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03.15.2006by: Jim Law

Top 10 Guilty Pleasures

I'm done hiding. Consider this article the literary equivalent to scaling the highest rooftop and screaming my forbidden love for a group of movies that I've kept locked up in a deep dark corner of my personal screening room for far too long. I hope my secret stash encourages you to do the same and I look forward to your guilty pleasures in the Strike Back section below. Anyone can say their favourite movie is Pulp Fiction and remain cool. Not everybody is gonna go on a website and proclaim their secret obsession of films that feature Scott Baio, Mr. T, and a soundtrack made famous by DeBarge. I wish I could quit them.... but I can't, and I'm through trying.

10. THE LAST DRAGON (1985)

It's part Bruce Lee homage, part video game, part Motown music video, and part homoerotic kung-fu fighting. William H. Macy is in there, as is Chazz Palminteri, Rudy and Cockroach from "The Cosby Show", a TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (II) alumni, and one of the most ridiculously awesome bad guys ever put to film.

9. D.C. CAB (1983)

It should be no surprise when I say I went to see this movie for Mr. T. I was a nine year old punk waiting for T to roll some heads and build a tank out of toilet paper and toothpicks. What I got was a vulgar comedy riddled with unnecessary sub-plots and a cameo from Irene Cara. It made me feel like I was watching something that might get me grounded, and I loved it. Gratuitous nudity, early rumblings from a very psychotic Gary Busey, the great Adam Baldwin, and The Barbarian Brothers all steal time from their marketing hero (see the poster above) while fitting perfectly into the cast of lovable losers. I've hummed the "Mission Impossible" theme on more than one secret mission due to this film.

8. ROMY and MICHELE'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION (1997)

Sandwiched between CLUELESS and LEGALLY BLOND, Romy and Michele have taken the top spot for me when it comes to dumb blonde movies. Sometimes I think it's how over the top their stupidity is (trying to say they invented Post-It notes) or the lengths the film goes to separate high school stereotypes, but in the end, the thing that keeps drawing me back to this chick flick is the portrayal of Heather Mooney by Janine Garofalo. I love a character that hates everybody around her and insists on dropping f-bombs every other word. Nothing reminds me of high school more.

7. ORGAZMO (1997)

It might be my love for BASEKETBALL seeping over but ORGAZMO has more than enough classic moments to finally stand on it's own. The fact that it looks like some kids stole a video camera and shot the first thing that popped into their heads makes it funnier for me. Believe me, I'm 32 years old and I don't want to laugh a guy running around with a giant dildo strapped to his head, but I do.... every time I watch it. Crazy props to Dian Bachar too. Considering his solid performance as Choda Boy here and Squeak in BASKETBALL, I don't understand how he's not getting more work.

6. CAN'T HARDLY WAIT (1998)

If you weren't in high school when this movie was released it's almost as if it doesn't exist. I wasn't in high school. In fact, I was one year into a factory job that seems to suck a little more life out of me every day I step into it. So why do I love this movie? Is it the fact that it reminds me of a time when nothing was as important as a tight tank top in the middle of a house party? Maybe. Is it an absolute perfect cast of characters? Probably. Is it that one scene where Mike Dexter is all drunk and making an ass out of himself and somebody off-screen breaks an uncomfortable silence by calling him a fag? Yes, yes it is.

5. MEAN GIRLS (2004)

Okay, this one is really hard to explain. I've seen this type of movie a hundred times. I usually want nothing to do with these new young Pop Stars and their singing / acting careers. I'm not a woman. Every once in a while though, one of these things stands out and makes me smile more often then I expect. Maybe it's the great Tina Fey's writing. Maybe it's because Rachel McAdams plays a perfect bitch and she was born just down the highway from me. Maybe it's even my own teenage curiosity getting the better of me to find out just how hot Claudia from "Party of Five" has become. Whatever it is, I have to live with it now.

4. ZAPPED! (1982)

I haven't seen this in a long time since nobody wants to put it out on DVD and I haven't broken down yet and bought the bootleg copy from eBay yet but I remember it like I watched it yesterday. What I remember most is the horrible acting by Scott Baio and his hetero-life partner Willie Aames. There's also the sad display of special effects and something do do with a telekinetic mouse. Oh yeah, and Heather Thomas' fantastic blouse busting scene.

3. STUDENT BODIES (1981)

Approximately twenty seconds into this movie a dog farts. I laugh very hard. I continue laughing throughout because a) I'm an immature asshole and b) there's about 500 more jokes that are just as stupid. Almost 20 years before SCARY MOVIE made fun of the slasher genre a bunch of no-names got together and made this hidden gem. It's the obscurity of the humour that gets to me. There's a shop teacher obsessed with horse-head bookends, a double jointed janitor named Malvert who pees red, a rubber chicken, a running (on-screen) body count, and a serial killer who has a hard time breathing and constantly steps in gum. What else do you need?

2. THE BLOB (1988)

A solid remake from the writer of THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION and THE GREEN MILE and starring Johnny "Drama" Chase. This movie demands your respect. Having a shapeless slab of goo roaming around the city destroying everything in it's path is great. Having that same nameless villain graphically kill a kid on screen is legendary. This movie has balls, and did I mention Drama?

1. THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE (1995)

I wasn't crazy about the television series and still managed to see every episode. The life lessons and moral integrity of the show is what made it such a nostalgic joke years later, which is why I think the direction the filmmakers took with this movie is perfect. Taking the Brady lifestyle and hurling into modern day L.A. is really the only way to make a Brady Bunch movie and have anybody care. Christine Taylor doesn't hurt either. She's so damn hot in this movie it's ridiculous. Dare I say it? I wanna bang a Brady.

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