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05.19.2010by: Jim Law

Top 10 Favorite Stairway Scenes

I had a hard time thinking up a list this week. So when I came home from basketball (and 79 pitchers of beer, if I remember correctly) the other night and promptly fell down my stairs while racing to release the epic piss that was starting to flood my inner-torso, it finally came to me. I'll do my 10 favorite pissing scenes! After laying there for an hour, covered in urine and wondering if my kids will notice me in the morning, I remembered I already did that and settled for the stairs thingy.

Honorable Mention: It's a Slinky - ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS

It never fails - whenever I come across a massive amount of stairs I think of this scene and how awesome it would be to release a slinky from the very top. The last thing I think about is actually climbing them all and doing it. You do it.

10. Stella - A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE

This would have been higher if Stella was a little hotter and she didn't frump down the stairs like a coked-out call girl with zero inspiration. In fact, I only included this scene because of how awesomely pathetic Marlon Brando is in it and the fact that he literally destroyed any chance of little girls being named Stella for the next hundred years with two minutes of screen time.

9. Going Down - A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

That's right, bitch, I'm actually an Irish gangster that used to bust kneecaps and stab babies. Now sit your ass down on these stairs while I ravage your giant bush and fantasize about slaughtering dirty hookers. I. Am. Viggo!

8. That Kid is Playing on the Escalator Again! - THE FINAL DESTINATION

Are escalators considered stairs? Fat guy stairs? Whatever, I'm pretty sure this is unused footage from MALLRATS that shows what happens to that fucking kid that won't stop playing on the escalator. Either that or it's a horrifying realization of a recurring nightmare from my childhood. Sooner or later everybody's going to have to accept the fact that these thing's only goal in life is to eat people.

7. The Pazuzu Plunge - THE EXORCIST

How lucky is it that there was a lengthy staircase right outside of Regan's window? What if it was a playground for puppies and Father Karras just started tearing apart defenseless little huskies? There's some things you'd never get over - this scenario is at the top of my list.

6. Getting Stronger - ROCKY

You know how all of Rocky's workout montages show him conquering some sort of physical obstacle? I wish they would have done that here, with the stairs. The first couple tries he just totally wipes out on the first stair. The next effort has him make it half way and he falls backwards and rolls to the bottom. Maybe, at one point, he runs up the wrong set of stairs and ends up at the gates of Heaven. I'm telling you, it would make his celebration at the end that much better.

5. Batter Up - THE SHINING

You want to see how legends are born? Watch Jack Nicholson real close in this scene. Any time a guy can make you kind of admire him because of his humor and be completely terrified of what he's going to do next might have a grasp on that whole "character acting" thing. Bash her Jackie Boy. Bash her real good.

4. Stairway to Heaven - GREMLINS

This is what you get when you have a ski-lift in your home. Who am I kidding, you know how bad I wanted one of these after seeing this? Not only would it be like a daily dose of carnival, if you fuck with it just right you can shoot yourself out a top-floor window. Position the pool correctly and kids would've had to pay to be my friend. Talk about your opposite world.

3. Spider-Girl - THE EXORCIST: THE VERSION YOU'VE NEVER SEEN

Holy bajebus! Two extraordinary stair scenes in one film? This must be considered some sort of freak occurrence that defies all logic and not reflect on the writer's failure to do any sort of deep journalistic research and trying to spread shit out a little. Anyhoo, look at Regan up there. Creepy, huh?

2. Don't Look Down - VERTIGO

You ever watch a movie and convince yourself you are afflicted with whatever the main character has? I thought I was an alcoholic after seeing LEAVING LAS VEGAS. THE ELEPHANT MAN made me wrap my head in a tensor bandage so it wouldn't swell up. And VERTIGO made me swear off the top bunk for life. No joke, I was a very stupid child.

1. Stone Cold - THE UNTOUCHABLES

You don't get much cooler than Andy Garcia in this scene. If Chuck Norris were walking by and witnessed the action here he would have pooped his panties. Andy starts things off by sniping a thug from the second floor. Then he runs down stairs, tosses Costner a loaded pistol, slides underneath a runaway baby carriage, lines up the last remaining gangster, and shoots him in the tonsils. Fuck Chuck Norris.

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