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06.18.2008by: Jim Law

Top 10 Offscreen Moments I Wish We Could've Seen

Sometimes there's just not enough time to show us everything. A lot of important moments in movie history have happened off-screen and, for the most part, I'm good with that. Super secret surprise twists benefit from it, mystery killers stay hidden from the audience, gruesome deaths are reduced to squishy sounds and blood splatters. Sometimes though, I want to see what happened. Not just to explain plot holes but to maybe add depth to a character or to sit in on a well deserved beating. Maybe, I could even get to see some private booby moments. I'm not picky.

Honorable Mention - Athena's Porno - THE GIRL NEXT DOOR (2004)

Just the idea that there's a porn movie that stars Elisha Cuthbert is kind of life-altering for me. Imagine they actually shot this for the DVD? "SPECIAL FEATURES: KUNG-FU COCK CHOP - Full Length adult film featuring Elisha Cuthbert and Steven St. Croix slamming their groins together while training in the arts of the Orient, as seen in the film." Good Lord, sign me up.

10. Bogs' Beatdown - THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994)

Hadley (Clancy Brown) is such a puzzling character. You hate him right off the hop, then he buys the boys some beers, and delivers this justice-via-baton to Bogs after he rapes Andy one too many times and you love him, then he kills Tommy and you hate him again. Either way, I needed to see this. There should actually be a reality show on the subject - men who rape men in prison get beaten to within an inch of their lives, lose their ability to walk, and live out the rest of their lives drinking food from a straw.

9. The Younglings - REVENGE OF THE SITH (2005)

I have a few points to make here before you think I enjoy watching children die. 1) No scene would better display Anakin's transformation to the dark side. 2) I bet these little whipper-snappers put up a decent fight. Imagine a room full of mini-Jedi fighting Darth Vader. Cool, no? 3) If these kids already took the Obi-Wan class of dying they'll just disappear when struck down. No blood, no screams, no puberty.

8. Wrong Number - E.T. (1982)

I just want to know what the hell happened that night. We left Elliot and E.T. chilling in the woods with the world's biggest homemade cell phone and some tasty Halloween treats. Come morning, Elliot jets and leaves E-to-the-T looking like he spent the night with a trunk full of cocaine, Lindsay Lohan, and a strap-on. At what point during the night does the kid lose a five-foot alien? What is he all pink about? Who brought the moonshine? So many questions, so little extra footage.

7. Silent Death - NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (2007)

Two hours of incredibly tense moments as Moss (Josh Brolin) avoids the creepy stalking of Anton (Javier Bardem) and his trusty bolt pistol and then his death at the hands of a truck-load of crazy Mexicans is edited out? I wanted to see this shoot-out bad. Did the drunk bitch at the pool just get caught in the crossfire or was she packing under the beach towel? Did Moss put up a good fight or did he get capped fresh off the shitter? Where's the f*cking money? God dammit, I feel retarded sometimes.

6. Ding, Ding - ROCKY III (1982)

Above is the final frame of ROCKY III. We get teased with Sly's abnormally hairless and shiny muscles along with Apollo's mack-tastic chest-fro and all we get is a freeze frame. This is the rematch we all wanted. An hour and a half of montages and warm-ups with Mr. T was all foreplay to this moment. To be honest, I love the way this movie ended. I just wanted to see them knock each other out again with nobody there to count them out.

5. Julie Dwyer's Funeral - CLERKS (1994)

I know this scene exists in comic book form and there's a cartoon version included on the CLERKS X DVD but I would have really loved to see it in the flesh in order to experience it's full hilarity. Imagine Dante (Brian O'Halloran) digging around in the underpants of a dead woman, searching for his keys, and you'll understand. One of the most talked about events in the View Askewniverse might be better left off-screen but when it comes to seeing Jeff Anderson in full Randal mode I tend to get greedy.

4. Her Pretty Little Head - SE7EN (1995)

This one is a little difficult to explain since SE7EN is my second favorite movie of all time. In no way would I want this film altered and yet I would love to see a little bit more from John Doe (Kevin Spacey). Seeing how he got close enough to Tracey (Gwyneth Paltrow) to cut off her head (through flashback, of course, not disturb the intensity of the final scene) would add enough depth to his character that I could imagine how he did it the other six times.

3. Whaaaaa? - PLANET OF THE APES (2001)

This is what happens when you plan for a sequel before your film even comes out. Tim Burton always said the mystery surrounding the ending of this film was to be answered in part two, and then failed to make it. I've read a half dozen explanations as to how Thade becomes the ruler of Earth but none of them leave me satisfied. In fact, I have yet to meet a monkey who has left me satisfied. Stupid monkeys.

2. The Power of Christ - THE EXORCIST (1973)

When we leave Father Merrin (Max von Sydow)alone in the room with Regan (Linda Blair) she's tied to the bed and he's reading from the Bible. When we re-join the action she's sitting on the corner of the bed being shy-yet-evil and he's dead. All evidence points to an un-timely heart attack but I like to imagine Pazuzu hulked-out and delivered one of the most silent ass whoopings ever and ended it via guillotine choke with 2 minutes left in the exorcism. I guess we'll never know.

1(b). The Heist - RESERVOIR DOGS (1992)

This wasn't originally on the list (hence the ass-saving (b) in the title). I thought seeing the jewelry heist would take away from the originality of the film. What did we really need to see that wasn't explained to us via sceams, arguments, and shady stories in the warehouse? The more I thought about it though, the more I wanted to see the shit and exactly how it hit the fan. Again, not during the already perfect timeline of the film but maybe a quick flashback at the end or after the credits. Is Mr. Blue really dead? What made Mr. Blonde snap and start shooting everyone? What kind of stash did they get? How did I not want to include this scene? Forgive me.

1(a). Pretty F*ckin' Far From Okay - PULP FICTION (1994)

"I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' n*ggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. ...I'ma get medieval on your ass." Who didn't want to see that happen? Of all the sleazy bastards who ever needed to get tortured in front of a camera, this bitch is at the top of my list. Zed's dead, Baby, but we never got to see it.

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