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06.21.2006by: Jim Law

Top 10 Salma Moments

This site only has a few rules. 1) At some point, man or woman, you have to admit Johnny Depp is hot. 2) Check your pants at the door. 3) Don't ask why JoBlo liked BATTLEFIELD EARTH. 4) Stop making fun of Canadians. And of course, 5) Accept Salma Hayek as your unconditional Goddess within our own little religion we like to call Hottieism. There's never enough Salma and to make this list stop at ten is almost an insult to a career filled with nothing but mouth watering visuals and missed dialogue. Bow your head, kneel, and worship at the feet of the one they call SALMA.

10. THE VELOCITY OF GARY (1998)

You make porno films for a living and your girlfriend is Salma Hayek. It may sound like the perfect life but when Valentino (Vincent D'Onofrio) comes down with AIDS and his former man-lover comes back to help - things get complicated. I think Salma's belly button is listed in the credits and should have won at least a Golden Globe.

9. LIVING IT UP (2000)

Not every woman can pull off dreadlocks and a belly button tattoo that looks like a ninja star. Ms. Hayek handles both with grace. She also handles that matching pink bra and panties set while dangling a lit cigarette and undressing. This chick can do anything better than you.

8. ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003)

She may be playing the same character from DESPERADO, but something happened along the way. She transformed into a bad-ass, knife wielding MILF. Look up, there's her belly button again. I'm going to see if I can type "belly button" in every paragraph for the rest of my life.

7. BANDIDAS (2006)

It's almost like you're getting double the Salma for the price of one. There's not nearly enough skin showing in this film as there should be, but it's nothing a still image of four beautiful boobs being hugged by a couple of hot pink corsets can't help. How do you ruin the phenomenon of getting Salma in leather chaps for half a movie by letting her put pants on underneath? Belly button.

6. WILD WILD WEST (1999)

Speaking of corsets, that shot above could be one of the greatest promotional images of all time. However, I'm pretty sure the footage of that photo shoot would be better than the movie. Still, Salma does what she does best here - look hot and make me put on the subtitles. To tell you the truth, the image below is the only part of this movie I remember.

5. AFTER THE SUNSET (2004)

It was a pleasant surprise to see just how amazing she could still be. The producers try to give her character more to do than just look hot but keep screwing things up by pushing the camera lens down her top while she's talking. I think she's in either a bikini or underwear for 90 percent of her screen time and creepy Brosnan always seems to be lurking in the background.

4. FRIDA (2002)

Once you get past the eyebrow thing you can sit back and marvel at a wonderful world of nudity and lesbians all in the name of art. I'm still convinced the makers of this film got a copy of my diary during production and decided to add that make out scene with Ashley Judd just to screw with me.

3. DOGMA (1999)

More proof Kevin Smith is the smartest fanboy on earth. When you need someone to get on a stage in a schoolgirl outfit and pigtails and then strip it all off while dancing around to New Edition's Candy Girl, you get Salma. It's the gratuitous pole dancing scene used to perfection.

2. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996)

From the moment Salma comes out to do her little song and dance surrounded by fire and giant snakes, this film is never the same. For the most part it's because everyone that works at the Titty Twister turns into a vampire and starts eating patrons, but just prior to that, you sit and stare in awe as she gracefully hypnotizes you with the slightest hip twitch and the ability to lick whiskey off her own shin.

1. DESPERADO (1995)

Note to all young actresses with dreams to make it big; find an action film with lots of explosions and gun play, never hide your belly button, and have sweaty candle-lit sex with Antonio Banderas. That brings you up to date on all things Salma but be sure to keep an eye out for ASK THE DUST where it is reported that Salma goes completely in the buff yet again for a little grinding with Colin Farrell.

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