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02.26.2009by: Jim Law

Top 10 Funniest Movie Drunks

Make no doubt about this, friends - I am shit-faced right now. I felt it was a state of mind required for the topic at hand and it’s after 11:00 am…… somewhere. Throughout my career I think I’ve been a pretty fun drunk. There was the time I went for a run on my buddy’s treadmill, naked, in the middle of a party. The time I dangled from a bridge while walking to Ottawa from Hull, Quebec (I couldn’t read the signs saying not to. They were in French). I’ve shot roman candles out of my mouth, pissed all over my weight bench because I thought it was a toilet, hailed a cop down because I thought it was a taxi, and ate an entire test-tube after doing a shot of Jag at Cobo Joe’s in downtown Detroit. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with me? Same goes for these guys below. Get us a couple kegs, some bottles of rum, and a box of diapers and you’ve got yourself the party of the year.

Honourable Mention: Phil - WAYNE'S WORLD (1992)

I just got through NICK AND NORA'S INFINITE PLAYLIST and couldn't believe how annoying the drunk girlfriend was. Phil doesn't need that much attention, just a ride and some Queen to rock out to. Everybody knows this guy. What determines what kind of person you are is whether or not you stop to pick him up and what size Dixie cup you give him to hurl in.

10. Steve - PORKY'S II: THE NEXT DAY (1983)

There’s no way I can make this list without giving props to this guy. I don’t remember him from any other scene in these movies other than this drunken rant atop a passing police cruiser. It’s so randomly brilliant my brother and I literally laughed about this scene for the next fifteen years. All it would take was one of us to say “oogie boogie” and we were in tears.

9. Barry - BEERFEST (2006)

After a night of training for Beerfest you too might find yourself in the company of dead jackalopes. In the very least, if I was asked to be on this team, I would be sure to bite a hooker and not pay for it. That's crazy drunk, yo.

8. Coach Buttermaker - THE BAD NEWS BEARS (1976)

Who wouldn't be a miserable alcoholic if they had to coach this team of little assholes? I once hit my coach with a line drive in practice and he cut me on the spot. We were both drunk at the time so it's fuzzy as to who was to blame. I've drank every day since and he's long dead now so everything's cool. I don't even know what we're talking about.

7. Alan Swann - MY FAVORITE YEAR (1982)

Ironically, anyone that rocks that kind of moustache nowadays only does because they were drunk and one of their drunk friends bet them they wouldn't do it. Peter O'Toole was nominated for an Oscar after this inebriated portrayal of a washed up Hollywood star based on Errol Flynn. Johnny Moreno was nominated for life without parole after getting blasted at our staff party and hijacking a bus of handicapped kids. He drove right through the doors of a casino in Vegas, parked at the roulette table, slid the doors open, and threw his life savings ($85) on red. Wesley Snipes walked by and said "Always bet on black" and Johnny shot him in the face. Then I woke up. I was on the roof of the bus.

6. Billy Madison - BILLY MADISON (1995)

It’s scary to think that if I was a millionaire, this is exactly how I would live. Hopefully I’d be able to leave out the school thingy, life lessons, and all the penguins. The burning poop-bags? In. The equally drunk friends lying about pool-side? No doubt. Random musical numbers where I sing about my girlfriend’s perfect rack? What do you think, I do that now.

5. Bob & Doug McKenzie - STRANGE BREW (1983)

You knew Canada was going to represent on this bitch. Watching this film makes me feel like Italians do, I imagine, while watching ROCKY. Bob drinking an entire storage vat of beer is the equivalent to knocking out Clubber Lang, believe it. Even more iconic than the stars is their dog, Hose Head. His ninja roll over the roof will surely be a bright spot when I think about it tomorrow morning during a “top five” hangover.

4. Long Duk Dong - SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984)

Asian exchange students are fun enough to hang out with without the booze. Hook them up with some spirits and a beast of a woman that likes to yanky the wanky and you’ve got yourself one of the most underrated comedic characters of all time.

3. Arthur Bach - ARTHUR (1981)

This film introduced me to alcoholism and how funny and it can be. Later in life, living in a van down by the Detroit River, I realized it was a disease. Still funny, but in a life threatening kind of way. Dudley Moore digs his way under your skin in this film and keeps you giggling for the better part of two hours. He was rewarded with an Oscar nomination and the title of That Funny Little Drunk Dude whenever I couldn't remember his name.

2. Frank "The Tank" Ricard - OLD SCHOOL (2003)

Everyone wanted to be Frank the Tank in college. Few of us measured up. There is an art to being this stupid. It takes years of training to allow the alcohol to transform you into such a powerfully ridiculous entity. Everybody wants to be around you, nobody wants to be you. How is it possible there isn’t a straight-to-DVD prequel to this film chronicling the rise to power of Frank the Tank? How is it possible that I just came up with such an amazing idea while slurping the shot of tequila, I just spilled, out of my keyboard. I pray my kids never read these things.

1. John Blutarsky - ANIMAL HOUSE (1978)

My favourite character of all time is a drunk. He dumps mustard on himself for no reason. He obliterates guitars that threaten to kill the mood. He likes togas. He’s a zit. There will never be another human that can make me laugh as hard as John Belushi did. I miss him more than you can imagine. He literally made me discover my own sense of humour, taught me to not do drugs, and could deliver more comedy with his eyebrow than I‘ve seen during the last five years of ‘Saturday Night Live‘ combined. I’ve gotta go pee.

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