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06.17.2009by: Jim Law

Top 10 Favorite Movie Strippers

Jessica Alba was not a stripper in SIN CITY. All she did was twirl a rope around and dance. Strippers a) take their clothes off and b) usually do some magic tricks involving a pole of some sort. If I went into Alba's strip club I would have been escorted out for throwing bottles at the stage and yelling "TAKE IT OFF! TAKE ANYTHING OFF! AND WHY IS BRUCE WILLIS HERE?" The only nudie bars worse than that one was the one in FLASHDANCE ($7 a beer to watch choreographed music videos live. Fuck off.) and the Titty Twister in FROM DUSK 'TIL DAWN (don't get topless and then try to eat me. Fuck off). Those rules above were the only criteria I needed to dive face first into this bitch. Let's get naked.

10. Barb Wire - BARB WIRE (1996)

I think the only stripping she does in the film is the opening credits. That was enough for me. The water was a nice touch. It took your mind off the fact that you've seen this woman naked more than you've seen yourself naked and added some excitement to this, the most believable scene in the film. This should have lasted an hour and twenty-eight minutes and then had her shoot somebody. That's a way better film.

9. Cherry Darling - PLANET TERROR (2007)

Well before she could blow shit up with her leg, Cherry took to the stage like a lady-tiger in heat. She'd be way higher if I could get over how sculpted her face is. I'm not saying she's ugly or anything but when having your leg replaced with a machine gun is the second biggest operation you've ever had, it's time to step away from the knife. Or at least stop face-slamming it.

8. Cassidy - THE WRESTLER (2008)

Big points here for being 44 years-old when this movie came out. If I walked into a strip club around here you could spot the 44 year-old dancer within two seconds. She's usually standing alone by the bar, snorting coke off the fries she ordered and yelling at her kids to get out of the DJ booth. Marisa brings the hot here though and gives all thirty-something men hope that they can find someone like her when their wives leave them within ten years.

7. Kat - ZOMBIE STRIPPERS (2008)

She may be dead for more than half the movie but that doesn't stop Jenna Jameson from getting naked. The moments she's on stage are, literally, the only scenes worth watching in this wretched film (I've watched it twice). By the time she starts shooting pool-balls out of her poot-poot you begin to remember why you rented (bought) this.

6. Christina - EXOTICA (1994)

The little school-girl outfit has never looked better. There's waaaaaaaay too much plot going on in this film, taking away much needed screen time from Mia Kirshner and her unique stage presence. The only way that scene above (bottom pic) could be any better was if she started talking out of her ass like Ace Ventura. I don't know why, but that would be awesome to me.

5. Serendipity - DOGMA (1999)

Salma stripping has the potential to make the top five of any list I do (watch for her in the puking entry). This scene is made better by the following facts - 1) New Edition busting some 'Candy Girl' to boogie with. 2) She doesn't turn into a vampire. 3) The scene is almost immediately followed up with a giant poop monster. It's like Kevin Smith lives in my brain.

4. Rose Johnny - POWDER BLUE (2009)

I haven't even seen this film, the trailer was enough. Jessica Biel is at another level within my hottie-meter right now and it's a travesty that I can't think up one good reason to tell my wife I need to rent this. "Jessica Biel gets naked" hasn't worked like I thought it would. Next week I'm just going to get it and I'll tell her I thought it was the movie about the albino dude.

3. Helen Tasker - TRUE LIES (1994)

She's not officially a stripper but moves better than your average porn star in the bedroom. I wonder if my wife would ever do something like this to save my life. Actually, I wonder if my wife does this every time she goes out with her friends and comes home with her dress ripped in half and slicked hair. This happens every other weekend.

2. Alice - CLOSER (2004)

If there was nudity involved here this would have been no contest. Still though, getting to see Mathilda all growns up and locked and loaded with a thong was enough to make me stop breathing for ten minutes. I just wish Clive Owen would shut the hell up for a few seconds so I can concentrate. I don't know why but the pink wig moved her up a couple spots too.

1. Erin Grant - STRIPTEASE (1996)

When I started this list out I had no intention of putting her at number one. As things started to thin out though I began to notice how fraking hot Demi Moore was in this film and just how nude she was throughout. There were no dimly lit sets, body doubles, or quick cuts - it was just her and those hardcore breasts right in your face for most of the film (I edited my version and cut out all other plot devices). Good for her. And me.



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