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02.23.2007by: Jim Law

Top 10 Oscar Questions

I couldn't care less about what everyone is going to be wearing. I don't need to know how long the broadcast is going to be. Who's sitting next to who? Will Jack show up? Is Ellen going to dance? None of this shit matters to me. However, I do have some burning questions of my own this year. There's a good chance after the ceremony is finished, none of these mysteries will be solved and I'll be left in a puddle of my own filth, teary-eyed and flatulent during the after-parties. So be it, I just had to ask.

10. Is The Funky Bunch Pissed?

The guy used to open for New Kids On The Block wearing nothing but underwear and a gold chain. What if he wins and does a reunion tour? Would he wear the statue as bling while bouncing around the stage singing Good Vibrations? The thing is, as much as I love THE DEPARTED and Mark Wahlberg, does he really deserve this nomination? The character was cool, no doubt, but what exactly makes it Oscar worthy? He basically just swears and belittles people every second of screen time he has. He was far better in films such as BOOGIE NIGHTS and I óż HUCKABEES but even those don't seem to be career defining performances that the Academy likes to reward with unofficial lifetime achievement wins.

9. Prada is Costume Design?

When I think of Costume Design nominations I think of period pieces that catch the feel of an era or epic tales of fantasy that require make believe fashion trends. I never thought a film whose "costumes" could be bought off a rack in Manhattan would merit Academy recognition. Anybody can walk down the street wearing these dresses and carrying these bags and not even be looked at twice. Why is that special?

8. Does MONSTER HOUSE Have a Chance?

If you look under the $824 million combined box office of the other two nominees in this category you have to wonder if anyone in the Academy even bothered seeing my favourite animated film of the year. CARS, with it's Pixar superiority, and HAPPY FEET, with it's environmental interpretive dancing, ruled the screens this past year but I feel neither of them delivered as much as MONSTER HOUSE when it came down to old school story telling and cartoon entertainment. It doesn't make it any easier that there's only three nominated films to spread out the votes, which brings us to....

7. Why Only 3 Nominations for Animated Feature?

I actually know the answer to this one. The Oscar committee needs to screen a minimum of 16 films in order for there to be a full slate of nominations for any one category. The 16th film would have been ARTHUR AND THE INVISIBLES but was declared to contain too many live action sequences to be considered animated by said committee. Why is 16 the magic number? That's what the creators of movies like ICE AGE 2 are asking as they watch their animated short, NO TIME FOR NUTS (included as an extra on their DVD) get a nomination while the feature film gets ignored.

6. Fat Suit = Best Makeup Nomination?

It's safe to say that computer generated special effects are taking it's toll on the category of Best Makeup. Still though, how is five minutes in a fat suit and some random old age scenes deemed Oscar potential? How do you ignore Johnny Depp's unique look as Jack Sparrow in PIRATES or the subtle changes that turned Helen Mirren into the Queen in THE QUEEN. I hope this isn't the sign of a future filled with Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence comedies being nominated every year for their hilarious transformations into old fat women.

5. Is That Kelly Leak?

Kelly Leak was legendary when I was growing up and watching THE BAD NEWS BEARS every day. All he did was hit home runs and bang hot chicks in the arcade while he skipped out of school and tore ass on his dirt bike. So imagine my surprise when Kelly, all grown up and creepy, pops up as a convicted pedophile in LITTLE CHILDREN. It's safe to say the Bears won't be retiring his number any time soon. Almost as cool was when I realized the little girl in LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE was the daughter in SIGNS that left half-full glasses of contaminated water all over the house.

4. Why Don't They Just Put Clint Eastwood's Face on the Statue?

Seriously, can this guy do anything without critics getting in line for hand jobs? Everything he touches lately gets nominated and usually wins at least one award. Years ago I said I'd watch Johnny Depp in a movie where he watched paint dry for two hours. Well, if they got Clint to direct, the thing would sweep the Oscars. Is the Academy afraid of him? Did they all grow up in an era when DIRTY HARRY haunted theirs dreams with his Smith and Wesson and tendencies to kill anyone that stepped in his way? If LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA loses this year watch the headlines for any missing Academy members.

3. Was Eddie Really That Great?

From the moment I heard about DREAMGIRLS, praise for Eddie Murphy followed close behind. After finally seeing it, I just don't understand where it's all coming from. In a movie with a paint-by-numbers plot highlighted by ten minute singing arguments, there's nothing Eddie does that I feel would make him the favourite come Oscar night. He's had more memorable performances voicing a donkey and farting at a kitchen table.

2. BORAT's Screenplay is Oscar Material?

I'd like to actually take a look at the screenplay for BORAT. It's probably two pages long and say things like; GOES TO RODEO and WRESTLES NAKED ON BED followed by blank lines of dialogue because they have no idea what anyone is going to say . How do you reward the writing in an extended reality show? I read somewhere that the Committee doesn't actually read the screenplays for this category, they just judge from the structure and dialogue of the final product. How the f*ck does this make sense to anyone? BORAT was a pretty funny movie but this is just a slap in the face to writers who actually took the time to put a pen to paper.

1. Where's Leo's DEPARTED Nomination?

I just don't get it. How can such a powerful performance be overlooked? I don't care if he's already there for BLOOD DIAMOND, this was just as worthy a nomination if not winning the whole damn thing. I'm sure Leo's day will come but if he keeps getting overlooked for performances like this and in TITANIC and CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, I'm afraid he'll end up winning an undeserved award which will send me into another personal rant about the guy that gets overlooked that year. It's a never ending cycle of bitching. The favourite for Best Picture and Marky Mark is the only acting nomination it gets? I wish somebody would of shot me in the head.

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