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10.07.2009by: Jim Law

Top 10 Fictional Towns I'd Like to Move To

There's been two or three drive-bys in my city in the last few weeks (one of them was with a pellet gun, I think) so it's only common for me to start thinking about a better place to raise my kids. To do this I drank a litre of rum and stared at my DVD shelf for six hours straight. I woke to my wife screaming something about sleeping in a puddle of piss & poop. I shot up, told her to call a moving van, and gave her this list.

Honourable Mention: Emerald City - THE WIZARD OF OZ

Two words - FLYING MONKEYS. Sure, they're evil and what-not but imagine if I could catch one of the little fuckers and train it to follow orders. A flying helper monkey? Are you kidding me? I'd be the envy of every munchkin on the block and giggle myself to sleep every night.

10. Zion - MATRIX RELOADED

Sweaty naked raves aren't really my thing but I'm willing to give it a try. There's no lawn to cut, no car to wash, and I imagine it's not a lot of work to keep your cave tidy. There is that issue with all the gigantic robot thingies attacking every so often but I bet there's tons of good places to hide in this pit.

9. Monstropolis - MONSTERS INC.

If only because I could be a part of the Pixar family. Sure, I'd be an animated monster, but it beats having to shave every day. Before we moved here I'd put in a request for my wife to become the Booby Monster. It's haunted my dreams for years.

8. Raccoon City - RESIDENT EVIL

I've know that I was meant to kill zombies since I was demented little kid. I'm pretty sure I could get a house on the cheap which would lead to spending all the money I save on an adequate arsenal. I'd home school the kids and train the wife on the side. We'd be a big happy family of zombie fighting ninjas.

7. Cloud City - THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

My picture of this place has always been sunshine, fluffiness, and an endless supply of Colt 45. I also imagine crazy buck-naked keggers in the moonlight where everyone gets lethally drunk and pisses over the edge of the city onto whatever sorry planet that has rotated underneath us at that moment. Every night.

6. Gotham - THE BATMAN FILMS

This is strictly for street-cred. I always see those guys on TV saying they had it so hard growing up on the streets of New York or Chicago or whatever. How about trying to go to work in the morning during a hailstorm of bullets from The Joker's henchmen? Or stopping to buy a slice of pizza when Two-Face blows up an armored truck ten feet away, blowing me into the arms of Poison Ivy who very nearly kills me with a daffodil? Jeez, even our super-hero is an asshole. In reality, I would never leave the house.

5. Halloween Town - THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

It just seems like my kind of place. There's ghosts, goblins vampires, werewolves, and monsters, with an overall feeling of morbid terror. I might actually be able to walk around without my shirt on and fit in. My kids might be scarred for life after the move but will forget all about it the first time they get a chance to beat on all the little pussies from Christmas Town.

4. Hobbiton - THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY

There's no hiding the fact that I'm six-feet-four-inches tall and weigh two-hundred-and-fifty pounds. Thing is, I'm also as hairy as an Italian Yeti with a body perm. I imagine the Hobbits will embrace me into their culture and refer to me as Your Gigantic Awesomeness if they know what's good for them.

3. Shermer, Illinois - JOHN HUGHES FILMS

I want high school to be a special time for my sons. If it takes moving here, where every girl is love-depraved, self-loathing, heart-broken, and one makeover montage away from being a hottie, so be it. Also, I could be the warm-hearted father that teaches them life lessons and gets sympathy for being so strong-willed after the loss of my beloved wife. Note: My wife sees no future here, literally.

2. Toontown - WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?

How great would it be to finally get my kid to stop watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse twenty hours of the day? He can just go over there now. I'd get a job at ACME and maybe bang Betty Boop on the side. My wife would accept this and secretly deliver her hand-made spinach condoms to Popeye three or four times a day. This just got kind of weird, didn't it?

1. Pleasantville - PLEASANTVILLE

How easy would life be if girls that wanted to have sex with you were color-coded? My neon ass would simply sweet-talk a grayscale hottie until she lit up and we'd be off to the backseat to mix our primaries. Believe it or not - I used to think about shit like this before this film even existed.

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