Top 10 Halloween Costume Suggestions (for my wife)
I hate to use this column as my own personal forum for my wife but that's what happens when she decides to stop talking to me for weeks at a time (this has something to do with the fact that I also do Boobies of the Day for this site). Anyhoo, if your reading, I searched long and hard at the past year in film and decided on some original costume ideas that will set you apart from other MILFs and give the little boys more candy than they deserve. Call me.
My wife is no taller than 3'6". She says she's 5'2" but everybody that knows her just agrees to help her self-esteem. Throw on a potato bag and some buttons and we've got a mirror image of this demonic little fucker that can run around my house and make me giggle myself to death.
This has nothing to do with the fact that I met these chicks at Comic Con a couple years ago. It also has nothing to do with the fact that, when approached by the trio and asked if I worked for JoBlo.com, I stumbled all over myself and responded with what can only be described as a sentence that sounded much like "cheese-fart-six". I have no idea what I was trying to say.
You bring the thong, I'll bring the candles. Every time a new song starts you have to change into something sluttier and pour hot wax on your nippley regions. In case you pick this one, I've withdrawn our entire bank account in five dollar bills, rolled tight and ready to be plucked from my teeth.
If you're not reading Ask A Scream Queen over at Arrow In The Head, you should be. Tiffany is taking any and all questions from fans across the world and delivering some of the funniest, informative, hurtful, and blunt answers on the internet. My wife could just walk around the house in her underwear while swearing like a drunk trucker and punching me in the face every ten minutes or so.
This one is for her and all her friends. We'll have a big party where all the woman pretend to be Lesbian Vampires and all the men sit around and drink giant beers. Really get into character here too, there should be lots of biting, sucking, and scratching.
I could have just said Megan Fox, I guess, but maybe I have a thing for bloody possessed chicks. And it's a little less obvious than saying "Can you pretend to be Megan Fox tonight 'cause I'd really like to bang her senseless?" Chances are she'd just make me dress up like that little fat kid with the rose and ignore me for the rest of the evening.
I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind slapping some electrical tape on her nips and swinging around my pole for a few hours as long as I dressed up as Jason Statham. This would involve me talking all Britishy and carving abs into my stomach with an ice-cream scoop. Totally worth it.
A little hair dye and the world's tightest water-bra and we're almost there. Almost. I'd offer her a boob-job but, with my luck, she'd take it and Halloween would end up costing me $10,000 in tit and another $5,000 in candy for the two hour line of dads bring their brats to trick & treat our house.
It might sound sad but I think this is the most realistic chance I have on this list. Same hair, I'm pretty sure she could pass for a ten-year-old, we can dig up her old catholic school-girl uniform, and I'm always finding these little crayon drawings she does that show me dying in a hellish inferno while being decapitated. They're so colorful.
It's super cheap, comfortable, we'd win all the costume prizes (because she'd have a real gun), and I'd finally get to pull out the old pickaxe and mining gear (don't ask) and chase her around the 'hood for a while. I'll let her know its me, eventually.
Have a great Halloween, boys and girls.