Top 10 Nic Cage Hairstyles
Ed. note: Filling in for Jim Law as guest Ten Spotter this week is JoBlo.com staff writer Zara Brumana.
Nicolas Cage, whether sporting one of many ridiculous wigs or mismanaging the hair that was giveth and then taketh away has entertained us for years and left us all wondering... what's his head going to look like next? The continuation into the shearly inspiration saga of Nicolas Cage hairstyles grows on.
This has less to do with what he was sporting on his head and more with what he was sporting on his face, namely that druncle 'stache. (Translation for those who aren't from dysfunctional families: "Drunken Uncle Mustache.") Some believe that Cage was able to grow that number on his own. I swear that it's the residual snail trail from his brief marriage to Lisa Marie Presley. Only Oliver Stone was close enough to smell for sure.
I get into arguments with the 5 other people that I know who have watched this underrated Cage flick. Not over the lovely (and entirely believable) hairpiece that Nic's weatherman character sports, but the fact that this was not a FALLING DOWN knock-off. Only Cage would have gotten to screw that a chick while dressed up like Lincoln. Hair or no hair, the man scores in quantity if not Douglas' quality.
Charlie Kaufman or Donald Kaufman? Really twins or just a psychological manifestation of one's inner deranged child? On one hand or the other, you're still left with Cage in a threadbare wig which resembled the mess of a mop that one dude in the informercials wearing those hideous sweaters sports. There were a lot of words in that last sentence and you can buy them all for 3 easy payments of $19.95 and one difficult payment made in Wampum and sealed with LTBA.
I can't be sure which is more amazing in this movie. That the JOHNNY SUEDE hairstyle was actually constructed of the then 22 year-old Cage's real hair or that it makes me remember a time when Kathleen Turner could rival the best of the MILFs out on the market. (To be fair, SUEDE came out 5 years after PEGGY SUE and Kathleen Turner still... uh... has a great voice.)
I think back to Cage's turn as Cameron Poe and aside from wondering why so many of the questions in the movie application on Facebook are dedicated to him, want to give this a "ICanHasCheezburger" caption of: "Mullet, you're doing it wrong." Billy Ray might have been able to keep his daughter out of family business if he'd picked up consultation duckets for this film, but I hear West saved the dough in order to afford Rachel Ticotin's audacious salary.
Sometime in 1987, something seriously went wrong with Cage's follicles. Barely 23 and already his hair was staging a revolt, forcing the film's makers into smashing down his 'do and giving it the Wolvie Berserk treatment. But I can't really criticize the guy for his hairstyle in the film, he was already missing a hand and having to f*ck Cher for the money, things can't get much worse than that? Or can they...?
Here's where the list starts getting a little more personal for me. Is there really anything all that special to the askew floppy strands that Cage's Sailor Ripley greases down in Lynch's Shakespearean-esque tragedy? Naw. But with that jacket and the "Georgia Asphalt" snarl, he could make NATIONAL TREASURE PART XXII and I'd still have something to look back on in a time of panty-moistening need.
Living with a man who has over 7,500 comic books in his collection has gotten me trapped in never-ending discussions about this movie. Was there anything particularly bad about GHOST RIDER? Conversely, was there anything particularly good? Hell, even the rug Cage sports has been talked about for longer than I dare to mention. It almost looks real, he says. Which, the matted Schnauzer version or the flaming skull version? I counter. We at least agree on the fact that both versions are better than...
... the diabolically bad decision to turn Cage into a combination of one part Ed Harris in POLLOCK and one part Javier Bardem ala Anton Chigurh in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. It was cringe worthy enough that Barden channeled Dorothy Hamil, at least the poor sucker won an Oscar for it. Still, it's another instance proving Cage's p*ssy cred, as he bags Jessica Biel at her hottest.
Neither Ozzie nor Harriet would have approved of H.I.'s antics in this Coen Brothers' early cult phenom, but I most definitely approve of the cockeyed slant of Cage's long-gone natural fibers, JimmyO-worthy mutton chops and classic bugger 'stache. There's hair and there's hair and never the twain shall meet again in quite the way Cage pulled off back in the day.
The breasts might have been a dead give-away, but I'm a girl and while I can snicker behind the backs of the best of them, I'm still saddled with the weakness of selecting number ones based on my biological need to breed. Back whenst I was but a young pup, I managed to catch VALLEY GIRL on the forbidden HBO right as Cage came strolling across the sand, all chest hair and cockiness. Locked in that moment in time is where Cage remains in my heart.