Top 10 Fantastic Fugitive Getaways
In just a few days from now (March 19th, to be exact) Jude Law will be portraying Remy, a repossession man who goes around collecting artificial organs from past-due recipients (great job!) in Universal Pictures' REPO MEN. Unfortunately for Remy, he falls behind on his payments and now he has to go on the run in order to avoid being repo’d himself. It got me thinking about how many other awesome characters have had to run, hide, cheat, and steal their way through life to clear their name or, in the very least, survive the entire movie. Which makes that title pic up there kind of ironic. That's the worst getaway ever. When running from the authorities, the one thing to avoid at all costs is becoming a couple of mangled MILFS at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
"Here's the deal, Wikus, you chump. You throw on that bitchin' battle armor over there and kill all these bad-ass military folk for me and I'll come back and shoot you with some human sauce..... in three years....... don't move from this spot." Wouldn't it be awesome when Christopher comes back if he parks the space ship, steps off the ramp, see Wikus, and says "Fuck me, I knew I forgot something!"
You'd think firing a rocket launcher at a dude armed with nothing more than a knife and a sleeping bag that's trapped in a mine tunnel would pretty much end any issues you might be having with him. Then Rambo quietly slips away from your obnoxious artillery, hitchhikes back into town, and proceeds to wipe you off the map.
Things would have went down a whole lot smoother here had Quaid's fat-old-lady suit not malfunctioned 12 seconds into his plan. What's a guy got to do to get a quality fat-old-lady suit any more? Thank God he got the bomb-in-the-headpiece option. And that guy shot out the window. And those giant reinforced metal doors slid down just in time for him to slip under. And nobody had a key. Thank God all that stuff happened.
First thing you'd hear after we landed in the woods if I was one of these helpful punks on the bikes - "You can fly? What the fuck? Where was that ten minutes ago when I was peddling my ass off all over the city? In fact, why didn't you just fly from the fucking house to here? I almost died....... ooooooh, spaceship."
I know Indiana Jones can hardly be described a fugitive for stealing some stones from a giant children sweat shop, but he was. The bottom of my glass told me so. You think in the back of his mind he knew there was a 5% chance Willie would survive with him cutting the bridge in half? He knew.
Not all getaways have to be flashy and dangerous. Just lie your ass off while using your surroundings to help add some structure to your bullshit. I used this years ago when one of my ex-girlfriends found out I was cheating on her. I blamed it on this notorious mystery man named Carpet McLightswitch. And then I was single.
When Billy comes back after they get away and shoots Murphy in the face is one of my favorite movie moments ever. I'm dead serious. Prior to that though, what are the chances the chest Billy is hiding in lands upright when they throw it out the window? Would his legend be in jeopardy if he ended up suffocating in a piece of luggage wedged between some dried horse poop and a butter churn? It might.
I tried to re-create this moment with a bunch of my drunk friends in college. I stood on the edge of the roof we were all drinking on and screamed " I didn't kill my wife!" Nobody knew what the hell was going on and it was collectively decided, on the spot, that I was retarded. Determined to make them understand I jumped to the pool below. I still don't know which lasted longer, the pain from my shattered ankle or the laughter from my friends. In fact, they both still hurt.
Three reasons I decided against giving this the top spot: 1) Edward Furlong's hair, 2) Edward Furlong, and 3) John Conner doesn't even know he's a fugitive and only gets away because he has the greatest bodyguard in the history of the universe. However, for sake of arguing with myself, it's Conner that sends the big lug back in the first place so give him a little credit and quit being such an asshole.
If I ever need to get away from someone, or something, I want Tom Cruise to be there with me. The dude is always running, ready to just take off at the first sign of trouble. If you're ever walking down the street, minding your own business, and enjoying the day and Tom Cruise goes blasting by you at top speed - you better move your ass.
If this chase scene ended up in the auto factory I work at it would've lasted two days while the van was being assembled by 800 grumpy ugly people and he would have probably had to pay union dues.