Top 10 Greatest Teammates
Almost every sports movie follows the same premise. You got your main character and a slew of wacky and/or interesting individuals to round out a team. More often than not, one of those teammates goes on to steal the show. This list is dedicated to all those fake athletes and their less important sub-plots. I could have just ended it with that picture above and the title but I'm the type of guy that likes to earn his money. That's why my man-whore service is thriving and all my friends still talk to me. On with the show.
I'm surprised this wasn't a rule in the XFL. Extremely hot women place kickers. Very few nights went by during my teen years without dreaming about Kathy Ireland and her sandy ass. The Texas State University Fightin' Armadillos knew what I was talking about when they decided on a supermodel to kick their extra points. God help her if she drops the soap after the game.
Kenny 'Squeak' Scolari (Dian Bachar) does nothing but get shit on in Trey Parker and Matt Stone's hilarious cross over sport classic - and he's awesome at it. He goes from cable guy, to teammate, to sleeping in a drawer, to new best friend, to saving the day. All this while not gaining one once of respect along the way. MVP, MVP, MVP!
Before Jason Statham was all action hero and sexy assed, he was The Broadhurst Monk, a psychotic prisoner turned goalie in the Brit's take on THE LONGEST YARD. His tendency to stray from the crease does nothing to help his team but his daydreaming sequences are some of the funniest shit I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure my wife would make out with guy in front of me. Beckham wishes he was this cool.
Before this kid even finds out what puberty is he's graced with a slap shot deadlier than Brett Hull. One minute he's busting windows in an ally and the next thing you know he's the Duck's secret weapon. I always love that puck camera angle where it looks like the shot is going about 0.5 miles an hour and yet everyone is diving out of the way. Including the goalie.
This is your average human being on drugs. A lot of drugs. The great Andrew Bryniarski (far right in above pic) almost looked out of place he was so huge in this movie. Roid rages and rapes aside, Latts just wanted to play football to the best of his ability. If he needed a dozen or so needles before each game to get there, so be it. It's no surprise that he turned into Leatherface years later.
President Palmer and Blade could play a little ball in their younger years. Both did their part in the Indians late pennant run. Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert) spiced things up in the locker room with his obsession to free his bat of any curses ("Hats for bats, keep bats warm.") while Willie hit like Mays and ran like Hayes. Only Pedro and his little buddy Jobu had the balls to come back for a sequel though.
Tanner (Chris Barnes) is the only kid to care about winning from beginning to end. He fought the entire seventh grade, graciously handed out racial slurs whenever he felt they were needed, and had the balls to say what everyone else was thinking when he told the Yankees to take their championship and that trophy and shove them up their asses.
Ty (Chevy Chase) never really finds his stroke in the final showdown with the Judge (Ted Night) and the Doc (Dan Resin). It could have been that late night visit to Carl's (Bill Murray) and the hit off that giant Bob Marley joint he took the night before. Or, it just might be that Ty wanted to let underdog Danny Noonan (Michael O'Keefe) save the day and stop carrying around old men's bags for a living.
Thanks to the great Bill Simmons over at ESPN, this is what we know; Jimmy (Maris Valainis) only misses 4 shots throughout this entire movie. In the final game he's shown scoring 26 of his teams total 42 points. Simmons guesses his final tally to be 30 with nobody else on the team scoring more than 4. The guy only has a handful of lines in the script and in real life, was the only teammate to never play collage ball. Jimmy Chitwood is an icon.
These are the guys you want on your team whatever sport you're playing. They skate - they fight. They warm up - they fight. They go into the stands - they fight. They lose some change in a pop machine - they fight. They would have beat Jimmy Chitwood's ass during the pre-game stretch if you give a chance. Nobody has ever had an impact on sports in movies more than The Brothers. If you disagree, you're dead.