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07.05.2007by: Jim Law

Top 10 Movie Truck Drivers

Living in a little city that harbours one half of the busiest international border crossing in North America allows me to deal with tractor-trailers on a daily basis. I hate them. I hate being behind them, I hate trying to pass them, I hate their stupid f*cking horns, mud-flaps with cartoon characters, stickers cut to look like teeth on their grills, and the lost tires they leave in the middle of the highway every hundred feet or so that have seemed to explode off their rims without much notice from the driver. What about said driver though? I never really see them there, sitting high upon their steel throne. Do they hate me too? Let's go to Hollywoodland and find out more about these sons-a-bitches and their instruments of death. Hollywoodland never lies.

Bonus Entry: The T-1000 - TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY (1991)

Not really a truck driver by trade, the T-1000 had to be included here for basically being the greatest (stupidest) driver in the history of film. Without a conscious he drives through the city streets intent on killing little John Conner (Edward Furlong) and his dirt-bike. As graceful as a 90 year old, piss-drunk blind man behind the wheel, T ends up destroying ten blocks of sidewalk businesses, hopping a bridge, losing his roof to an overpass, and crashing head on with a concrete pillar. I'm pretty sure he taught at the driver school for most of the twats around here.

10. Martin Rubber Duck Penwald - CONVOY (1978)

Rubber Duck (Kris Kristofferson) enjoys three things in life - beating on cops, driving his truck, and getting some ass. So, after he beats on a cop (Ernest Borgnine), he gets in his truck and picks up some ass (Ali MacGraw). Convenient, yes? Soon, other crazy trucks and their drivers join the party to form a mile long stretch of beards and blue-jeans all just waiting for a glimpse of MacGraw's short-shorts and Kris' form fitting wife-beater.

9. Rusty Nail - JOYRIDE (2001)

Around the same time Paul Walker was remaking POINT BREAK in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS he was none-too-subtly re-imagining Steven Spielberg's DUEL by pissing off the wrong driver with his nutty brother (Steve Zahn) and the kinda hot, Venna (Leelee Sobieski). With the voice of Buffalo Bill and the sense of humour of Sean Penn, Rusty uses his CB radio and really bright headlights to scare the shit out of everyone for the better part of two hours.

8. Pat Quid - ROADGAMES (1981)

Kind of a REAR WINDOW on wheels, Quid (Stacy Keach) gets a little bored while delivering meat so he picks up a hot little hitchhiker (Jamie Lee Curtis) and they exchange murder theories about a mysterious green van that seems to pop up everywhere they go. Before I go any further, that is one sweeeeet moustachio on P-Quid. Dump the meat and have somebody paint "Moustache Rides - $10" on the side of your trailer and you got yourself a career broham.

7. Cledus Snowman Snow - SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT (1977)

When you accept a challenge to deliver a shipment of beer from Texas to Georgia within 28 hours you better have more than a speedy Trans-Am and the greatest moustache known to man. That's where Snowman comes in handy. He'll get your shitty beer, work some magic on his trusty CB, drive circles around any and all law enforcement, and watch as The Bandit (Burt Reynolds) humps a runaway bride with the top down. All guts, no glory for the Snowman.

6. Frost - FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996)

All Frost (Fred Williamson) wanted was a beer, his dominos, and a view of the stage after a long day of driving. What he got was a pair of psychotic brothers, a bar full of bloodthirsty waitresses, and a bite on the neck from a biker named Sex Machine (Tom Savini). And in case you were wondering, if you ever become a vampire - kiss your moustache good-bye.

5. Lincoln Hawk - OVER THE TOP (1987)

The guy works out while driving his truck. How awesome is that? I'm pretty sure I would watch this movie once a week if it wasn't for his retarded whore of a son. The ending I always envision has Hawk putting his hat on backwards in the parking lot after the championship and kicking the ever-living shit out of his kid with the trophy. The last line is something like, "Believe in me now bitch?"

4. Mad Max Rockatansky - THE ROAD WARRIOR (1981)

I realize he's actually a post-apocalyptic police officer but for this movie and a chance at freedom, he's a truck driver. This is no normal truck either, upgraded with all the latest instruments of torture and locked down from top to bottom with spiked turrets and barbed wire. Throw in that crazy boomerang kid and a trusty shotgun and you got yourself the ultimate party bus.

3. The Truck Driver - DUEL (1971)

Road rage much? Supporting my theory that all truck drivers are sadistic lunatics looking to kill everyone around them, DUEL tells the heart warming story of a man and the driver he passed who's now trying to kill him. This film is why I pass trucks going 130 mph and don't slow down until my engine light comes on. The last thing I need is some f*cker delivering cows to lose his mind and follow me into a rest stop with a cattle prod.

2. Large Marge - PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE (1985)

When you're 11 years old going into a Pee Wee Herman movie, the last thing you expect is to have the shit scared out of you. Leave it to Large Marge and her transforming Play-Doh head to do just that. As if the story she was telling wasn't creepy enough. This scene is the reason I have never hitchhiked in my life and partly the reason I don't like old women.

1. Jack Burton - BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986)

The guy is a hero. Who else could drive his truck into the middle of Chinatown, do battle with a thousand year old Chinese sorcerer and all the henchmen that come along, rescue his buddy's green-eyed hottie, and bag one for himself? Jack Burton did it, and in the end, all he really cared about was his truck. So it looks like there is some good in the driver seats of you eighteen wheeled pigs. I'll try to remember that the next time you crack my windshield with the dead carcass of whatever you just purposely obliterated on the side of the road. Stay to the right f*ckers.

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