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09.27.2013by: Alex Maidy

Top 10 Dos and Don'ts about drug dealing learned from Breaking Bad

One final episode remains for BREAKING BAD, one of the greatest television series of all time. Over the course of five seasons of impeccable writing, acting, and directing, we have learned a lot about the depths a man will go for himself and his family. We also learned a lot about the world of dealing drugs. For better or worse, we have a clear idea of what it takes to run a Meth empire. So, here are the top things that every person should know to do, or absolutely not do, if you wish to partake in the drug trade. NOTE: This list by no means condones the dealing of drugs of any kind. This list is for entertainment purposes only.

#10 - Do wear tighty whities

You don't get to be the top meth manufacturer in the Southwest Unites States, avoid the law despite being close to a DEA agent, and become one of the most feared criminals just by wearing boxer shorts. No, if you plan to start an empire, you better get some Fruit of the Looms and make sure you don't leave skidmarks.

#9 - Don't go near wheelchairs equipped with bells

From season one when we met Hector Salamanca at his nephew Tuco's home, you knew not to trust the crazy-eyed old man. Every time he rang that damn bell it amped up the tension. Fast forward to his fateful meeting with Gus Fring and well, you know the rest. The moral is that if you have a run in with a mute old man in a wheelchair ringing a bell, run away. Fast.

#8 - Do have a sturdy bathtub

When you have a body that you just need to get rid of, make sure you have the right chemicals and a sturdy bathtub. Eventually that tub will get heavy and if you live in an older home, it can get messy. You don't want to be washing guts off the walls for weeks after. You have a business to run and meth doesn't cook itself.

#7 - Don't trust fast food franchise managers

They welcome you into their establishment and cook you a meal of a decent quality. Little do you know that they want you to cook something for them in return of an even higher quality. I am sure that not every McDonald's or KFC franchise is run by a ruthless drug magnate, but after seeing who the unassuming Gus Fring truly was, I cannot trust anybody.

#6 - Do worry about purity and color of your product

Blue Sky Meth. It has a nice ring to it, right? Walter White's trademark creation carries with it the best purity of any meth on the market because we all know that meth addicts are a discerning bunch who care about what they put into their bodies. But, as each foe and competitor has told Walter White through the series, his stuff it the best and they just have to have it. No matter who he teaches (aside from Gale, R.I.P.), no one can quite emulate the master craft of Walt and Jesse.

#5 - Don't employ Nazis

This should be a no-brainer, but sometimes when you need people in prison killed, you just have to call on the Neo-Nazi uncle of the young kid you recently employed. I mean, screw background checks, this guy is Todd's uncle and he has a scary ass swastika neck tattoo. That means he is a badass not to be trifled with. Forget what that symbol stands for, this is the type of guy who is really involved in the meth business, not mild-mannered suburban dads.

#4 - Do watch out for Pontiac Azteks

You have seen them on the road and laughed, wondering what kind of a moron would actually buy one of them. Walter White is that moron and he will run down any thugs threatening his friends, accomplices, or business interests. Yeah, that Aztek isn't so lame with your brain matter clinging to the crumpled bumper. No worries, you can always take it to the A-1 Car Wash.

#3 - Don't take a trip to Belize

Never has the prospect of a vacation to South America sounded more ominous than when uttered by Heisenberg himself. Through the history of pop culture, we have heard numerous metaphors and colloquialisms for murdering someone, but sending them to Belize is possibly the most non-descript and frightening. If my boss ever offers me a trip to Belize, I am getting the f*ck out of there.

#2 - Do have a criminal lawyer

Jesse said it best that for criminals, you need a "criminal" lawyer. Saul Goodman looks like a dope and advertises like a dope, but he is as cunning and intelligent a litigator as you will ever find. If you need a guy, he knows someone. If you are in DEA custody or just the local police after throwing millions of dollars out your car window, he will be right there, bluetooth in ear, to get you out of trouble. Just don't forget to cut him in.

#1 - Don't trust chemistry teachers

Like fast food restaurant owners, you would never suspect that the guy teaching you the Periodic Table or about esters and atoms would be capable of formulating the best crystal meth in the world. Or, maybe you are in dire need of some cash, you may want to swing by your old high school and see if your favorite science teacher wants to cook. Whichever works out best, make sure the teacher doesn't have a terminal disease that may set him over the edge of greed and an unstoppable death wish to create the biggest criminal empire in your geographic region. Or, you could just get a better job.

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11:03PM on 09/28/2013
We don't meet Tio/Hector til Ep. 2 of Season 2. Plus this article completely lacks substance.
We don't meet Tio/Hector til Ep. 2 of Season 2. Plus this article completely lacks substance.
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2:12PM on 09/28/2013
Lately there's been alot of poorly written lame breaking bad "articles"

...and this is one do them
Lately there's been alot of poorly written lame breaking bad "articles"

...and this is one do them
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4:23PM on 09/27/2013

You forgot a Crack Commandment

Never Get High On Your Own Supply...pinkman in his early years
Never Get High On Your Own Supply...pinkman in his early years
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