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05.05.2010by: Jim Law

Top 10 Favorite Blue Characters

It's hard to explain exactly what inspired this week's list. Maybe I just wanted to rave some more about Pixar. Maybe watching AVATAR again got me feeling weird about CGI Zoe. Maybe it's all these SMURF pictures starting to leak online. Whatever it was, it's done, and I can't take it back (my delete key is broken). I do find it kind of strange that there are so many blue movie characters. If I wanted to do, say, My 10 Favorite Red Characters, it would just be five picture of Hellboy and five pictures of Darth Maul. This is not below my work ethic, by the way, so don't act surprised when it happens.

10. Diva Plavalaguna - THE FIFTH ELEMENT

I usually don't like to highlight characters that strictly sing their dialogue but there's something about this Diva. The fact that I can't understand anything she says helps matters. As does the way her head looks like a limp leg and how you can pump gas from her temples. I have no idea why these things work in her favor, they just do.

10. Diva Plavalaguna - THE FIFTH ELEMENT

I usually don't like to highlight characters that strictly sing their dialogue but there's something about this Diva. The fact that I can't understand anything she says helps matters. As does the way her head looks like a limp leg and how you can pump gas from her temples. I have no idea why these things work in her favor, they just do.

9. Genie - ALADDIN

You know what my first wish would be if I rubbed this big bitch out of a bottle? 8 billion more wishes. Why does nobody ever think of this? My second wish would be that his Robin Williams voice be replaced by Morgan Freeman, in full voiceover-mode. The third would involve boobies of some sort. UPDATE: Seems I was foiled by a "No Wishes for More Wishes" rule. Okay, I change my first wish to "I wish there was no rule against wishing for more wishes." Eat it, Genie.

8. Gonzo The Great - THE MUPPET MOVIES

Exactly what the fuck is Gonzo? I get the frog, the pig, the bear, etc.., but what the hell is Gonzo? It's his mystery that intrigues me. Here's what we know - he likes to bang chickens. That's it. UPDATE: So he's an alien? That sucks, I liked him way more when he was a "whatever". He just moved down a couple spots (NOTE: I'm too lazy to actually move him down a couple spots).

7. Dory - FINDING NEMO

Love this film or not, Dory truly does have some of the funniest moments in Pixar history. It's funny though, if Ellen DeGeneres played this type of character in real life I would probably want to stab her in the face. Funny.

6. Neytiri - AVATAR

She's unable to get any higher on my list for a couple reasons: 1) there's an epic top five coming up that can't be touched, and 2) when she talks I always seem to picture Louis Gossett Jr. in ENEMY MINE. This is conflicting and disturbing.

5. James P. Sullivan - MONSTERS, INC.

I sometimes wish John Goodman was Sulley in real life. How awesome would it be to see the big blue bastard stomping around on the next episode of 'Treme', voicing his displeasure in regards to the political propaganda involved with hurricane Katrina? Real awesome, that's how awesome.

4. Kurt Wagner - X2

It can easily be argued that the opening sequence in X2 is the single greatest scene in the history of comic book movies. And Nightcrawler owns that shit. My 3-yr-old son only refers to him as Monkey Bars. I have no idea why this is but it doesn't stop me from grounding him every time he says it. He's not allowed to go outside until he's 28.

3. Abe Sapien - HELLBOY

It's hard to be taken seriously as an underwater hero in modern day fantasy. You're always being looked down upon as either a pussy (Aquaman), a gigantic prick (The Sub-Mariner), or a hot piece of ass whose hair should be shorter so we can see your boobies (any mermaid ever). Abe not only looks badass, he's got brains and skill to back it up. And he looks tasty on a plate with some chips.

2. Jon Osterman - WATCHMEN

Dr. Manhattan in one epic mother fucker. Dude can end wars with the pass of a hand, jump over to Mars when he's bored to build high-end tourist retreats in seconds, and work on futuristic machinery while banging his girlfriend with multiple versions of his own penis. Why isn't he number one? He got dumped for a dude dressed as an owl, won't kill everyone we want him to, and is in desperate need of pants. Seriously though, I don't know, I just like this chick better...

1. Raven Darkholme - X-MEN

The thing I love about Mystique is the fact that she chooses to be blue. She could walk around as a hot super model, and actually be even more dangerous than she is now, but refuses to conform to society's norm. It's that kind of dedication I like to see at the top of the Ten Spot. I also like to see silky smooth bellies and blue droopies (other than Manhattan's blue droopy).

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