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03.09.2011by: Jim Law

Top 10 People I want with me when the aliens attack

As BATTLE: LOS ANGELES gets set to erase my winter blues this weekend I started thinking about why I love watching aliens get their asses beat so much. Then I started thinking about how I would do if I fought an alien. Then I started thinking about boobs. Fact is, I would most likely get the shit probed out of me in less then three seconds and cry myself to death if there was ever a real invasion. So, I enlisted the help of some friends to help me deal with such nonsense. I tried to keep the list relative to the subject matter, which means I really wanted to put Batman on the list but it didn't make much sense. But really, who doesn't want Batman on their team? For anything.

Honorable Mention: Russell Casse - INDEPENDENCE DAY

He's crazy enough to take one for the team and nobody is going think twice about throwing him to the wolves when we get in a tight situation. After the hundredth time hearing about how he knew this was going to happen I'd just stuff a grenade in his helmet and throw him at a spaceship. Come to think of it, there's nothing honorable about this mention.

10. Ninjas - ALIEN VS. NINJA

I haven't even seen this movie but why wouldn't I want some ninja on my team? If we were fighting rabid spider monkeys? Ninja. If we we being attacked by a 75-foot ice cream monster? Ninja. There is no situation they wouldn't improve.

9. Nada - THEY LIVE

I'd even let him keep the glasses on. Dude is a tough-nosed worker that could build us a shelter, fight off random homeless people, and drop some serious one-liners throughout the day that would ease the tension of being wiped off the planet. He might have to wear a kilt though.

8. R.J. McReady - THE THING

He's only this low on the list because he might actually be an alien at this point in his career. Also, it might take a few months to thaw his ass out, so by the time he's ready to go it might all be over. You've got to sweat the little details when making such an elite alien fighting machine that is completely fake and powered by my beer fridge.

7. Richard B. Riddick - PITCH BLACK

He's always got the night shift. Hopefully he brings a couple bags full of those nifty weapons he likes to play with too. I wouldn't trust him with shit though and the second we were in the clear I'd turn him in for a handsome reward. Then he would kill me.

6. Johnny Rico - STARSHIP TROOPERS

Rico is just the type meat-head I need around. Give him an order and the fucking guy will kill himself trying to please the team. He seems to be popular with the ladies too so if we happen to come across a group of desperate survivor hotties we might be able to play wingman and get some sloppy seconds.

5. James T. Kirk - STAR TREK

Speaking of getting some strange, Jim will insist he gets all the green bitches. That's cool, let his cock fall off while we deal with the important stuff. Seriously though, Kirk is a pig.

4. Agents K & J - MEN IN BLACK

They bring experience, coolness, and an impressive arsenal to the table. The first time the black one says "Aw, hell no" though I'll have to put my foot down his gullet. And they have to bring enough suits for everybody.

3. Lex Luthor - SUPERMAN

If Superman was a dick, Lex would be the greatest guy ever. Look, he's the only dude on the planet to give the most powerful alien in history a hard time - of course I want him on my team. Money, brains, giant balls, there's nothing this guy wouldn't do to win.

2. Ellen Ripley - ALIEN

Fuck Hicks. Where was he when Ripley decided to go get Newt in the heart of a nest and then went one-on-one with the queen bitch? Taking a nap? As long as I could keep all the other guy's temptations at bay for her giant bush we should be just fine. Kirk might be a problem.

1. Dutch - PREDATOR

Look at this mother fucker, you telling me he's not your first pick when making a survival team? His fist fought a fucking Predator! He survived a nuclear (kind of) explosion! He's still wearing his watch! When the shit hits the fan, there's nobody better to hide behind.

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