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11.01.2004by: Jim Law

Top 10 Movies Made Better With Zombies

It's Halloween weekend. Time to shut off all the lights, close all the doors, do my best to ignore all the little bastards hammering on my doorbell for free shit, and start the marathon. I'll usually start with The Shape, dip into some Freddy, treat myself to a hearty dose of Pazuzu, and round things out with a handful of the undead. You can never have enough zombies this time of year which is why I've made this list. Truth be told, every movie would be better with some walking dead, these are just my favorites. As idiotic and ridiculous this list is, you can't imagine the amount of free time one needs to think of this shit. Happy Halloween Schmoes and may all your dreams be nightmares.

10. Stand By Me (1986)

"...by the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore." Teddy Duchamp (Corey Feldman) Same heartwarming journey. Same Corey Feldman meltdowns. Same leech on the nads. Same fat Jerry O'Connell. The only difference about this version is the end - when the lifeless body of Ray Brower stands up and starts eating everybody. As Gordie (Will Wheaton) holds Ace (Kiefer Sithurland) and his band of thugs at gunpoint and delivers his climatic speech about why nobody is cashing in on the the boy's death, the body slowly rises in the background, stumbles over and takes a chunk out of his unusually long neck. One by one, the kids perish until Chris (River Phoenix) calmly lights a cigarette and puts a bullet in it's head. "Skin it bitch." Role credits.

9. The Big Chill (1983)

When a self-absorbed group of friends reunite to mourn the passing of their friend, Alex, old feelings are revisited and good times are reinvented. Thing is, Alex isn't all the way dead yet and he's pissed they didn't invite him to the party. So he eats them. The best part about this new arc is the starring role of Kevin Costner who originally played the body of Alex. The film already has all the qualities of a classic horror film; sex, drugs, spontaneous sing-alongs, Jeff Goldblum. Just add a little blood and gore to drown out some of the painful dialogue and we could have something worth watching again.

8. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966)

Is there any better setting for the uprising of hordes of gun-slinging un-dead than the enormous cemetery at the end of this film? No, there isn't. Hang on the edge of your seat as Clint not only has to deal with Bad and Ugly, but a gigantic posse of flesh craving cowboys sporting spurs and ass-less chaps. Throw in a couple zombie horses and we got ourselves the ultimate showdown.

7. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

It's turning out to be the genre's greatest debate. The slow moving old school zombies driven by habit and the desire of warm flesh vs. the new and improved zombies that somehow become athletically superior in death. The things in this movie aren't zombies people, they're more like hyperactive, world class, track and field athletes that woke up and treated themselves to a giant bowl of cocaine and coffee for breakfast. I'm old school, all the way. And why the f*ck don't zombies eat dogs? Who made up this rule? Strict diets and ninja-like agility aside, I actually enjoyed the new spin on the story but when it comes to zombie films, nothing will ever touch the original. Nothing.

6. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Who knew a movie about detention would be so great. And who's to say including a sub-plot about the rest of the student population perishing in a freak pep-rally accident, then returning from the afterlife to hunt down and consume the Brat Pack wouldn't make it that much better? In the ultimate test of discipline and survival, the kids must try to keep the noise down under the watchful eye of Principal Vernon while defending themselves from the horrific desires of blood and brains of their classmates. Anthony Michael Hall's finest hour as he finally gets to put that flare gun to use.

5. Saving Private Ryan (1998)

As shitty a job it was finding this flake in the heart of World War II, can you imagine if all the casualties refused to stay dead due to some top secret government gas bombs. Not even Forrest Gump and his band of brothers would be able to deal with killing an entire military force twice. The new version includes a climatic battle with Hitler Zombie! Why hasn't anyone thought of this before? New ending; "Private Ryan, all your brothers are zombies....and they ate your mom. Just thought you should know, see ya."

4. Yentl (1983)

Do I really need to explain why over two hours of Barbra Striesand being ripped apart and shit out would make this a better film? It would, trust me.

3. Army of Darkness (1993)

I guess this would be more of a continuation / crossover / geeky wet dream, but whatever. When Ash butchers the words he needs to read in order to get back to his own world, he ends up teleporting to the mall in the original DAWN OF THE DEAD, at the exact moment the biker gang busts in and f*cks everything up. Can you imagine the absolute carnage and genius involved with this scene? Especially when Ash finds his way to the hardware store and starts attaching Dewalt's entire line of power tools to his arm.

2. Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

In a twist that might actually make sense and probably deliver a better movie, Jason and Freddy meet up in Hell and start comparing notes as to who's the biggest bad-ass. Things start to get squirrelly when they learn that they're role in the afterlife is to do battle with every single soul they've ever killed. It's the ultimate role reversal as these two evil sons-a-bitches must join forces in order to survive their own living dead. And you could get Johnny Depp and Kevin Bacon, both original kills (and yes, I realize Jason's mom killed Bacon, relax), to headline.

1. Titanic (1997)

A week before the iceberg incident, a top secret cargo ship went down in the exact same spot, spilling it's entire supply of government funded re-animation liquid. As a result, the whole last act of the film features all the snobby women and children (and that pussy Billy Zane) fighting off hundreds of floating corpses. That is, until the sharks show up and we're treated to an epic battle royal of zombies vs. sharks where everyone is eating everyone. This ends up being the greatest scene in the history of film and really makes Rose (Kate Winslet) regret not moving her fat ass over to make room for Jack (Leo) on that huge floating door....because he comes back and eats her face.

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