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11.12.2008by: Jim Law

Top 10 Movies that Would Make Good TV Shows

I was watching that new 'Crash' TV spin-off the other day and came really close to killing myself. Of all the movies out there primed for a small screen life, this is the one they thought would work? I took one look over at my DVD shelf, came up with this list, carved it into a brick, and threw it through my television just as Dennis Hopper was embarrassing himself with another ridiculous monologue. I loaded up the first season of 'Friday Night Lights' and basked in the way it's supposed to be (I wish Kyle Chandler was my coach, dad, best friend, and hetero-life-partner). With all the TV shows making the leap to the big screen lately I thought it would only be fair to reverse the trend. 'The Sheild' ends in three weeks, 'Battlestar Galactica' is wrapping up early next year, the writers of 'Heroes' couldn't hide the fact that they're punch drunk and got fired, and 'Dexter' is becoming a pussy. What better time to invade pilot season with a slew of unoriginal concepts that already have fanbases and character names? If any of these happen before I die somebody owes my ass some money.

10. THE CANNONBALL RUN

A bunch of idiots enter an illegal cross-country race to get rich. 'Drive' kind of used this concept last year but decided to fill it with mystery and drama and failed on every level. Keep it fun, throw in a lot of hot women, Asians, and bad ass cars and you've got yourself a hit. Every season you can bring back the popular characters, ditch the duds, and introduce new idiots. My only stipulation with this show would have to be the inclusion of Captain Chaos in every episode. Never has there been a character so fantastically stupid.

9. FALLEN

As great as this overlooked film is, the potential for a series is endless. The demon, Azazel, possesses people by simply touching them while in a host body. Shoot him dead and he simply floats around until another host comes along. All this while holding down a part time job as a serial killer and personal tormenter. The main villain has no face, he can be played by as many different actors as you need in any given episode. The protagonist only needs to have some serious trust issues and a itchy trigger finger to make this thing interesting enough.

8. DAWN OF THE DEAD

I'm not really limiting the concept to just DAWN as much as I'm simply wishing for a serious stab at a weekly zombie drama. An even better example would be 'The Walking Dead', the long running comic book from Robert Kirkman and Image Comics. Give me a group of quirky survivors, a zombie apocalypse, and plenty of death and we got ourselves a hit. If 'True Blood' has taught me anything it's that I'm done with vampires being the popular pick of the undead. Enough with the brooding, give me some brain gnawing and boomsticks.

7. OLD SCHOOL

I've tried to spread out the genres as much as possible. This would be the half-hour comedy entry that hopefully gets picked up by HBO so there's an abundance of nudity. I've always loved the concept of this film, so much so that I try to get a frat house started every week in my basement. So far it's me and my two sons and all we do is watch ELMO IN GROUCHLAND over and over until my eyes bleed. My wife comes down sometimes and I throw her in a tub of K-Y Jelly and tell her to wrestle herself.

6. THE BOONDOCK SAINTS

There's a lot of evil left in Boston. Some of these folk will probably be dealt with in the sequel that's shooting right now, but even then, there's a lot of evil left in Boston. For instance, somebody needs to kill the Celtics. You can't suck for that long, sign a free agent, make one trade, and then win a championship. You have enough of them you greedy bastards! Veritas Aequitas, bitches.

5. THE WARRIORS

Looking for a gritty character driven drama set in the slums of the seventies with lots of fighting, hookers, and afros? Me too. I know The Warriors cleared their name at the end of the film but that doesn't mean all those gangs whose heads they kicked in along the way back to Coney Island are cool with it. Bring in some new recruits, kill off the weak members, and bring on all the other gangs, old and new, and we got ourselves an Emmy whore.

4. BLADE RUNNER

I'm pretty sure there's a ton of replicants left to hunt down on Earth in the future. All we need is to find one a week with a continuous back story that leads to a surprising yet satisfying season ending cliff-hanger. Not too much to ask is it? Maybe instead of releasing five versions of the same movie (like they did last year in one set) we could get some new stories. In 1999 there was a show called 'Total Recall 2070' which was supposed to be a sequel of sorts to this film and TOTAL RECALL, another film based on the work of Phillip K. Dick. It doesn't count because I never saw it. That's how I roll.

3. THE MATRIX

You think there might be a couple stories left to tell here? It absolutely blows my mind that there hasn't been any sort of TV spin-off of these movies. If 'Battlestar Galactica' has to go, leaving behind a legendary record of science fiction perfection, somebody has to step up and fill the void. Who better than the merry people of Zion and those wacky Agents? Prequel, sequel, it doesn't matter - chances are I won't know what the hell is going on anyway. I like the pretty green colors though.

2. UNBREAKABLE

I know M. Night desperately wants (needs) to revisit this story but I've honestly lost all faith in the man whom I used to declare my favourite director. Bring this bitch to the small screen and let's see David Dunn start rocking his super powers like a pimp. Who doesn't want to see what Mr. Glass has in store for his archenemy now that he's found him? What kind of evil posse did he form while in nuthouse? Was his straitjacket purple? Somebody pull the plug on 'Heroes' before it implodes, wait a couple years for the dust to clear, and bring on the super slicker.

1. BATTLE ROYALE

It's like 'Survivor' with better acting and more murders. I'm pretty sure nobody in North America would greenlight a show about kids killing each other but a man can dream. Every season brings a new class to the program. Kill your classmates or be killed, it's a fairly simple plot and one that can be strung out for any number of episodes. There's a cast of characters that everybody will be able to relate to, gratuitous violence, school-girl outfits, and a truly awesome arsenal of death toys. No hosts, no friends, no commercials. Is this too much to ask?

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