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05.25.2007by: Jim Law

Top 10 Movie Characters I'd like to Fight

Let's be honest, Gogo (above) would kick my ass. As would a lot of the other heavies I've had a problem with over the years (Fred O'Bannon in DAZED AND CONFUSED, Ivan Drago in ROCKY IV, Ghidorah - The Three Headed Monster in GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH just to name a few) so I decided to stick to a list of characters that I am confident would be on the wrong side of a vicious beat-down when we squared off. The last thing I need is to talk shit and get my ass handed to me by Jar-Jar Binks. As always, strike back with who you'd have a run at below.

10. Dr. Janosz Poha - GHOSTBUSTERS II (1989)

There's something about little guys with accents that make me want to get my bitch-slap on. I realize the guy was possessed for the majority of the movie but even before he looked at that painting of Vigo the Carpathian he was creepy and annoying.

9. Ira Reder - SUICIDE KINGS (1997)

Speaking of annoying. How much smoother do you think this plan would have went if Ira (Johnny Galecki) wasn't around to act like a pussy every five seconds? The first time he squinted at me and whined I would have speed-bagged him unconscious. Is it just me or do these last two guys have the exact same hair?

8. Cosmo - BOOGIE NIGHTS (1997)

What the f*ck? I might be out of the loop so help me out. Do all drug lords have tiny Chinese men running around in Rick Springfield half-shirts and boxer shorts while randomly lighting off firecrackers while they do business? This is one of my favourite scenes of all time and John C. Reilly is absolutely brilliant in it but that still doesn't change the fact that I want to butcher Cosmo the Pyrotechnic Pool Boy and his bag of sexy-pops.

7. Stacy - AMERICAN HISTORY X (1998)

This is definitely my biggest challenge yet. I might try to take it easy at first but once that ferocious word-hole started dropping n-bombs and she threw on the white hood, she's fair game. I'd be scratched and bruised with an incredible headache by the end but only one of us is going to end up with their mother f*cking mouth on the curb.

6. Melvin Moody - MY BODYGUARD (1980)

If this is the best bully they can come up with at Lake View High I'd own this school. The bullies at my high school were giants that ate footballs at lunch and picked their teeth with freshmen. This pasty bastard couldn't terrorize an ant hill with his multicoloured wife beater and greased-up dome. And, his name is Melvin.

5. Malachai - CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)

Look at the size of this asshole's mouth. He might have some sort of power in a town where he's the only one to hit puberty and the religion is made up as they go along but this punk wouldn't last three seconds in my 'hood. My boot would meet his teeth so many times he'd pray for his "Corn God" to come devour him. That's some good hair though.

4. Warren - SMOKIN' ACES (2007)

If I could catch him - he'd be dead. There wouldn't even be enough time for him to pound back a Ritalin cocktail and apologize. There's nothing worse than an arrogant little brat running around with nunchaku and an erection. Nothing.

3. Carter Burke - ALIENS (1986)

After a quick sweep for wild and horny face-huggers, it's on. I'd work the body first, see if he'd like the feeling of his chest exploding, then find my way to that smug face of his and punch until his hair had nowhere to sit. Then I'd say "That was for Hudson." and walk away really cool like.

2. Timothy Upham - SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (1998)

You know why he has so many bullets around his neck? Because during one of the fiercest and criminally insane war battles ever put to film, he only shot once. The rest of the time was spent hiding behind makeshift bunkers and listening to his fellow soldier being stabbed in the heart. I'd let him bring the gun to our fight too. It's not like he has the balls to use it.

1. Sean Nokes - SLEEPERS (1996)

Hopefully he brings his guard buddies for backup because, once the blind rage sets in, I would tear through these sick sons-of-whores like a hurricane. Nothing left but a pulpy pile of blood and tears and a couple of night sticks. Anything to make children prison fun again.

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