Latest Movie News Headlines

01.13.2010by: Jim Law

Top 10 Reasons I've Never Paid for a Hooker

Movies have already taught me not to do heroin and to not pick up hitchhikers so now it's time for a lesson that will help out my wallet, my family life, and the health of my penis. There are plenty of happy hooker stories to go around in Hollywood. I want to focus on the negative aspects of these ladies of the night. Maybe I can spare you some embarrassment, or scare you enough to stay home and download porn, or, in the very least, save you a trip to the Jay Leno show.

10. They Won't Stop Singing - MOULIN ROUGE

Driving up on a woman on the corner will make you nervous enough as it is. What I don't need is for her to reply to my question, "How much for ass-to-mouth?" with a twelve verse contemporary ballad. Just get in the car - I have a radio.

9. They're Gold Diggers - PRETTY WOMAN

If I was suddenly rich I think "pick up a hooker" would be the last thing scratched down on my bucket list. Especially if they have giant enchanting mouths like Julia Roberts that can seduce you into thinking about sloppy never-ending blow jobs that can fit you in up to your hips.

8. I Have a Drinking Problem - LEAVING LAS VEGAS

When your doctor tells you you're going to die if you don't stop drinking the last thing you need is a 40 of scotch flowing towards your mouth from the fleshy funnel of Elizabeth Shue's cleavage. This could be motor oil and I still wouldn't be able to stop her.

7. I'll Get Married and Have to Babysit her Bastard Kid - THE HANGOVER

I wonder how close I've actually come to doing this. There's been mornings in Vegas where I woke up with mysterious tacos on my chest and I worried about the previous night's black-out. What the fuck would I do if there was a ring on my finger and some random child in the closet?

6. They Have Three Boobs - TOTAL RECALL

Boobs are fun and all but this might be a little too much for me. I wouldn't know whether to giggle, fight, or run. Not to mention this shit probably costs extra and it would throw off my superior motorboating skills.

5. They'll Turn Your House Into a Brothel - RISKY BUSINESS

My friends might be down with this option but I'd rather not have a couple buddies double-teaming some whore on my kid's bunk bed. There's nothing that can wash away those memories. All this and they end up stealing all your shit afterward and selling it back to you. It's a vicious circle of sex money.

4. They'll Hunt You Down and Kill You - SIN CITY

I can guarantee the first woman I ever solicited would be a member of this fucked-up hooker mafia. Then I would probably elbow her in the face by accident while peeling off my whitey-tighties and place a price on my head without even getting a hand-job. This is my life.

3. They're 13 - TAXI DRIVER

I'm the worst at guessing a person's age. You ask me, Dakota Fanning is 37. So why the hell would I play with fire here? Unless I'm trying to break a record for the most criminal charges in one night (considering I'd already be drunk, nude and snorting rails off my dashboard) I'm going to stare straight ahead and think about baseball.

2. Penis - THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN

Surprise penis isn't fun for anybody involved. Seriously, try to defend any moment where it's a good thing to randomly whip out your dick when nobody is expecting it. It's horrifying. Now imagine paying good money for a soft, warm inny and you get slapped in the jaw with an rock solid outy.

1. Pimps - TRUE ROMANCE

Has there ever been a good experience with a pimp? Ever? There's something about paying for ass that makes the seller superior to you. What if this process applied to all divisions of retail? You might talk a car salesman down a couple thousand bucks and feel pretty good about yourself and then the Lot Pimp comes over and starts bitch slapping him right in front of you. Surfing for porn would have an entirely different feel. Beware Cyber Pimp.

MORE FUN FROM AROUND THE WEB

Strikeback
Not registered? Sign-up!
Or

Featured Youtube Videos

Views and Counting

Movie Hottie Of The Week

More