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06.16.2010by: Jim Law

Top 10 Movie Characters that Didn't Really Exist

My three-year-old son frequently picks up the phone in my house and talks to Spider-Man. It's usually pretty short, some simple "Sup? Wanna come over and fight with swords?" type questions then hangs up and fires off the nearest wall at the speed of light. I never had any imaginary friends when I was little, they were too cool to hang out with me. Everybody on this list exists only in the minds of certain characters within the films. There's no ghosts (sorry Lloyd, in THE SHINING) or futuristic premonitions (sorry Frank the Bunny, from DONNIE DARKO), they're all just figments of some fucked up imaginations. Like my son's - a man who is also a spider? What the hell is that?


Honorable Mention: Elvis - TRUE ROMANCE

I put him so low because there is an argument to be made that this really is the ghost of Elvis. My only defense is that Clarence is kind of psychotic and I'm pretty sure Elvis would be too busy tapping the asses of recently deceased hotties for all of eternity.


I put him so low because he's annoying as shit. I can understand a child wanting to hang around with this spaz for a few years but what kind of issues do you have to have as an adult to bring this dude back into your life? Seriously, if this twat ever popped up in my head I'd fish him out with a spork.

9. Shooter - SECRET WINDOW

I hate this movie but there's no denying the creepy-coolness of John Turturro in that hat. If I ever do get an imaginary friend I hope he at least looks cool. I'm thinking fedora, Sam Elliot's mustache, Iron Man chest-plate, windbreaker pants, and a chainsaw hand.

8. Parcher - A Beautiful Mind

You gotta love the rationale of this dude. Nash leaves his infant son alone in a bathtub full of water to go crunch some numbers for him in a shed. Nash's wife barely saves the kid from drowning and proceeds to bitch him out for ten minutes until Parcher pops up and tells Nash to shoot her. That, schmoes, is what imaginary friends are for, and probably why the US prison system is at capacity.

7. Marshall - MR. BROOKS

I wonder if Dexter's life would be so chaotic if he had himself an imaginary alter-ego. Someone to worry about the little shit while he went about his killing sprees. Brooks seems to have that shit down to a tee. Discuss how to kill the next douche on your list, make sure you don't leave any evidence, exchange a few jokes, and then stop for a beer in Crazy Town, where everybody knows your name.


There's a whole cast of fake characters to choose from in this film but I picked Ed because he's the only one with some common sense and without a hidden agenda. The only thing I would have done different if I was him would be to shoot the kid in the face as soon as he showed up. And then acted like I knew it was him all along.

5. Penguin - BILLY MADISON

Now this is what I'm talking about. Why can't all delusions be giant, fuzzy, and adorable? It doesn't talk shit, doesn't encourage you to commit murder, and sure as hell is no threat to your well being (other than the fact that you have to be absolutely shit-faced drunk to see him). Consider me Team Penguin.


I think we all need someone like Ivan to show up when we do unforgivable shit and forget about it. Like the time I pooped myself at a Cheech & Chong double header. I would have never remember about that day if Sanchez, the feces-faced man, didn't haunt my dreams years later and made me confess.

3. Harvey - Harvey

It's like an ancient WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? The only difference is that Elwood is the only one who can see Harvey, also known as a pooka, in this film. And there's no animated hotties I want to bang. Look, you start seeing things called pookas and you need to check yourself into the Wack-Job Inn. Some people say Harvey was real. I'm not one of them, because this shit is fucking stupid. Not the movie, just the pooka.

2. The Creature - MARTYRS

The day I start seeing that crazy bitch chasing me around the house is the day I repeatedly stab myself in the brain with a steak knife. Seriously, what the fuck has to be wrong with you to see shit like this? Me no want.

1. Tyler Durden - FIGHT CLUB

It pains me to be so predictable here but sometimes you gotta sit back and give-way to a legend. If my split personality was half as cool as Tyler I would have rolled my mini-van into a ditch by now and and spent my weekends punching cops in the face instead of going to the movies by myself and sleeping with my laptop. As it were, I still suck.



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