Last Updated on August 3, 2021
1. Hitler’s Hell – INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
I’m open to other’s opinions as much as the next obnoxious internet “journalist”. However, if you watch this scene and can’t find enjoyment out of watching Hitler’s face being blown apart by a machine gun – I don’t get you. Actually, I think you should be arrested for something and be forced to watch Jennifer Aniston dramedies until your eyes bleed. Other than that, we’re cool.
2. Shut That Bitch Up – SCREAM 2
Here’s the thing with SCREAM 2, I honestly believe it’s better than the original until the last ten minutes or so. This opening scene was so perfect, I never wanted it to end. I’m praying they find this magic again for SCREAM 4. I’m praying Neve still has the passion. I’m praying Randy is still alive. I’m praying for SCREAM 3 to be wiped from my memory.
3. Whatcha Gonna Do, Snow White? – GREMLINS & GREMLINS 2
You knew GREMLINS was going to represent in this bitch but what you didn’t know was that I love GREMLINS 2. When Hulk Hogan shows up to save the movie for everybody I was a giddy little kid. What are the chances Hulk Hogan was in the audience? Don’t you understand that there wouldn’t be a GREMLINS 2 if he wasn’t there? It’s a movie miracle I tell ya.
4. Monster Movie – THE BLOB
See how I snuck that .5 in up there? I bet you wouldn’t even have noticed if I didn’t bring it up. So I forgot another one, what of it? You’d screw up once in a while too if you had Mike Sampson breathing down your neck every day with the “deadline taser”. I’m pretty sure the next time I get fired is the last time so let’s just move on. So, uh, yeah, THE BLOB. Awesome.
4.5. How To Wreck a Movie – STRANGE BREW
I actually tried this moth trick once. The only difference was that my jar was filled with extremely agitated bees and they flew directly on to my face and proceeded to sting me until I looked like that kid from MASK. I didn’t get my money back.
5. Stupid Man Suit – DONNIE DARKO
Who the hell falls asleep during THE EVIL DEAD? I would have dumped this bitch right then and there and started hanging out with Frank in Bat-Shit Crazy Town. Dude probably scores mad ass in that bunny suit and seems like a stand up guy, as long as he leaves the mask on to cover his festering facial wounds.
6. No Respect – MST3K: THE MOVIE
I struggled with whether or not this film fit all my ridiculous criteria for the list. In the end I couldn’t deny the fact that everything good about this film does in fact take place in a movie theater. This is just a fancy way of saying “Everything that Mike, Crow, and Servo say in this film makes me giggle like a little fat girl playing in a pond filled with pudding.” and I just wanted you to know that.
7. Down In Front – CAPE FEAR
Nobody has ever laughed this hard at PROBLEM CHILD. That should have been the first hint that this dude was up to no-goodings. Other hints – body tattoos that basically map out your demise, murdering random women, and trying to bang your dumb-as-shit daughter.
8. Cigarette Burns – FIGHT CLUB
I’m usually not a big fan of surprise penises popping up in my films but I had to let this one pass. It’s the reaction of the mother and her kids that gets me here. “Mommy, why do I suddenly crave cock?”
9. Sand Pirates – THE MAJESTIC
As if you needed more proof of the power os Bruce Campbell’s spoken word, here he simply lends his acting talents to SAND PIRATES OF THE SAHARA and cures amnesia. Let it also be know that I couldn’t walk until seeing THE EVIL DEAD.
10. Cover Your Mouth – OUTBREAK
Watch this scene and try not thinking about it the next time some obnoxious greasy bastard coughs around you. Impossible. Following the germs into the mouth of laughing girl is cool and all but my favorite part is when sick-boy heads to the lobby and the patrons treat him like a walking ebolavirus and he dies in the popcorn.
Honorable Mention: Test Screening – THE MUPPET MOVIE
Try to wrap your brain around this film when you’re 5-years-old. All the Muppets are in a theater – I’m in a theater. They’re watching THE MUPPET MOVIE – I’m watching THE MUPPET MOVIE. I spent an hour and a half looking around the room trying to find Beaker and wondering if Animal was going to eat my face.
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