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03.01.2006by: Jim Law

Top 10 Most Annoying Kids

Hollywood has done some wonderful things with kids in the past (STAND BY ME, THE GOONIES) but more often than not they act as a subliminal abortion clinic. The way I see it there should be three rules when including children in your script: 1) It's a movie made for children. Too many times do we get useless brats stealing time from the main plot and it's major characters. 2) The kid dies in order to set up a sweet-ass revenge scenario. This also works with dogs. 3) The kid's name is Short Round and his English is so bad we don't realize if we're laughing with him or at him. "Innnnndy!!!"

10. Kelly Curtis Malcolm - THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK (1997)

First of all, what's the fucking point to having a character with a middle name unless it somehow works into the storyline? The PARK trilogy has become as famous for it's annoying kid casting as it has for it's dinosaurs. Consider this wanker the T-Rex. I don't know if I've ever cringed harder in a theatre than the moment she decides to break out a gymnastics routine while her father (?) is getting chased by four Raptors. She literally does five or six incredibly useless uneven bar moves and then kicks the 400 pound bloodthirsty predator through a wooden wall. An entire movie about dinosaurs and this is the part I have the hardest time believing.

9. Dougie Whooly - SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER (2004)

I usually try to stay away from obscure films on lists like these but this little idiot was too hard to look past. Seriously, this is the dumbest movie character I have ever seen. Sad part is, the whole existence of the movie relies on this stupidity. Dougie dresses up as his favourite video game star and takes to the streets on Halloween. When he runs into a masked psychopath in the middle of a killing spree he decides to join him, thinking they're playing really cool jokes on people. The more people they kill, the dumber Dougie gets. It gets to a point by the end where you think this kid's brain is going to completely shut down and he's left in the middle of the street drooling in his lap.

8. Danny - ZATHURA (2005)

Firstly, I'd like to apologize to my big brother. If I was half the annoying little twat this kid was I would have beaten myself senseless on a weekly basis. At no point during the chaos of this film does Danny lose the ability to incoherently whine like a little bitch. You can't catch Danny. Suck it up. You started all this shit because you decided to play a hundred year old board game by yourself on the living room floor. Get some friends.

7. Tad Trenton - CUJO (1983)

Nice name. Imagine the casting call for this role. Kid after kid strolling into a small room, sitting down, and then being asked to scream non-stop for the better part of an hour. Do the makers of this film realize that the kid dies in the book? Who throws away that kind of opportunity? I'm willing to bet that 95% of this film's audience wanted the dog to eat this asshole anyway. I can't even write anymore - that picture above is giving me a headache.

6. Ray Boyd - JERRY MAGUIRE (1996)

Cute for about three seconds. Annoying for a lifetime. Who's kid acts like this? Randomly spewing out medical facts to complete strangers? Stealing scenes from Tom Cruise? The weird parts is that I don't think this kid actually had any lines written for him. I think he was just told to walk on set, flash some dimples, and try to effortlessly mix obnoxiousness with sweetness. He pulled it off nicely. I wanted to hug him and head butt him all at the same time.

5. John Conner - TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY (1991)

It's a rare occasion that you get a movie where every single character is perfect except one. You get Arnie's bad ass bodyguard from the future, the mother on a mission, possibly the coolest villain of all time, and John, the puberty challenged future of human existence. Every time his voice cracked I had flashbacks of my cheesy grade 9 moustache that I was afraid to shave. I can only imagine if I had to deal with saving the world at the same time.

4. Bob Boyle - THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY (1981)

Look at this kid. Bob.... what the fuck? To be fair, it's not even his fault he's on this list. It seems his Italian lines of dialogue were dubbed over by an adult woman - resulting in the most ridiculous sounding little bastard in the history of film. The hair doesn't help though, and neither does his complete disregard of the blood and carnage going around him since they moved into the new house. You see a head rolling down the stairs, get the hell out.

3. Michael Cutler - OVER THE TOP (1987)

I was 13 years old when I saw this film and wanted nothing more in life than to find this punk and beat the living shit out of him. Nobody talks to Stallone this way and lives to tell the story. Your dad is a truck driving professional arm wrestler named Lincoln Hawk - you should be worshipping him. This kid sports his military vest and talks shit about big muscles. The offer still stands by the way. I see you on the street Cutler, your ass is mine.

2. Anakin Skywalker - STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999)

This was back in the day when he was know as Ani the slave bitch. It's amazing how overlooked this brat is because of Jar Jar Binks. When it comes to disappointing the biggest collection of fanboys on the planet, Mini Darth does his part. He's probably the only alumni that has to worry about being beaten up at STAR WARS conventions. I don't care what George Lucas and his group of minions says - Darth Vader has never uttered the word "Yippee!"

1. Lindsey Kingston - ARE WE THERE YET? (2005)

The concept of this film is all screwed up in my opinion. Shouldn't we like the kids and have to warm up to the adult as time goes by? There isn't a single thing that makes this girl likable throughout this entire film. It gets so bad that when we realize her father left to go bang a new woman and start a different family, you can't help but point and laugh at the loser. Is her little sassy song and dance routine supposed to make me respect her skills? Is it wrong for me to hope Ice Cube remembers who the fuck he is half way through the movie and shoot her in the back of the skull? Maybe in the sequel.



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