Top 10 Reasons You Should Never F*ck an Alien
You'd think a list such as this, filled to the brim with obvious advice and straight-up knowledge, wouldn't need to exist. However, time and time again we see the horny men and women of film drop their pants at the first sign of a UFO. Is there a word for these type of people, other than assholes? Listen, all you intergalactic whores, tuck your genitalia away for a few seconds and read through these horror stories and realize whoever comes first - we all lose.
Call me racist if you want but there's no way my dick will ever go anywhere near a green vag. Different planet aside, you know something isn't going to smell right. Kirk is a slut.
Not only will they impregnate you with 100% pinpoint accuracy, they'll talk shit about in the morning. "I gave you a baby last night." Um.... thanks? Who the hell fucks a doppelganger of their dead husband anyway? With balls of light shooting out of his hands.
This might sound cool but what happens when she whips out your average sized peeper and it doesn't last 90 minutes before burying her in a glorious fountain of semen? I'm done about three seconds after that moment above. "Ahhh, your nipples are hard!"
If he didn't tell you he wasn't human how are supposed to believe him when he says he got checked for VDs last week. Or that you're the only one he's ever been with? Or that he doesn't eat puppies? Damn, yo, aliens are dawgs.
So you finally get the hot alien bitch all naked and wet in the community pool and it's looking good for some public penetration and then she lights up like a lava lamp, shoots you with some sort of orgasmic stream of heaven and it's all over. You don't even get to see her boobs.
Or should I say chestacles? See what I did there? Boobies. Uhhh..... The tentacles are only a third of the problem when banging one of these hot space ladies - their main goal in life is to impregnate men (which would suck because I have great hips) and they're too cold and always fuck it up by freezing us to death.
I will gag 4 times during the next paragraph. Can you imagine the process of filling this thing up? It was just one giant extraterrestrial circle-jerk on the flight down to Earth. There's alien porn blaring in the background as these idiots (who ironically look like giant vagina with teeth) pound away, trying not to look each other in the eye and splash one another whenever they hit an air pocket. Worst party ever.
Seriously, the sex scenes in this movie are so fucking confusing I had to call the rape hotline after viewing it. I was violated in one way or another. If alien planets have douchebags, David Bowie is their poster boy. He didn't "fall" to Earth, he was thrown.
Let's stop thinking about ourselves for a second. Just because you don't want the hunky superhero to blow a load through the top of your skull doesn't mean he has to give up all his powers. Can you not keep legs together long enough for him to save the world, Lois?
Yup, this happened. If this woman had lived through the birthing process, how useless do you think her vagina would have been? Just strolling around all bull-legged with panties made of rope and a bucket.
This is what it all comes down to isn't it? How can we predict the post-coital rituals of an alien? You might spark up a cigarette and look for a snuggle while they're eating their own feet and trying to light your asshole on fire. Alien abstinence: No means no, especially when you scream it while running away.