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09.27.2004by: Jim Law

Top 10 Movie Assholes

Everyone has their favorite movie characters, whether it be Indiana Jones, Marty McFly, or Booger, but how many of you can make a list of the your most hated? I can. In fact, I just did. Read on to find out why each one of these assholes deserves to spend the rest of their fictional lives falling down a never-ending cement staircase. Nothing against these actors, in fact, they should be commended for making me despise them so much. Beware of some spoilers and occasional death rants.

10. STEFF - PRETTY IN PINK

If anyone in this movie had balls, Steff would have spent the rest of his spoiled life trying to find a sweater-vest to match the boot permanently lodged in his ass. Yeah Duckie, I'm talkin' to you! Not only does James Spader set a standard for portraying high-end, snobby pricks with this role, he made a career out of it. Don't believe me? Watch SEX LIES AND VIDEOTAPE, LESS THAN ZERO, SECRETARY, or even the last few episodes of The Practice (for which he just won an Emmy) and tell me you don't want to slap his annoying little smirk and droopy eyes to the other side of his head. Contributing Factors: Feathered hair, silver spoon.

9. DAVID KLEINFELD - CARLITO'S WAY

There's nothing like having a best friend kill somebody, make you help him get rid of the body, and then set you up to take the fall. Jeez, I get pissed when my buddies tell the Hooters waitress I'm married. It's heartbreaking to watch Pacino (in one of his most underrated roles and films) try to straighten his life up while this ass-munch continuously digs holes for him to fall in. Justice is sweet as Carlito throws his bullets in the garbage just as he bites it. Death rules! Contributing Factors: Sideshow Bob's hair, lawyer.

8. FRANK NITTI - THE UNTOUCHABLES

This guy has the type of face you'd like to repeatedly smash with the sliding door of a burning minivan. Other than that, I guess this selection is more of a personal grudge since Nitti ends up killing one of my favorite characters of all time in Sean Connery's Jim Malone and then rubs it in by telling Kevin Costner he squealed like a pig. I can think of a million ways I would have liked to see this prick die. Falling off the building was sweet but peanut butter covered testes and an insane pit-bull also would have done the trick. Contributing Factors: Plastic face, all white suit.

7. DREXL SPIVEY - TRUE ROMANCE

Let me get this straight, you're a Caucasian that acts like a drunk Rastafarian who likes to make white boy jokes in-between pimping some whores and selling drugs. You couldn't die quick enough. Look at this asshole, complete with dirty dreadlocks and cheesy porn stash. The scars tell me I'm not the only one who wanted to peel the flesh off his face with a spoon while poking him in the eye with a lit cigar. I think I went out as Drexl for Halloween one year and ended up beating my own ass. Word up home-boy. Contributing Factors: Giant bodyguard, got beat up by Christian Slater.

6. NURSE RATCHED - ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST

The only woman to make the list, this bitch is colder than a four week old corpse making snow angels. Is it just me or do you also find yourself screaming "Choke the bitch! Kill her, kill her dead!" when Jack finally gets hold of her neck at the end? One of the greatest villains of all time in an unconventional way. She needs two slaps with the emotional stick and a bonus dose of compassion. More blank stares here than a woman in a coma with no eyelids. Contributing Factors: Just let them watch the f'n baseball game already, lobotomy requests.

5. PIPPIN - LORD OF THE RINGS

If you're into that whole STAR WARS/LOTR comparison thing (i.e. Frodo is Luke, Strider is Han, Gandolph is Obi Wan, Sam is Leia), then there's no doubt this hairy little retard is Jar Jar Binks. If he's not almost killing an entire village of Hobbits with fireworks, he's doing his best at f*cking up all that the Fellowship hoped to accomplish by being stupid. Such as the time he knocks the skeleton down the well, alerting thousands of Orcs and a pissed off troll to their presence and eventually resulting in the death of Gandolph the Grey. Or maybe it's when he and his little buddy need Boromir to protect them as they turtle under a rock leading to a dozen or so arrows in his sternum. These two little shit disturbers weren't even supposed to be on this journey. Contributing Factors: Shorter than my ass crack, hairier than my ass crack.

4. PERCY WETMORE - THE GREEN MILE

A case can be made for hating Percy based on looks alone. Or maybe it's the fact that he purposely forgets to wet the sponges before Del's execution causing the poor bastard's head to catch fire. These are fine arguments indeed, but the reason I consider this little twat one of the five biggest assholes in the history of film - he killed Mr. Jangles. I know, I know, the mouse eventually gets a dose of energy from insect breath and ends up living longer than all mankind, but f*ck man! Why you gotta stomp on Jangles? All he did was make the Frenchman laugh with a couple circus tricks and eat cheese. I would've strapped this sick cock-sucker into the electric chair by his balls and taught the mouse how to throw the switch. Contributing Factors: Family connections, pissing himself.

3. ZED - PULP FICTION

Why? Ass rape, that's why. Screw THE VEGA BROTHERS, Tarantino should film a spin-off showing exactly what happened when Butch left Zed alone with Marcellus Wallace, his pliers, his blowtorch, and those "pipe-hittin' n***ers" he spoke so fondly of. He could call it THE MEDIEVAL TORTURE OF ZED FOR ILLEGALLY ENTERING MARCELLUS WALLACE'S SHITTER. Also, who the f*ck keeps a dude called The Gimp conveniently stored away in the basement wearing a leather body suit complete with zipper mask? If people like this really do exist they should have all of their sexual organs removed via enraged fire ants. Contributing Factors: Handy red ball harness, woman lips.

2. B-RAD - MALIBU'S MOST WANTED

I be hatin'. The funniest thing about this entry is the fact that I couldn't even sit through the entire movie due to a tremendous amount of self respect. So, if somewhere down the line this character turns out to be likable and somewhat cool, I'll never know. Maybe back when this sort of shtick was funny I.... wait, this shit was NEVER funny! Isn't the protagonist supposed to display likeable traits? Shouldn't I be pulling for this idiot to end up happily ever after instead of getting shot in the back of the head with seven different guns? If reality would have set in at any point during this crap-fest (especially when he yells the "N" word at an open-mic rap competition) we might of had a happy ending. That said, how does it end? Contributing Factors: Based on a reality TV character, bad Ebonics.

1. RUSSIAN ROULETTE GUY - THE DEER HUNTER

Never, in my socially challenged history of viewing films have I ever wanted a movie character to die more than this sadistic son of a whore. And I'm not the only one. Legend is that Robert De Niro's emotional rage had to be kept in check between scenes due to the realism of all the slapping and screaming. This will always be one of the most disturbing scenes in film history not only for it's horrific circumstances and incredible acting, but because of how close to the truth the scenario really is. If there's a more satisfying moment in cinematic history than Bobby shooting this f*cker in the face, I have yet to see it. Contributing Factors: Whatever the hell he keeps yelling, and me not understanding it.

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