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01.20.2006by: Jim Law

Top 10 Crazy Evil Bitches

Women scare me in general. Those with their curvy things, sweet smells, and lack of body hair. I do my best to try and stay out of their way until I'm needed. Reaching a bowl on top of the fridge, opening a pickle jar, move some furniture - these are small prices to pay in hope that your girl doesn't turn into one of the monsters below. So read through this list with caution and know that biting your tongue, nodding, and never having sex with more than one of them might be the smartest things you can do while trying to survive a relationship.

10. Hedra Carlson - SINGLE WHITE FEMALE (1992)

After Hedy's (Jennifer Jason Leigh) twin sister drowns she goes looking for a suitable replacement. Allie (Bridget Fonda) seems perfect to fill the void but when Hedy starts cutting her hair the same, goes down on Allie's boyfriend, throws their new dog out a window, and tries to kill her, you can't help but feel things aren't working out.

9. Ivy - POISON IVY (1992)

Who knew little Gertie would grow up to be such a psychotic slut. After Ivy (Drew Barrymore) befriends Sylvia (Sara Gilbert) she decides she's going to move into her house, have sex with her father, kill her mother, and frame poor old Syl for the murder. Worst slumber party guest ever.

8. Catherine Trammell - BASIC INSTINCT (1992)

Wow, did 1992 have some f*cked up women or what? Catherine (Sharon Stone) might have been higher on the list if anyone ended up proving it was her that killed her boyfriend the exact same way see describes in one of her novels. Instead, she's left in the eight spot for being a raving nymphomaniac, refusing to wear panties to a police investigation party, and keeping an ice pick under the bed.

7. Joan Crawford - MOMMIE DEAREST (1981)

It's a little odd that the most unbelievable lunatic on our list is the only one based on a real person. Faye Dunaway has been hailed and scorned alike for being so over the top in her portrayal of Joan Crawford - based on the best selling memoirs of Joan's adopted daughter, Christina. Life is tough for an aging actress in a young Hollywood that's already dominated by men. Throw in those damn wire hangers to push you over the edge and maybe the little brat was getting what she deserved. Maybe not, psycho.

6. Cruella DeVil - 101 DALMATIONS (1961)

I'm a dog person. Puppies make me giggle like a tiny schoolboy during a chocolate rainfall. That's why this selection is a no-brainer for me. This sadistic bitch wanted to hunt down and kill one hundred and one puppies, skin them, and make a f*cking coat out of them. I've never wanted an animated character to die a more horrible death. Bitch.

5. Pamela Voorhees - FRIDAY THE 13th (1980)

Hearing that your son drowned while his cries for help went unanswered by a couple of horny camp counsellors doing the dirty can be pretty traumatic. So she killed them. But then, now here comes the crazy part, Mrs. Voorhees (Besty Palmer) decided to kill anyone involved with Camp Crystal Lake just because they were there. Wanna have sex? Dead. Wanna take a walk by the Lake? Dead. Wanna sing campfire songs? Dead. The worst part is that her son had never really died and this whole series of movies could have been avoided if the little retard just came out of the woods once in a while.

4. Peyton Flanders - THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE (1992)

Again, with the 1992. Can there be anything worse than a strange woman putting her nipple in your baby's mouth? That's just one of the evil deeds Peyton (Rebecca De Mornay) sets up in her plan to ruin the lives of the Bartel's after they accused her late husband of molesting Claire (Annabella Sciorra) during a routine pregnancy check-up. Dr. Touchy Pants commits suicide and Peyton miscarries her own child at the funeral. Revenge consists of the nipple, brutal asthma attacks, killing Julianne Moore, and a quality chick fight at the end.

3. Yamazaki Asami - AUDITION (1999)

After winning a small version of Japanese Idol, Asami (Shiina Eihi) finds herself the main squeeze of Aoyama Shigeru (Ishibashi Ryo) who, with the help of a film producer friend, set up the fake casting call to find just such a lady. Things seem to be going fine for the new couple until Asami disappears without a trace. The final act of this film is filled with some of the most disturbing shit you've ever seen. Let's just say this: Asami comes back. Very bad things involving razor wire, rubber gloves, and very big needles happen. The End.

2. Annie Wilkes - MISERY (1990)

Of all the f*cked up people to rescue you from a car crash. When Annie (Kathy Bates) realizes Paul's (James Caan) intentions to kill off the leading lady in his series of novels, shit hits the fan and sledgehammer hits his ankles. Paul isn't allowed to leave until he rewrites the story and lets Misery live. Annie makes sure of this by keeping him drugged and crippled. In the end I guess Annie is just a major fanboy with the power to get what she wants and sadly, has absolutely no clue as to what is going on in her enormous head.

1. Alex Forrest - FATAL ATTRACTION (1987)

Alex (Glenn Close) is the worst weekend fling in the history of weekend flings. I've gotten crabs from spring break that didn't cling on this hard. She wants Dan (Michael Douglas) bad and she'll do tons of crazy shit to get him back in the sack. She bothers him at work, crank calls the house, kidnaps the daughter, pulls a knife on the wife, and murders the family rabbit. Dude, that's messed up.

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