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01.30.2006by: Jim Law

Top 10 Moments in Bed

I saw one of the best t-shirts ever the other day. It read "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me". This list isn't what you think. I'm not here to count down the greatest acts of sex ever performed between the sheets (although, I wouldn't rule that out in the future). This is a collection of moments that varies from legendary embarrassment to nightmare inducing creepiness. It'll make you want to change your sheets and check under the bed with a flashlight before you tuck yourself in tonight. If movies have taught us anything it's that clowns do eat people and we're not as safe under the covers as we think. Sweet dreams.

10. Wide Load - SCARY MOVIE (2000)

I put these two together because, essentially, they're the same movie. The first makes fun of SCREAM with Bobby (Jon Abrahams) finally getting some action from Cindy (Anna Faris). After she chomps on his pecker and he uses a hedge trimmer to clear away some unattended bush, Cindy gets on top and is victim to the biggest orgasm known to man. The other takes a jab at AMERICAN PIE with Janey (Chyler Leigh) trying to give herself a little birthday treat via a gigantic vibrating dildo. After her dad, brother, dog, priest, some neighbourhood kids, and basically everyone else she knows joins the party, she finally hits the right spot and shoots her battery operated boyfriend onto a birthday cake.

9. Guitar Solo - AIRPLANE!

In yet another spoof (AIRPORT 1975) Randy (Lorna Patterson), a multitalented stewardess, decides to cheer up a very sick Lisa (Jill Whelan) with a song. Everyone on the flight seems to be enjoying the tune except Lisa, whose life-providing IV keeps getting knocked out of her arm every time the beat picks up pace. Never underestimate the hilarity of this movie.

8. Deep Sleep - A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)

Nothing defines comfort like a huge set of headphones engulfing your noggin and a fifty pound television on your lap. Glen (Johnny Depp) stills finds a way to fall asleep though and it turns out to be the last nap he'll ever take. As soon as sleepy time sets in, Freddy sucks Glen and his home entertainment center into the bed and spits them out in the form of blood and guts all over the ceiling.

7. Skid Marks - TRAINSPOTTING (1996)

Hope this never happens to you. After a night of hardcore partying, Spud (Ewen Brenner) wakes up alone in a strange bed filled with his own feces. In attempt to hide the evidence he comes face to face with last night's mistress and her parents enjoying a nice breakfast and accidentally sprays shit all over them. This scene not only made me stop drinking my face off every night, I also didn't poop for three weeks.

6. Clowns Suck - POLTERGEIST (1982)

Everything finally seems right in the Freeling household. Furniture has stopped shooting across the room, trees have stopped eating people, faces have stopped melting, and Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke) has come out of the TV. Send in the clown. Straight out of some people's worst nightmares, Robbie (Oliver Robins) goes toe to toe with his demented doll, proving the house still isn't safe and clowns are root of everything evil in the universe.

5. Rog Wakes Up - DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978)

One of the most gut wrenching moments in fallen hero history. Roger (Scott H. Reiniger) goes from zombie killer extreme to crazy looking dead guy as fast as you can say "When there's no more room in hell...". Caring for a character in a zombie film is rare but watching (and listening) to Roger make this transformation is almost unbearable. Imagine sitting with your best friend as he slowly dies only to have him come back and then have to shoot him in the head.

4. The Headstone - HALLOWEEN (1978)

We kind of get the idea that Michael Myers is a little wacky throughout the first half of HALLOWEEN but it's not until this moment that we realize the man is on a mission. Killing people is one thing, slitting their throat and then propping them up in front of your murdered sister's gravestone and making it look like some sacrificial slaying afterwards points to a whole lot of problems. Hands down one of the eeriest images in the history of film. If I ever walked in on something like this I'd die. Heart stop, fall down, die.

3. Those aren't Pillows - PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES (1987)

John Candy was a lovable guy but having him spooning you with his hand firmly tucked in your ass crack is a feeling I could do without. Easily the funniest homophobic scene ever filmed. How many times in your life have you done something ultra-gay and quickly followed it up by asking "See that Bears game last week?" Neal (Steve Martin) is just lucky Del never really got his man-love going on. The boney little bastard would have been fleshy blow up doll dominated by 400 pounds of Canadian bacon.

2. Good Head - THE GODFATHER (1972)

Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) wants Jack Woltz (John Marley) to put Johnny Fontane (Al Martino) in his new war film. The answer is no. The next morning Woltz wakes up with the head of his prized horse, a $600,000 stud named Khartoum, at the foot of his bed. Is there a family in the world that should be f*cked with less?

1. Pazuzu Party - THE EXORCIST (1973)

Where do we start? Is it the "F*ck me" scene? How about the crucifix stabbing vagina / head spinning scene? The projectile puke? Damien's mother? "The power of Christ compels you"? Whatever the scene, they're all powerful and unmatched not only when it comes to moments in bed, but the entire horror genre. There will never, ever be another film like this folks. Have a good night.

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