Last Updated on August 3, 2021
1. Winston Zeddemore – GHOSTBUSTERS
Who the Ghostbusters gonna call when they’re in trouble? A token black guy. It’s such an odd detour in the film, the poor guy has never got the props he deserves. Know this though, without that fourth stream at the end of the movie, New York is just a ghost town. Yeah, I just typed that.
2. Lando Calrissian – RETURN OF THE JEDI
Might be a little too popular to be on the list but I can’t help but wonder why he doesn’t get the respect he deserves for being such a pimp in this movie. He basically does the same shit Luke did in the original film with a bigger, older ship. And he had a cape.
3. Peter – DAWN OF THE DEAD
You know the scene at the end of this film where it looks like Peter is going to off himself and then has a change of heart and starts blasting zombie ass on the way to the chopper? I must have watched that shit a thousand times when I was a kid. It’s just so awkwardly amazing, with it’s cheesy music and strange choreography.
4. Parker – ALIEN
Dude probably had to work twice as hard as everybody else to get aboard the Nostromo and then the crazy crackers invite the universe’s most lethal killing machine to the party. Token black guy doesn’t go around sticking his face in random space eggs. He knows better.
5. Williams – ENTER THE DRAGON
I swear to God, this dude made me want an afro for most of grade school. Then all my hair started falling out and I grew a mustache. I was the complete opposite of Jim Kelly’s awesomeness. In other words, I was a complete loser.
6. Lamar Latrell – REVENGE OF THE NERDS
Not only is he the token black guy, he’s also the token gay guy. How this makes him a nerd I’ve never been clear on. However, if your script calls for the most flamboyant rap song in the history of the universe, he’s nice to have in the fraternity.
7. Al Powell – DIE HARD
I wish I had a good-hearted stranger that could talk me through the tough times via walkie talkie. The fact that he’s constantly roaming outside my home would only be creepy for a little while. It would be worth it the next time I drink myself into the hallucination stage and am convinced my family is trying to kill me.
8. Dick Hallorann – THE SHINING
Dick is the only dude in this film that isn’t bat-shit crazy. The only mistake he made was flying back to the hotel after getting bad vibes. Let me get this straight, the shining can tell you when there’s random shenanigans going on anywhere in the world but leaves out the part about the axe being buried in your face? That’s a shitty gift.
9. Luis Fernandez – VICTORY
Put it this way – if Luis (Pele) didn’t play in this game the movie would have been done at half time, everybody would have died, and Nazis would rule the world. Inspired by this film, every time my wife puts The World Cup on our TV I start to tunnel out of the basement with a spoon. Seriously, stop it.
10. Jay – THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
All my racist friends love to act out the funny scenes delivered by whitey in this film. I’m here to say Romany Malco delivers the most consistently funny performance in the movie. And there’s no way he would hang out with these dudes in real life.
Honorable Mention: Stacks Edwards – GOODFELLAS
Nobody has been the token black guy more than Samuel L. Jackson. It’s not even close. He had no chance here, getting involved with all these crazy power hungry Italians. The fact that he forgot where he parked the getaway truck because he got high and tapped some strange and then the cops found it with his prints all over the steering wheel is besides the point. He did his job. Italians are crazy. End of argument.
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