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09.05.2007by: Jim Law

Top 10 Movie Cheerleaders

In no way am I qualified to judge Cheerleaders. I wouldn't know a cradle catch from a basket toss if you paid me (I just Googled "cheerleading lingo"). Cheerleaders and I have a very simple relationship - they cheer when something good happens and I look at their bums when they get thrown in the air. Movie cheerleaders are even better. Due to a wonderful trend in Hollywood called type-casting there's a chance we'll get to see very hot actresses have sex and/or die a horrible death as long as they've pushed a couple pom-poms around at some point during the film. Please feel free to add your own human pyramid fantasies below.

10. Annabelle Farrell - THE REPLACEMENTS (2000)

If this film didn't have a group of the hottest cheerleaders ever, I would have literally forgot I ever saw it. That image above of Brooke Langton burned itself into my brain though and the fact that the rest of the squad are all former strippers and spend most of their fight songs slapping each other on the ass and rubbing their nipples doesn't hurt things either. Anyways, Gene Hackman is in this. Who knew?

9. Megan Bloomfield - BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER (1999)

A true inspiration to anyone that doesn't know which way their ball bounces yet. Megan (Natasha Lyonne) does exactly what I would do if I was running around with young, hot, and flexible girls in skirts - get confused and horny. Being a lesbian is nothing to be ashamed of ladies. I'd be one myself if I didn't have this penis. Why do these articles always lead back to my penis?

8. Priscilla - NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE (2001)

Before Jamie Pressly became famous as stupid white-trash on 'My Name is Earl' she had the shtick down pat in movies like this and JOE DIRT and RINGMASTER and POOR WHITE TRASH and pretty much any other movie that prominently featured a trailer park and slutty-hot-dumb girls.

7. Missy Pantone - BRING IT ON (2000)

I'm now two weeks into my 'Buffy the Vampire' marathon at work and was surprised at how badly the show sucked balls until Eliza Dushku showed up. It's like everyone got hotter and storylines got wickedly darker as soon as she walked on screen. Same can be said for BRING IT ON I guess, as long as you replace murdering the undead with really bitchin' power cheers. Lesson learned - everything is better with some Dushku.

6. Samantha Belmont - NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

I love remembering shit like this when I start one of these lists. Sometimes I'll struggle to get nine other entries just because I want to include characters like Samantha (Kelli Maroney) in an article. And sometimes, during research, you come across brilliant web sites like this and realize there's an army of people out there that love the same type of random and obscure shit as you. Cheerleading zombie slayers - what the hell is better than that?

5. Buffy Summers - BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (1992)

Before Buffy took the form of Sarah Michelle Gellar and lived in your picture boxes at home, she graced the big screen with Valley Girl like tendencies and really cheesy dialogue. Her real name was Kristy Swanson and Good God, was she hot. Back in the day, if you were to tell me this would spin off into an insanely popular long-time running television series I would have slapped you. I then would have asked you to repeat yourself because I wasn't listening.

4. Isis - BRING IT ON (2000)

Isis (Gabrielle Union) reminds me of the cheerleaders when my high school basketball team would go play in downtown Detroit. They were so good we didn't even want to play, convinced that everything they cheered about was fact. "You're so lame cause you got no game!" Well f*ck me. Let's go home. To this day, I've never seen asses shake like that without having a $9 beer in my hand.

3. Andy Carmichael - THE GOONIES (1985)

We don't really know how good Andy (Kerri Green) actually was as a cheerleader but c'mon, she was a Goonie. That right there will rocket you to the top of any list. I tried starting a group similar to the Goonies when I was a kid. We were called Zoomies and went searching for missing pets throughout the neighbourhood. It was just me really and road kill was considered treasure.

2. Angela Hayes - AMERICAN BEAUTY (1999)

Imagine the hottest girl on your daughter's cheerleading squad sleeps over and gets nude for you. Now imagine going to prison because your a f*cking pedophile. This is fun. Now imagine I don't know how to end this paragraph without feeling uncomfortably creepy and old.

1. Darcy Sears - VARSITY BLUES (1999)

That's what cheerleading is all about. Watch the game, scream your ass off every time something even remotely goes good, shower up, get the quarterback in your living room, cover your pink parts with whipped cream and start the party. This shit is in the handbook ladies, read it. It's scenes like this that immediately get you sent to the Hottie Hall of Fame.



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