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09.20.2006by: Jim Law

Top 10 Ugliest Characters

Let's just get this out if the way early, that picture above is of a real dog. His name is Sam and before he passed away last year he was voted the World's Ugliest Dog for three consecutive years. Rest in peace you little spawn of Satan. Now, this list is wide open for controversy, partly because everyone's opinion on what's ugly is different and partly because a couple of these picks are based on real dudes. I'm just judging the characters here people, the men and women in the make-up. They were made to look this way for an effect and it's my job to make fun of them. Let the pageant commence.

10. Roark Jr. - SIN CITY (2005)

You may know him better as That Yellow Bastard. Either way, this guy has some serious issues when it comes to personal hygiene. Many an operation to keep him from dying left his body unable to process human waste which leads to the pretty glow about him and the constant smell of rotting meat mixed with a hint of poop. Junior (Nick Stahl) also enjoys raping and murdering young girls and having his genitals removed by Detective John Hartigan (Bruce Willis).

9. Betelgeuse - BEETLE JUICE (1988)

You try and look this good after being dead for as long as The Juice (Michael Keaton) has. Keaton does a good job keeping his facial expressions constantly f*cked up during filming since his make-up only consisted of some face paint, a wig, and the odd patch of green fuzz. Although he's only in the film for less than twenty minutes total, Betelgeuse tends to leave a lasting impression years after watching it. God, I love this movie.

8. Hatchet-Face - CRY BABY (1990)

I don't think I've even seen this movie, but this chick has shown up in more than one of my nightmares throughout the years. Tough albino women in leather tend to scare me. Kim McGuire, the actress that portrayed this evil, doesn't really look like this does she? The last thing I need is having her read this and showing up at my front door to burn a hole through my soul with those lifeless eyes and then devouring me in front of my wife.

7. David Lo Pan - BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986)

Who wouldn't want to marry this guy? Stuck in this decrepit physical form due to a curse set centuries ago, Dave (James Hong) just needs to get hitched with a woman with green eyes to regain his original hotness and continue killing people. If I stop shaving what little hair I have left and let my goatee grow out - this is me in 3 years.

6. Jason Voorhees - FRIDAY THE 13th (1987)

How does this kid even get near the water without supervision? Easily, if you're too busy having the sex. And there you have the entire back story of the never ending FRIDAY THE 13th franchise. Jason has only gotten uglier throughout the years as he continues to search for horny teenagers and punish them for not hooking him up with a pair of f*cking water wings.

5. Rocky Dennis - MASK (1985)

Here's where I tread lightly. The real Roy L. "Rocky" Dennis was afflicted with craniodiaphyseal dysplasia, an extremely rare bone disorder. He died at the age of 16 in 1980. Eric Stoltz piles on the make-up in order to play Rocky on screen and ..... well, let's just say it ain't pretty. His mother, Rusty (Cher), fights to get his giant head into a normal junior high school and both end up with Golden Globe nominations for their efforts.

4. Melvin Ferd - THE TOXIC AVENGER (1985)

This what happens to you when you jump into a drum of toxic waste wearing wearing a pink tutu shortly after getting caught making out with a sheep. So, you know, don't do that. Melvin (Mark Torgl) wastes no time in making his new appearance into a positive by becoming Toxie (Mitch Cohen), the crime fighting, radioactive, mop wielding super hero.

3. Belial Bradley - BASKET CASE (1982)

I love this little dude. Belial is the Siamese twin of Duane (Kevin Van Hentenryck). The doctors that separated the two severely f*cked things up and left him as a fleshy pile of cartilage and razor sharp teeth. Linked telepathically with his brother, B tends to get jealous when Duane starts getting some action via the local hottie so he hops around town and destroys anyone that gets in his way. Yes, I own this movie.

2. John Merrick - THE ELEPHANT MAN (1980)

Dr. Treves (Anthony Hopkins) finds John (John Hurt) at a freak show and decides to have him over for tea. There's more to the story but I couldn't stop looking at that forehead so I missed a bunch. Merrick suffered from Proteus syndrome but, for some strange reason, people always link him to elephantiasis. Weird.

1. Lotney Fratelli - THE GOONIES (1985)

The ugliest of the bunch is also the most loved. Sloth (John Matuszak) goes form scaring the shit out of audiences in that back room to saving the day in the end, all while looking like he was on the short end of a fight with an avalanche. The twitching ear, the laziest eye known to man, the strategically placed teeth, it all makes it easier to proclaim "JoBlo.com love Sloth" and you should too

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