Top 10 Movie Jail Prisoners
A few weeks ago the great Chris Bumbray stopped by the JoBlo Movie Podcast to enlighten us with his vast theatrical adventures and, as things usually do, the conversation turned into random drunk debauchery. In the midst of that mess Chris brought up the concept of Movie Jail, a place to put repeat offenders of cinematic trash. Me likey, so I started my own little Movie Jail (with the power of my mind!) and have decided to unleash the first class of felons on this here Ten Spot - where I can get paid for it.
There was a time not too long ago that Nic might have come in at the top of this list. His turns in KICK ASS and BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF BAD MOVIE NAMES granted him his freedom for now. His cell is being left vacant until I get to see DRIVE ANGRY.
For the better part of the last 8 years Myers has done nothing but lend his voice to SHREK (a job he won by default), THE CAT IN THE HAT, THE LOVE GURU, and one Tarantino movie where he played a slightly tamed down drunk version of Austin Powers. It's fucking weird, so I'm locking him up for a while.
There's some unnatural breeding rituals going on in this family that need to be stopped. You don't see any of these guys for two or three years and then, all of a sudden, they pop up in another spoof movie and there's four more fully grown Wayonseses that you never even heard of before. That shit is illegal.
He can avoid all this by doing three things. 1) Change his name back to The Rock. 2) Get his soul back from Disney. 3) Start punching people again. A lot of people. However, if I even hear of a rumor about THE TOOTH FAIRY 2 he will be sentenced to death.
Only if she has enough time out of real jail. She doesn't even have to change her handcuffs. I might even make room for her mom and dad in her cell too, see who can build the fastest shank and get out alive. And then kill them for trying to escape. Movie Jail is crooked as fuck, yo.
I've given up hope that the old Eddie Murphy will ever come back to us so it's time to wipe him off the planet via long-term incarceration. To make matter worse I will demand he serve his time while wearing a Gumby costume, fill his cell block with sexy transvestite hookers, and hook up a live feed to TMZ.
It's because of her this whole idea came up so I had to include her. If PASSION PLAY is as bad as Bumbray says it is she's going to have a red carpet arrival that will lead directly to the electric chair. She'll look really hot though.
Nobody will ever take away what you gave the world of cinema but holy mother of fuck, sir, your greed has become an embarrassment. I need to see THE PHANTOM MENACE in 3D as much as I need a furious swarm of scorpions attack my ball-sack. How much money do you need? Seriously, take your cash, go buy an island in the middle of nowhere, and retire. And take your Clone Wars bullshit with you.
I'd like to make a human centipede out of Heigl, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Lopez and see how much luck they have with their next three pandering romantic comedy bullshit films. If anybody can turn an ass-to-mouth bus into a generic bore-fest, it's these three. Stop it.
I almost didn't include this douche because I'm simply tired of looking at his fucking face. He surprised the hell out of me earlier this year with RAMPAGE but that doesn't change the fact that, as Warden, I would start every day by viewing HOUSE OF THE DEAD and then visiting his cell to carry out a brand new form of punishment I like to call Chinese Vomit Torture. Is fun.
Nobody on the planet makes worse films than these two ass-hats. Anybody that has ever supported them, encouraged them, smiled in their general direction, or simply poured them a fucking coffee should be ashamed of themselves. Movie Jail just made the world a better place.