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08.12.2009by: Jim Law

Top 10 Fun-Filled Prison Riots

I tend to put prison riots in the same list as bar brawls and car chases. All seem fun as fuck to watch on film but I’d be dead in three seconds if I ever found myself in the middle of one in real life. Yes, these are the types of lists I create for myself. I also have “hot celebrities that would be great to bang but would probably make me hide if I ever met them” and “douchebags in the film industry that I’d like to bitch-slap who would probably kick my ass up and down the street”. These are the Ten Spots I try not to share. Anyhoo, prison riots, fun stuff. Everybody involved is some sort of badass, that one prick prison guard always gets it the worst, and there’s no time for any anal rape. I’m not a big fan of anal rape. Let’s get started before I tell you about that list.

10. Tango & Cash (1989)

This is probably the most organized of all the riots since it's just everybody in the prison vs. Sly and Kurt Russell. I don't like the prison's odds. Remember Teri Hatcher's ass in this film? Yum.

9. Half Past Dead 2 (2007)

I'd probably be the guy to get matched up with somebody like Goldberg if I was ever in a riot. Everybody else is throwing toilet paper fire-balls and I'm getting my dick fed to me via jackhammer in the middle of cell block 4.

8. Face-Off (1997)

Do you realize how much you need to over-act when you're trying to be Castor Troy? You have to yell a lot, be quirkier than a cracked-out conspiracy theorist, and bath in flamboyance. Nicholas Cage plays him for at least five minutes in every role he's had since.

7. Naked Gun 33 1/3 (1994)

Back when spoofing shit was still funny (but wearing itself thin by this film), Lieutenant Frank Drebin shows why he's the man by announcing "Ain't no prison yet could hold me. Attica! Attica! Power to the brothers! Kill whitey! Kill Whitey!" while walking into undercover prison duty. It gets funnier from there.

6. Reform School Girls (1986)

I imagine all female prisons have way better riots. Think of all the flowing hair and cat-fights. Thing is, this is just a "reform school" as the title suggests and the riot scenes involve a school bus at one point. Whatever, I'll take it. Pillow fights, slapping, boobies.....

5. Riot (1969)

The tagline on the poster for this film is "They exploded the ugliest riot in prison history to cover their dangerous, desperate break for freedom." It's a pretty big poster. It also boasts Gene Hackman and Jim Brown being badass. Why have you never seen it?

4. Watchmen (2009)

Imagine this. You finally get the balls to stand up to all the injustices laid upon you over the years by a crooked system. You’ve melded the perfect weapon out of empty toilet paper rolls and shards of glass you’ve collected from the yard. On it you’ve carved the names of the guard that beat you and the giant-man that violated you seven years ago. Plans have been agonized over for months, escape routes have been detailed to the very inch. Nothing will stand in your way. As soon as you step out of your cell some ass-clown dressed as an owl shatters both your arms and the hot chick with the leather thong obliterates your nutsack. Worst. Timing. Ever.

3. Beyond Re-Animator

We can all agree by now, prison riots are a blast. However, if you need even more fun crammed into your night of chaos, try to make sure half the population of the prisoners are re-animated corpses. Undead prison riots are the new way to go.

2. The Last Castle (2001)

The only riot you'll ever see that makes use of a trebuchet. I guarantee it. How do you go about hiding a trebuchet on prison grounds, I wonder. And since you're asking, this is what a trebuchet is. I've already begun to build a similar one in my backyard. The dog that shits on my lawn will never see it coming. Tony Soprano is a puss!

1. Natural Born Killers (1994)

This could be my favourite Oliver Stone moment ever, and that kind of scares me. Maybe it's just the Rage Against the Machine ringing through my ears and not the bloody carnage that's making me feel amped up inside. Maybe I just enjoy the inspired work of Robert Downey Jr. and Tommy Lee Jones instead of feeling the urge to see more an more people die. Maybe I've got issues. Don't tell me there's nobody in your life you wouldn't like to go all Mick-and-Mallory on.

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