would know what to say to a man if they wanted oral sex, and that phrase is probably the number one thing NOT to say. Anyone who had watched the scene (let alone the entire movie) where the chauvinistic mobster “makes love” to the lesbian hitman, probably made a bundle on breakup pools in the office, because these two had absolutely no chemistry or heat onscreen. What’s even more unbelievable is Ben Affleck’s ongoing power of restoring heterosexuality into the hearts of all lesbians in movies. He’s good looking, but he’s not Boris Kodjoe good-looking. Overall, this sex scene was corny and dry, and if it wasn’t for that repulsive line, it wouldn’t have even been imbedded in my memory. “Gobble, gobble!!” Ick!!

8. 100 GIRLS: Emmanuelle Chriqui & Jonathan Tucker

I had watched this direct to DVD comedy with a friend a few years back, and we still laugh about it to this day. The sex scene between the two stars started out interesting enough. Jonathan Tucker’s character is narrating the scene is his mind saying how sex is not as glamorous as it seen in movies. For a second there, the audience is made to believe that this is going to be a realistic love scene. That thought is shattered when Chriqui’s character screams at the top of her lungs, “Sweet leaping lord of Jesus!!!!” (In my personal opinion, that revivals J.Lo’s “gobble, gobble” line.) If that isn’t cheesy enough for you, these two manage to “multi-task” and have a pillow fight in the midst of their lovemaking. Double Ick!!

7. BLOWN AWAY: Corey Haim, Corey Feldman & Nicole Eggert

If there have been any of you Corey fans out there that have ever wondered why these two are now doomed to live in Direct to DVD hell, this film is the catalyst. This soft porno disguised as a thriller shocked me to the very core when I had first watched this film. (Keep in mind, I was only ten years old thinking I was going to watch a film like LICENSE TO DRIVE not knowing it would be more on the lines of DEEP THROAT) In this film, the audience gets to watch both Coreys try (keyword: TRY) to give a psychotic sixteen year old nympho (played by Nicole Eggert) multiple orgasms against a wall, on the floor, on a bed, on a couch, in the shower, etc, etc, etc... I can’t pick out a certain sex scene, because they were all unbelievable cheesy! The score and soundtrack used in the scenes are even more hilarious, for it sounds like something you would hear on a rerun episode of “Saved by the Bell.” Also, the only sexual tension and onscreen chemistry you see are from Coreys. Watching this film now, I realized that these two tried to prove that they were not kids anymore, but the only things they managed to prove were that they were sex maniacs who definitely coked out of their gourds to make this piece of sh*t.

6. TITANIC: Leonardo Dicaprio & Kate Winslet

Certain films we remember due to one particular moment onscreen. When the shark popped out of the water in JAWS, when the aliens blew up the White House in INDEPENDENCE DAY, and when the sweaty hand hit the steamy window in the back of the car in TITANIC. Watching this scene, the viewers are supposed to think that Jack and Rose just had the most amazing and most mind-boggling love making session anyone has ever had. Of course, James Cameron couldn’t show the sex onscreen, because then he would have to show Jack’s shortcomings and the awkward positioning of Rose’s crammed feet against the roof of the car, while holding on to her ankles. I guess that would conflict with the romantic atmosphere Mr. Cameron was trying to convey.

5. 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS: Josh Hartnett and Shannyn Sossamon

This was probably one of the most unbelievable love scenes I’ve ever seen on film. In this scene, Josh Hartnett brings Sossamon’s character to orgasm by blowing a petal from a flower over her nude body. Ladies, feel free to keel over in laughter anytime now. Even the male viewers out there who watched this movie were probably rolling their eyes in disbelief. If it were that easy to bring us women to orgasm, do you really think we would need men? Damn, I wish it were that easy.

4. WILD THINGS: Denise Richards & Neve Campbell

I’m actually not going to comment on the infamous threesome sex scene which this movie is known for. My beef is with the lesbian pool scene. My motto for my sexuality may be “strictly dickly,” but I’m sure people gay or straight watching this scene found it just as silly as I did. One second we see Denise Richards trying to drown Neve Campbell in a pool, and then the next second we see her sucking her fingers and taking off her top. What the hell is that??! When I watched this scene, I was half expecting Neve’s character to sucker punch Denise while she was trying to seduce her. (Hell, that’s what I would have done!) But, when I watched the scene unfold, I sat there in disbelief. How could anyone have sex with someone in a pool when only moments before they were trying to drown you in it? Let’s just face it. This sequence is just a straight man’s wet dream.

3. CHILD'S PLAY: Chucky and Tiffany

The day I saw these two killer dolls consummate their marriage after brutally murdering a couple in bed, is the same day I realized the quality of horror films had hit an all time low. Unlike, TEAM AMERICA, which humorously depicted sex between marionettes, Chucky and Tiffany’s sex scene however seemed as if it were to be taken more “seriously.” Sure, it was funny and slightly embarrassing to watch for the general audience, but it just seemed as if the scene was written for scary die-hard Chucky fans who continuously wrote to Fangoria Magazine demanding that Chucky “do it” in the next CHILD'S PLAY film. Thankfully, the last installment skipped the doll sex scenes. (This is probably the only thing to be thankful of from that flick!)

2 .SHOWGIRLS: Elizabeth Berkely and Kyle MacLachlan

This camp cult classic is known for many things. (Worst film, worst acting, worst directing) Basically, if it falls into a category at the Razzies, this movie has “won” it. But it is also known for having one of the worst sex scenes ever shown on camera. Even if you haven’t had the “pleasure” of watching this piece of crap, you have probably heard of the infamous pool scene in which Elizabeth Berkley has crazy sex with Kyle MachLachlan. When she climaxes, we’re supposed to believe that she’s experiencing the best orgasm a man can ever give a woman, when really she just looks like she’s re-enacting the first ten minutes of JAWS. *Note to all guys reading this article: Yes, female orgasms may cause some spasming, but if the woman you’re having sex with looks like she’s suffering from epilepsy during her orgasm, she’s probably faking it or she might in fact be having a seizure and therefore should be taken to the hospital immediately!!

1. ONE NIGHT IN PARIS: Paris Hilton and Rick Solomon

When I watched this sex tape, I wondered how Paris had been given this “sexpot” title, when it was pretty clear she lacked any skills in bed. (Who answers their cell while having sex??) But, I guess it was her oral presentation near the end of the tape, that made the testosterone-charged men change their minds. This tape is hilarious to watch, because these two are so dumb that it was actually astonishing to see that they actually knew how to have sex. While watching this tape, the viewers are “treated” by an ongoing and “insightful” commentary by Solomon on Paris’ veiny boobs and sexual positions they managed to “conquer.” Why is this my number one pick? Because I can not believe a man as mentally-incapacitated as Rick Solomon, was able to get a beautiful hotel heiress (as dumb as she is) to have sex with him, let alone to film an entire sex tape!



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