Top 10 Geek Alumni
How do you rank geeks? Is it the amount of pens in their pocket protector? The thickness of their glasses? The elasticity of their suspenders? These are the questions I've been running through my head the past week while trying to decide who should sit on top of my giant pile of cinematic nerds. I ended up sticking to the school scenario which led to the omission of some classic adult geeks such as Dr. Egon Spengler from GHOSTBUSTERS, Herbert West from RE-ANIMATOR, and super geek, Clark Kent. So consider this your very own yearbook from Dork University. Hope you don't find a page dedicated to you.
If paying the most popular girl in school $1,000 to date you for a month isn't geeky enough, practicing an African interpretive dance at home and then busting it out at school pretty much seals the deal. Ronnie (Patrick Dempsey) might fool Cindy (Amanda Peterson) into thinking he's actually a warm-hearted regular guy but odds are this guy is knee deep in porn sites and stalking charges for the rest of his life.
To be fair, nothing about Lane's (John Cusak) life is normal, which seems to separate him from the rest of the universe, socially. He's being hunted down by his paper boy for $2, his little brother is building a rocket in his bedroom, every time he stops at a street light he's challenged by an Asian Howard Cosell impersonator to a drag race, and his girlfriend just dumped him for a guy named Stalin (Aaron Dozier). I'm not saying trying to kill yourself and failing repeatedly makes you a geek but it sure makes it easier to laugh at you.
Could be selected just on looks alone but Kyle (D.J. Qualls) does his best to fit the part considering he wouldn't even have been included in the movie if he didn't have a car. Highlights include getting deflowered by the "King Kong Bundy" of black women with panties the size of a barbeque cover and munching down on some French toast that was buttered by Horatio Sanz's ass-crack.
Duckie (Jon Cryer) has to be the one character on the list that puts the most effort into being an outcast. That silly hat, those sarcastic yet hurtful one-liners, and his uncanny ability to ignore everything going on around him except the presence of Andie (Molly Ringwald) and her weird fascination with the color pink. The Duck Man would have been less of a loser had the producers stuck with the original ending and actually let him get the girl but destiny wouldn't have it. "His name is Blane? That's a major appliance, that's not a name!"
"This one time at Band Camp...." ....there lived the only girl to crack the top ten. Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) is a perfectly written character. Her constant lip flapping and general annoyance throughout the film are enough to drive a deaf man insane. Which is why we were absolutely floored when it was time for her confession about inserting a musical instrument into her privates. It was the conversational equivalent to beer goggles. You immediately forget that this woman is the queen of losers and her barrage of boring Band Camp stories. This girl is now a hottie and there's nothing you can do about it.
"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son." Flounder (Stephen Furst) seemed determined to not follow Dean Wormer's (John Vernon) advice and started his college career as smoothly as a retarded gorilla in a china shop. Thank God there was a Delta House around to accept the utter stupidity of Kent because in the real world he would of spent every morning fetching his giant underpants from the flagpole while being pelted with a fine mixture of eggs and pointy rocks. If accidentally killing a horse in the Dean's office while trying to do the exact opposite was considered cool, things could have been different.
I always felt these guys were the same character and because Anthony Michael Hall's portrayal of both is so similar, I decided to have them share the 4 spot. I guess I could have thrown in Gary from WEIRD SCIENCE but that would have been just crazy. Hall defined the word geek during the eighties with his witty dialogue and habit of making cool kids hate him. The roles might have just been cliché back in the day but they turned out to be some of the most loved and memorable characters ever created. When Hollywood stoops to a new low and starts remaking these flicks, it'll be a sad day.
Image your horror if you traveled back in time to see how your father rolled back in the day and found this guy. Crispin Glover is incredible as McFly Sr. and has the greasy hair, speech impediment, token bully, and women issues to prove it. And just so you know, no character can deliver a line like this; "Last night, Darth Vader came down from planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't take Lorraine out that he'd melt my brain." and not be included in the top five of this list.
The new school geeks have taken over the world. This is proven every time I walk through the mall and see 600 t-shirts with their faces plastered on them and can't get past one day without hearing some knob quote this movie. It's true that Kip (Aaron Ruell) and Napoleon (Jon Heder) possess some of the skills that chicks dig (nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills, etc..) but it's kind of hard to show them off when you're too busy feeding your pet llama, building time travel machines in your living room, and dealing with your uncle's belief that he can throw a football over a mountain.
Looking back, I could have filled this list with characters from this movie alone. That still wouldn't change number one though. Louis (Robert Carradine) is the king of all Hollywood geeks. Just look at that pocket protector, filled to the brim with a pen for every occasion, the "I might be gay, I might not" posture, the pants, the glasses, that thing strapped to his belt. His laugh bellows out like a geek mating call while the slightest hint of an overbite makes you wonder how many lockers this guy has been trapped inside. You are a geek Lewis and for a couple rainy days back in the eighties, you were my hero.