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12.10.2008by: Jim Law

Top 10 Surgical Procedures

I've had two surgeries my entire life. One for a broken knee, the other for my wisdom teeth. Neither left me with any super human strength or special abilities. I tried suing the doctors but my mom wouldn't stop punching me in the face whenever I brought it up. I guess this kind of shit only happens in movies, them and their high tech future gadgetry. I'd take anything too, an extra pair of knees, platinum teeth, super elastic earlobes, boobs, just get me on the table and cut away. Take a gander below at how badass you can become with the right alterations. Beware though, you might also become extremely evil and start killing people. Everybody wins!

Honourable Mention #1: Groovy - EVIL DEAD II

How do you beat a M4 for a leg? How about a chainsaw for a hand? Another do it yourself surgery finds Ash (Bruce Campbell) amputating his own hand, because it wouldn't stop kicking his ass, and replacing it with a Homelite XL. The thing never runs out of fuel and cuts through shotgun barrels as easy as it does possessed friends and family.

Honourable Mention: Character Actor - TROPIC THUNDER

The dude playing the dude, playing the other dude went through one hell of a cosmetic procedure to become said dude. Remember when Ted Danson did this in real life and was almost strung up by his balls? No? Grow up. I know this is hardly "surgical" but I decided early that it was going to be either Mr. Lazarus here or Mark Watson (C. Thomas Howell) from SOUL MAN to be included on this list. And I'm pretty sure Watson just used shoe polish.

10. Nerve Endings - BATMAN

When you look back at it, Jack Napier got off kind of easy when he fell into that giant vat of Axis Chemicals mystery solution. After a quick trip to the local back-alley medical facility the dude looked no worse than a really happy Mime. This and the fact that he killed Bruce Wayne's parents, developed an uncanny ability to create chemically altered hygiene products of death, and listens to Prince all seemed to rub Batman the wrong way.

9. Brains - THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS

"I couldn't fuck a gorilla." These are the kind of decisions that must be made by Dr. Hfuhruhurr when he falls in love with a brain he's telepathically linked to. He desperately needs a host body but can't bring himself to kill anybody. When things finally fall into place, little Miss Brain forgot to tell him she had an eating disorder in pre-op and balloons her new body out to the size of a waterbed. I'd rethink that gorilla thing.

8. See Through - HOLLOW MAN

Again, this is more of just an injection than actual surgery but Sebastian Caine (Kevin Bacon) went through hell becoming invisible. I've seen people go through less pain in a body cast. It was all worth it in the end though, the guy got more ass being invisible than I have using roofies and rope my entire life. Sure he dies in the end but at least nobody saw him scream like a little bitch.

7. Pieces - FRANKENSTEIN

If you're going to put together a human puzzle and bring it back to life, try not to make him a seven foot tall brick shit-house and constantly piss him off. Dr. Frankenstein ignored this advice and created a monster that everybody hated. The bastard had the brain of sadistic criminal which eventually leads to the death of a little girl and a hunchback, some fiancÚ rough-play, and the attempted murder of his creator. None of this would have happened had they used the body of Twiggy and Ned Flanders, brain. Just sayin'.

6. Re-Agent - RE-ANIMATOR

Dr. Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs) has taken the premise of Dr. Frankenstein and turned into a glowing green syringe of cluster-fuck. Not once does West get his procedure to work which leads to him having to kill everybody he brings back from the dead. Dr. Hill (head, above) gets two shots, one for the head and one for the body, after decapitating him with a shovel. At what point do you put the needle down and call it a career?

5. Trading Faces - FACE OFF

If you could have this procedure done, who would the other face be from? Keep in mind that both body types must be similar, nobody else knows but the surgical team and a couple colleagues, and the chances are pretty high that everything that could go wrong, will. For me it's no contest, Ben Affleck. I'd get to hang out with Jason Bourne and Silent Bob, tap Jennifer Garner, and constantly make movies no matter how shit they are.

4. Stumpy & Groovy - PLANET TERROR & EVIL DEAD II

Imagine if they had to amputate her breasts. What kind of bra would be needed for duel grenade launchers? Cherry (Rose McGowan) makes the best of her new machine-gun leg by killing anything in her path. Still not sure how she fires it though. You'd think it would look weirder but since her tits and entire facial region are already mad of foreign substances, you hardly notice it at all. How do you beat a M4 for a leg? How about a chainsaw for a hand? Another do it yourself surgery finds Ash (Bruce Campbell) amputating his own hand, because it wouldn't stop kicking his ass, and replacing it with a Homelite XL. The thing never runs out of fuel and cuts through shotgun barrels as easy as it does possessed friends and family.

3. Nooooooooo! - REVENGE OF THE SITH

I forgot about Darth the first time I did this article. I scanned by the STAR WARS DVDs on my shelf and briefly thought about Luke but wrote him off because his hand procedure is pretty weak (it's no chainsaw, yo). I didn't even think about Pops until people started ramming it down my throat in the Strike Back section for part one of this list. Anyhoo, Darth definitely needs to be here. After being left a flaming bloody stump, the Dark Side medical team does wonders to make him right again. And badass to boot, although that costume doesn't do shit except keep him alive (unlike our number one).

2. Weapon X - X2: X-MEN UNITED

We never really get to see what exactly happened to Logan, save a few tiny flashbacks (above), but we kind of get the picture. Once he walks into that smelting dungeon and we see the vat of liquid adamantium and the familiar scratches on the wall, it's obvious Wolverine wasn't born with the enforced skeleton and matching claws. Don't know why he's so upset though. A couple hours on this table and he became the coolest super hero in the world. Makes me wonder though, are those badass chops real or plugs?

1. The Shield - ROBOCOP

Omni Consumer Products needed a face and a brain for their latest product, the uber-cop that will end all crime in Detroit. Thankfully a freshly murdered cop, Alex J. Murphy, is delivered in a bow-tied body bag and the rest is glorious history. You have the re-animation aspect of FRANKENSTEIN, the mechanical limbs of Ash and Cherry, the brain relocation of THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS, and the super hero status of Wolverine. It's all the best parts of this list welded together. I'd buy that for a dollar.

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